Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line.

Intermission facts written by Conrad Miszuk. Music and sound by Matt Braman. Read by Jamie Haas.

SCENE 1: 
THE INTERMISSION

VOICE: Hello, you have reached the Never Rad Miscellany claims center. We are so sorry to hear about your loss. For loss of an object of value or a Garlorthian, say object. For loss of other sentient life, say life.

A pause.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss of life not from Garlorth. We at the Never Rad Miscellany take these losses to heart, though, for legal reasons, we cannot take responsibility for the loss of life itself. Please, in a single word, describe the nature of the loss of life. For example, if your loved one was killed in a struggle against the Light Jangus involving laser fire, say laser. If your loved one was killed in a terrible microwave disaster, say popcorn.

A pause.

You have selected “a big whoopsie” as the cause of the loss. Is that correct?

A pause.

I’m sorry to hear that. That sounds absolutely terrible. Please accept my sincerest condolences. We at the Never Rad Miscellany want to make this right. This may not always mean a complete restoration of loss, but sometimes we can provide a believable simulation.

Please hold while we wait for an associate to help you. Your estimated wait time is fifteen minutes. Buy another drink. Smoke what you smoke. Move your body. Stare vacantly at the floor in front of you. Do you.

MFX 1: Hold Music.

VOICE: Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany tastes like metal. Heavy metal.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany is like an extra hand and an extra eyeball. In the hand.

Were you aware? Or Aware you were? Where?

Were you aware? Listening to The Never Rad Miscellany can make up for certain vitamin deficiencies. Primarily Vitamin W. The W stands for whoop whoop.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany used to be a bunch of soundcloud rap.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany makes a great tattoo. Even on the face. All over the face. It’s a new face. Congratulations on your new face. You are beautiful.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany nourishes the soul. Pour it directly on your collection.

Were you aware? Awareness can sometimes be a bad thing. If you’re already going to slip through a science death hole, what does knowing about it in advance help with?

Were you aware? It is cheaper to buy 11 fire-breathing space-war elephants than 9. There are many interesting historical reasons for this that we will now skip over.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany are not licensed doctors, but are obligated to take a look at it anyway.

Were you aware? The Zext Autonomous Worker’s Collective may tempt you with a lack of social class and all the free sex you can enjoy, but none of this is worth the loss of history.

Were you aware? The Light Jangus wish to bathe the Universe in never ending light, which is impossible.

Were you aware? Orgelthrek is still devouring. Always devouring. That’s just what he do.

Were you aware? The Ooze of Deep Roth is icky and should be avoided at all costs. Being a part of a cozy hive mind is not worth it.

Were you aware? We at the Never Rad Miscellany use the highest quality recording media only to capture the greatest moments in time. We use lower quality recording media for those other times.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany believes that you deserve love. But not the kind the Zext Autonomous Workers Collective offers.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany once gave you a bagel. You didn’t know it was us, though.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany maintains that Cherry Garcia ice cream is the most controversial.

Were you aware? The Never Rad Miscellany makes use of every region of your brain. Even the part that just stores cat memes.

SFX 1: Click.

VOICE: I’m sorry. Your call has been disconnected. It would seem that we don’t care as much about your loss as previously thought. To air your grievances, say grievances. Otherwise, you may hang up now and return to mourning your loss.

A pause.

Please begin your grievances now.

A pause.

Just a few more.

A pause.

There we are. Thank you. I bet that felt good to get off your chest. Your recording will be discarded in five seconds. Thank you. To hear more stories, say “whoop whoop!”

A pause.

Excellent. Transferring you now.

CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Intermission interstitial was written by Conrad Miszuk and was performed by Jamie Haas and edited by Conrad Miszuk, with music and sound by Matt Braman. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon.