Vol. 8, Part 1 of the live holostream of the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, featuring ads from around the Spacedale Fashion OctoSphere food court. (Part of our live stream on Twitch from 8/28/2020.  Follow at neverrad.com/twitch) 

SCENE 1: HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART ONE

MFX 1:    A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.

SFX 1:    APPLAUSE.

TANGELO:    Good evening, everyone and welcome to the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, brought to you by Gerwick’s Tight Pants and Tall Collars.  If it’s tall or tight, it’s Gotta be Gerwick’s.  I am your host, Barrister Tangelo.  You might know me as the extra from several unreleased independent films, my numerous stand-up appearances in jail, or trying to sell you drugs in the bathroom. It is such an honor to be here.  When I was invited to host the Hotties this year, I wrote a monologue chock full of spicy jokes to roast tonight’s guests.  Now that I’m up here watching you all twirl your butterfly knives, I can’t quite remember the punchlines, so without further ado, I will announce tonight’s first award category, “Best Brooding.”  One of the first categories since the inaugural Hot Boy Villain Awards, Brooding is a classic characteristic of Hot Boy Villainy.  Uplifting thoughts like hope and optimism are for dopey hero-types, not Hot Boy Villains.  Let’s find out which of our sexy antagonists will take home the first Hottie of the night.  Right after these messages.  Stay Tuned for the 273d Hot Boy Villain Awards!

MFX 2:    A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.

SCENE 2: AD BREAK ONE

SCENE 2A: Food Court/Alfonse #1

CAST: 

ALFONSE (CONRAD)

STAGE DIRECTIONS (???)

MFX 1:    A VIOLIN SOLO.

SFX 1:    DEEP FRYER.

SFX 2:    POURING CHAMPAGNE.

ALFONSE:    The fresh aroma of a fine Cornéd Dog sizzling as the lunching hour approaches. There is nothing finer, nor more exciting to the senses. Hello, I am Alfonse and this is Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dogs, your number one choice for fine mall dining at the Spacedale Fashion Octasphere, and number one on Mall Marty’s lists of Foods So Good I Wish They Would Kill Me. 

    A lot of people think that dining in a mall environment can only be crass and cheap and of low breeding. But this is simply not true. At Alfonse’s Gourmet Corned Dog, you can have a gastronomical experience worthy of even the finest palates.

SFX 3:    A bird screaming.

SFX 4:    Deep Fryer.

    Our newest addition, the deep fried Ortolan, stuffed with grain and drowned in the smoothest Corned Whiskey, covered in a delicious breading to hide the act of eating it from Space God. On a stick.

    Always popular is the Undyne Scallop cornéd dog. We take fresh Undyne Scallops, lightly season and fry in a butter sauce. Then we place them on a stick, cover them in corned bread, and dip them in our special blend of frying oils. 

    And then there’s always the classic: the Alfonse. It’s a blend of lamb and veal humanely sourced from the bodies of living not-humans and formed into a sausage, covered in cornéd bread, and deep fried to golden, succulent perfection.

    And for our more adventurous palates, ask us about our seasonal specials.

    Denny from Delaworb writes “Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dog is literally to die for. I sold most of my digestive tract just to be able to taste the succulent morsels.” High praise.

    Gray from Grenebula writes, “Snobby, pretentious, a rude staff, and the most expensive food in the food court.” Mmmm, yes. Thank you for such an excellent review.

    Aberdeen from Ebberdeen-3 writes, “I ate here every day for a year, my health declined, I have gout, and now I have no money.” Well, then, begone peasant.

    Yarnell from Y-Polyhedron writes “Cover me in batter and deep fry me, cornéd daddy. My loins are tender, and my flesh is willing.” Oh, behave, Yarnell. Calm yourself with some of our… seasonal menu.

    You have a lot of choices for where to eat in the Spacedale Fashion Octasphere, but you only have so many moments left of life. Spend your moments in luxury. Draft soft Champagne included with every order. We cater birthday parties, weddings, and your business (or pleasure) meetings.

SCENE 2B: Food Court/Spacedonalds #1

SPACEDONALD:    Howdy, y’all! I’m SpaceDonald, proud owner of SpaceDonald’s and I believe food should be tasty AND simple. What’s better after a long day of engineering and computerizing than sitting now with a nice warm burger and some Franch fries? Absolutely nothing, and I should know, I make the ding-dang things with my own two hands, like a real Octaspherian. All our ingredients at SpaceDonald’s are collected by yours truly, no questions asked, and cooked to perfection with herbs and spices and shit to fill your belly and remember what it’s like to just relax like in the good ol’ days. 

    Bring your family, bring your friends, hell, bring Ol’ Sandy who hangs around Lukewarm Theme trying to remember what it’s like to be young again. We’ve all been there, and the only solution is SpaceDonald’s. We got your HugeDons, your Quadraunits, nuggets of avian nature, a single salad, and all the tasty beverages you can imagine I make in this handy dandy bathtub for beverage purposes. I don’t even use it to get clean! That’s a SpaceDonald promise. Ain’t no one want sweaty space man flavor in their drink, but uh, if you hypothetically did for some reason, you definitely shouldn’t come here and say the codeword MARINADE. 

    Ain’t nothing unsavory going on here at SpaceDonald’s, we ain’t that kinda business. We make money the wholesome way like SpaceGod intended: with good hard labor and the goodness space has to offer. And, if you come to SpaceDonald’s today, I’ll throw in a large Spicewater with your order absolutely free of charge. I done made too much in my last batch, but lemme tell you, a little cinnamon and reclaimed beverage goes a long way when you’re feelin’ a hard day at work. It’s takin’ up too much space in my bathtub and is gettin’ past time on its fermentation date, and I got some new stuff to make beverages out of so you’ll really wanna get your fill of Spicewater while it lasts. I don’t wanna acknowledge rumors or anything, but uh, Spicewater may or may not let you see into your previous lives or lives yet to come, but that’ll be our little secret.

SFX:    A WINK SOUND.

SPACEDONALD:    So come on down to SpaceDonald’s today, get yourself a burger, and enjoy everything life’s gotta offer. That’s SpaceDonald’s right smackdab in the middle of the Spacedale Fashion Octasphere. It’s that building with the big ol’ neon sign of a possum, you can’t miss it. SpaceDonald’s: Why the hell not?

SCENE 2C: SPACE DRUG PSA #1

THE SYSTEM:    (Vocoder) And now a special announcement from the Galactic Authority.

YEETON:    Okay, listen up, Queth Galaxy. This is Galactic Mayor Bibbidus Yeeton. Okay. I’ve got some important announcements to make today, okay. This announcement is particularly for Vippergoths under the age of 16 cycles, Weshwimples under the age of 7 Quagnot Years, Limblelings prior to the age of ascension, Neemweemles who have not yet held the maturity stone and begun molting, Vargustarglings with less than six spawn, humans under the age of forty, and any other beings out there otherwise indicated to be under the age of majority or are otherwise young and still developing. Okay. 

    We’ve got news of some new stuff out there that’s hitting the streets and getting into the hands of you various developing entities and it’s causing problems. Developmental problems. Brain-and-thinky-parts growing too small. Permanent wobbling and confusion. Lack of ambition and increased appetite. Underdeveloped reproductive organs incapable of bringing new life to fill important jobs in the future. Being a light shade of blue always. Okay. This isn’t a laughing matter. This stuff is deadly serious. Oh, I forgot to mention death. Some of this stuff is causing death. And if you die, then you definitely can’t reproduce properly to bring future generations to fill all the jobs. Alright. So I’ve got a list here of some things that are out there now, these gangs on the streets, these cartels in the interstellar medium. They’re getting it out there and you gotta be careful. The first one. Okay. We’ve got The Yote. Also known as the Pup, Doggerino, Yip-Yip, and [A Scooby Doo Sound]. Reports indicate that it has hallucinogenic effects, making you believe that you and everything around you is a puppy, or whatever the analog of puppies is in your system. The whole damn world around you is puppies. We’ve got reports of folks just rolling around and panting, begging for treats from what they believe to be other dogs. 

    This one’s real bad, okay. Imagine you’re operating a crane, but the crane is now puppies. And the load on the end of the crane is also puppies. Yup. You’re gonna have some accidents. You’re gonna have a real big problem, okay? You definitely don’t want to think that a thousand pounds of thorium is a bunch of puppies you should cuddle with, okay. And it’s killing productivity. I believe I already mentioned the job situation. After the galactic culling a few weers ago, our numbers are low, and we’ve got too many jobs. Too much work to do. Got a lot to do. Just say nope to the Yote, okay. Bad stuff. We’ve got real puppies that need to be cared for.

SCENE 2D: Food Court/Fishtopher #1

MFX: 1    I don’t know, some fuckin’ music. It’s a commercial.

SPOKESBEING:    Wake up craaaaaaving a hot slice of food product?

SFX 1:    Sizzle!

SFX 2:    Flames!

SPOKESBEING:    Yeah, that’s what we’re talking about…

SFX 3:    Toaster popping

SFX 4:    Suddenly cut-off monkey noises

SFX 5:     Plate clanking

SPOKESBEING:    Hot, smoking nutrients, beamed from Fishtopher’s House of Pi directly into your digestive sac. Mmmmmmmm! We’ve got organic food! Silicon-based mineral compounds! Energy vapor! Even philosophical quandaries, for those species who primarily consume  idea-based nourishment!

FISHTOPHER:     I’m Fishtopher [silly noise], owner and CEO of Fishtopher’s House of Pi. Here at Fishtopher’s, we’re committed to providing flavorful consumable energy for beings from humanoids to whatever. Our menu of edible or otherwise ingestible nutrients is second to none. And our prices are too. CoOme check out our newest location in the Beta Food Annex of Spacedale Fashion Octosphere, on the corner of Spacedale Rd. and Acoma, one mile south of Bell Spaceway, open weekdays til 8, Saturdays and Sundays til 5. Now YOU have a friend in the Food Court. Fishtopher’s House of Pi.

SCENE 2E: Food Court /Burnt Pizza #1

STUPERFULUX:    Hello, probable customer. My name is Stu-PER’few-lux GRAN’tis-more and I want to get something straight right off the bat.  Burnt Pizza Taco’s is the best Asian-Infused Tex Mex Taqueria in the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere. We do not sell pizza.  Our tacos do not contain pizza or burnt pizza.  The Taco shells are not pizza or even burnt pizza.  Please stop asking and just eat here.  You probably definitely love it.  Just don’t expect Pizza.  We have Chipotle Yellowtail Stir Fry Tacos with Bamboo Straw Mushroom Cayenne Demi-Glaze.  We have Nopales Empanadas with Curry Ponzu Dipping wipes.  We even have Plain Taco shells. Just don’t, please, please don’t try to order pizza  It’s just a name. 

    Our founder, Burnt Pizza, spent his short life lovingly crafting these recipes and developing a customer service algorithm representing his unique and unassailable personality and he just wanted to bring that to you, embodied in Burnt Pizza Tacos, the Best Asian-Mex, Tex-Infused, Taki-terraria in the Purple tier of the 5th North Western Quadrant of the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere.  Is that so much to ask?  To honor his appetizing state-of-the-cuisine-arts wishes?  Would you go into a Pappa Joe’s Pizza and order a racist billionare?  I don’t think so.  I think you would come to Burnt Pizza Tacos and order a Pineapple and Tripe Triple Bok Choy Torta with Hot Edamame Water and you would be so satisfied.  Because you’re not an idiot, you’re hungry.  Just like our founder, Burnt Pizza.  He literally starved himself to death inventing these recipes and honing them to perfection so that you personally could taste his love with every bite of your Nappa Cabbage and Roast Puffin Street Taco Cups, and with every sip of our new Cilantro Hominy Soy Sweetened Black Tea Horchata.  

    So what is it going to be, friendo?  Are you going to spit in his grave and buy something else, and leave me to cry in the walk-in freezer until my eyelashes break off?  Are you going to walk up to my counter and order pizza like a wild asshole, possibly triggering a violent rage that has been growing inside me since the death of my beloved- the beloved founder of this beautiful, sacred place?  I don’t know what I’m capable of and I don’t want to find out.  And you sure as shit don’t want to find out.  You want to stop by Burnt Pizza Tacos, the best Taco-Infused Asian Mex Tex in whatever part of the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere you’re in.  I will always love you, Burnt Pizza.  I hope the angels enjoy your tacos in heaven.