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SCENE 1: SPACE LORD CESAR SALAMANDER’S DATING PROFILE

SFX 1: ACTIVATE HOLOGRAM

SFX 2: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: Oh, hello. I did not see you there. My name is Space Lord Cesar Salamander and if you are watching this holo-recording, which I assume you are, (HICCUP) congratulations. You have selected my dating profile. You’re welcome. You may be asking yourself, “why in Globb’s name would this comely caballero be using an on-beam dating service? He looks like the sort of rakish gad-about who must fend off admirers left right and center.” And that is positively it, you see. Between my fame, fortune, and fantastic physique, it is damn near impossible to get about without drowning in a deluge of hurled undergarments. A weaker man might cloister himself away in this lush Space Mega-Yacht, reducing himself to a withered nestcock. I, however, am a Gentleman of Space.

SFX: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: Of the many refined and admirable traits of a true Space Gentleman, perhaps the most defining is his romanticism. (HICCUP) Life is far too short to bowl through without companionship. Love is the fragile, bio-luminescent orchid so rare and so precious it must never be overlooked. In the immortal words of Plergo Saint 3, Royal Poet of Alsquander, “When you catch her mirin’, and the booty thicc, lock that down, dawg. That’s the real shit.”

SFX: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: There are those cynics among us who would say love is but a chemical reaction. The release of neurotransmitters triggered by morphological indicators of reproductive fitness. To them I say, well, kind of. It is that, no doubt. I do not deny the science. But is not all consciousness merely the emergent phenomena of those reactions manifesting in a subjective experience too sublime for a holo-text to convey? When two beings gaze into each others’ eyes- when three beings gaze into BOTH of each others’ eyes, when any number of mutually attracted beings gaze into whatever number of eyes they collectively posses, something magical happens. Something primal, something, something- (HICCUP) it’s really something.

SFX: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: So here I am, gazing into the abyss of a holo-lens, wondering who gazes back. I assume a hot lady. Or ladies. Or really most physically compatible beings, I am pretty flexible, as long as you are hot. (HICCUP) I do not mean to sound shallow. Your interests, hobbies, hopes and dreams are all important to me and I hope you tell my valet all about them. It is just that I want to take you to all the hottest clubs and, like, 9 out of 10 have a “no uggos” policy. I do not make the rules. So. In summary, I am hot, you are hot, our naughty bits fit together, love is a glowy flower, let’s dock this shuttle, if you know what I mean. (TO Q.C.) Q.C., will they know what I mean? About the docking? Is that too subtle a metaphor? (TO RECORDING) You know I mean. Salamander out.

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