Vigilant citizens! Thank you for enjoying this new instructional film about the vital importance of victory gardens from the War Education Authority and Coronello Pictures.

Growing Your Victory Garden was written by Kitt Keller and featured the voices of Conrad Miszuk as the Voice of the Government, William Crook as the Announcer, and Jenae Hirsch as Polly.

MFX 1 Fanfare

SFX .5: film reel starting

ANNOUNCER And now, an official presentation from the Federal Agricultural Aggression Board: “Growing Your Victory Garden” a citizen’s guide produced in cooperation with the War Education Authority and Coronello Instructional Pictures.

MFX 2 1950s “instructional video” music underscoring all of the below.

NARRATOR: Loyal citizens! Are you concerned that you aren’t doing enough to support your country in this time of need? Across the nation, grateful citizens just like you are putting their best feet forward to contribute their time and talents. Opportunities to do your part for your country are all around, all the time. Growing a victory garden is one of the most important ways that citizens like you can help meet the demand and support our efforts both overseas and at home.

Meet Polly. Polly is a loyal citizen, just like you, looking to support her country.

POLLY: I sure wish there were something I could do. But what?

NARRATOR: Not to worry, Polly. There are plenty of opportunities for a loyal citizen like you. Polly, have you heard of victory gardens?

POLLY: Sure! Some of my neighbors have been growing victory gardens. Mrs. Washington down the street has a patch of tomatoes, and Mrs. Lincoln is growing cabbages. But could I grow a victory garden too?

NARRATOR: Of course, Polly. Citizens, Polly is about to join the growing army of victory gardeners and add her hard work and dedication to that of thousands of others across the nation.

Now, Polly, with a pleasure garden, a citizen can lay out their plants however they wish, but with a victory garden, a proper plan will ensure success.

First, you should clear a patch of ground for your victory garden. Make sure you have completely removed any grass from your garden plot so that your victory garden will not be overrun. Using your government-issued flamethrower will make short work of any plants or structures in the way!

SFX 1: Fire

POLLY: What’s next?

NARRATOR: Now Polly is going to prepare the ground. To ensure healthy and vigorous crops, the soil of your victory garden needs to be fully enriched with micronutrients and high-grade uranium ore.

POLLY: Now that I’ve planted my victory garden, I need to understand how to maintain it.

NARRATOR: [theatrical chuckle] Oh, Polly. There’s no need to worry about special equipment or protective gear. The finest tools a gardener can possibly use are their own hands!

POLLY: Gee! That’s good to hear.

NARRATOR: Polly tends to her growing victory garden with all the usual implements: a shovel…

SFX 2: Crunching dirt

NARRATOR: A hose for watering…

SFX 3: Water

NARRATOR: A 10,000 volt correction prod…

SFX 4: Electricity

NARRATOR: And of course, protective garments.

SFX 5: Zipper

NARRATOR: Now, let’s watch as Polly tends to her victory garden. What do you have planted, Polly?

POLLY: Well, as a responsible citizen, I followed the FAAB’s recommended planting schematics. I started on the north side of the garden as you can see here with one row of snap peas.

NARRATOR: Mm-mm. Sounds delicious. But what else have you planted?

POLLY: Next to that, I have 3 rows of hemlock, one row of poison sumac, a row of stinging nettles, a row of deadly nightshade, and some cabbages.

NARRATOR: That’s great Polly! Remember, Citizens, when the FAAB comes to collect your harvests, you want to be certain you’re providing them with the most toxic leaves, berries, cabbages, and tubers possible for use in various advanced chemical and biological weapons. Government-approved seeds and rhizomes are available from your local municipal authority.

Anything else growing, Polly? It sure looks like you have some impressive plants growing there next to the cabbage.

POLLY: Why, yes. As you can see, the remainder of the garden is taken up by these Dionaea anthropophagus colossicus. Well, that’s the name in Latin. You and I might call them the giantic man-eating Venus flytrap.

NARRATOR: They sure don’t look very gigantic, Polly.

POLLY: I’ve just finished planting them, but they should be fully grown soon.

NARRATOR: Oh, Polly… watch what happens when you water your flytraps for the very first time.

SFX 6: water

SFX 7: whoosh

POLLY: Whoa! Look at ‘em grow!

NARRATOR: Did you know that the gigantic man-eating Venus flytrap was specially developed by FAAB genetic engineers? Our engineers packed plenty of science into each and every specimen.

POLLY: Well golly! That sure is exciting.

NARRATOR: Thanks to the increased uranium content, the plants can grow as much as 13 feet in a single day. And that’s not all! A fully grown FAAB flytrap plant is capable of ambulation.

POLLY: Ambulation? What’s that?

NARRATOR: [chuckle] That means it can walk wherever it’s needed.

POLLY: Gee!

NARRATOR: FAAB scientists have also engineered our plants to be larger and more violent than any common garden flytrap, pitcher plant, or sundew. Your victory garden will provide pivotal battle plants and crucial poisons to the front lines. Hey, Polly?

POLLY: Yes?

NARRATOR: Why don’t you take a look at your flytraps now?

POLLY: Wow! They’re magnificent!

NARRATOR: They certainly do grow quickly, don’t they?

POLLY: Well, I’ve heard that a fully grown plant can be as tall as 35 feet and consume up to 5 enemy soldiers in a single day.

NARRATOR: And do you know what happens then?

POLLY: According to this helpful and informative pamphlet from the FAAB, once the trap has snapped shut around the enemy, the plant exudes a chemical that slowly digests their skin, organs, and skeleton, leaving behind any clothing and jewelry—which can be cleaned and resold at a healthy profit.

NARRATOR: That’s amazing!

POLLY: It sure is! And once my flytraps are harvested and sent to the front lines, I’ll be secure in the knowledge that I did my part to bring swift, violent death to outsiders or disloyal radicals in my own neighborhood.

I’m proud that my beautiful Victory Garden means that I’m making a valuable contribution for my country. Just look at how beautiful it is!

SFX 8: Wind

SFX 9: Wood creaking

SFX 10: Snap

SFX 11: Squish

NARRATOR: [theatrical chuckle] Well, thank you Polly. That Victory Garden certainly is a credit to your hard work, personal sacrifice, and patriotic spirit. And thank you, citizens. Don’t forget that you too can grow a garden of genocidal battle plants of your very own! The more battle plants YOU grow, the more of our boys can be redeployed to other fronts.

Remember that the plants, seeds, and radiation suits you need to plant your very own Victory Garden are available from your local municipal authority. Participation is…encouraged.

Thanks again, citizens, for your loyalty and vigilance. The FAAB appreciates your diligent work while performing your patriotic duty. Always remember to support the war effort. Which war? Any war.

MFX 3 End underscoring

MFX 4 Ending fan fare

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Become a subscription donor and get wonderful benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.

Victory Garden was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voices of William Crook as the Narrator, Jenae Hirsch as Polly, and Conrad Miszuk as the Voice of the Government, with Kitt Keller reading the stage directions.

The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, with credits read by Conrad Miszuk.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Future and current streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Paul C who reversed the polarity in just the nick of time, Josh Green who amplified the signal, and Sass Master J who ran a level 3.69 diagnostic! (More like Diag-nice-tic!)

Miscellaneous fact #243 – Everything is purple. You might think there are all kinds of other colors, but there aren’t. Only purple. We are all royalty now.