If you suffer from moderate to severe plaque tentaculitis, there’s hope…

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This quality product advertisement was written by Kitt Keller, and features the voices of Matt Braman as the Spokesbeing, Kitt Keller as the Narrator, and Conrad Miszuk as the side effects.

MFX 1: Generic calming music

SPOKESBEING: I’ve struggled for years with moderate to severe plaque tentaculitis. The constant feeling like everyone was looking at me, talking about me, physically recoiling from my face whenever I entered a room. It’s time for change. It’s time to break through.

MFX 2: There is a hopeful crescendo in the music

SPOKESBEING: That’s why I talked to my space doctor about Quadrotritikailene (QUAT-row-trih-tih-KAY-leen). Quadrotritikailene is a new daily medication designed to fight tentaculitis where it starts, in the subprimal nervous system. Now I’m free to go where I please—without worrying about terrifying small children.

NARRATOR: Quadrotritikailene is an extrapulide pulmonitype that acts on the subprimal neurons by phlangilytizing the mitochondrial corpuscles, healing tentaculitis before it erupts. Patients taking Quadrotritikailene found that symptoms were reduced, or even eliminated, within 6 galactic months.

SIDE EFFECTS VOICE: Some patients taking Quadrotritikailene experienced nausea, dizziness, vertigo, loose poll, sudden bruising, new or worsening space madness, or musical theater. Talk to your doctor if you experience any of these signs. Do not drive or operate wormholes while taking Quadrotritikailene.

SPOKESBEING: It’s time to take back your freedom. Talk to your space doctor. I did!

MFX 3: end music.

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Become a subscription donor and get wonderful benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.

Space Meds was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Matt Braman, Kitt Keller, and Conrad Miszuk with Briauna Kittle reading the stage directions.

The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, with credits read by Conrad Miszuk.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Future and current streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Paul C who reversed the polarity in just the nick of time, Josh Green who amplified the signal, and Sass Master J who ran a level 3.69 diagnostic! (More like Diag-nice-tic!)