ROMANCE FOR ONE

SFX 1: Maybe some violin.
SPOKES: Are you alone this romantic season? Have you utterly and completely failed to convince another that you are worthy of their affection? Have you encountered affection, but just felt so unworthy of it that you pushed it away? Are you perfectly comfortable alone and actually prefer it that way? Regardless of the cause, perhaps you still want to do something fancy for yourself that makes you feel special and loved. Romance for One has a variety of date packages available that will suit your needs perfectly.
SFX 2: Whoosh.

At Romance for One, we specialize in creating date itineraries that allow our clients to take themselves out, show themselves a good time, and most of all, show themselves that they love themselves. Choose from our numerous wonderful pre-dinner options. A lovely float on a pond in a boat designed for only one person. A lovely ride down a beautiful road on a not tandem bike. A two-legged race. A lovely stroll on the beach with only one set of footprints left behind you because you were alone the whole time without even a single space god. A spa treatment and a robotic massage. We work with hundreds of restaurants throughout the sector to provide our clients with comfortable dining experiences despite being completely alone. Your reservation could be for a seat at the bar, dividers optional. It could also be at the small table in the corner facing the wall. We also have private dining rooms available so nosy onlookers won’t question your choices or wishes. Either way we have a zero eye contact policy. Whether you’re looking for Italuloid, French, or any other cuisine, we have something that will suit your needs and your sensibilities. Following the lovely solo dinner, there are a number of options to give our clients the best entertainment even while completely alone. We have a number of films, mostly in the scifi horror genre, that don’t need extra characters or romantic relationships, for our clients to view in private theaters. For clients that do feel sexual attraction, many of these films do feature Sandra Bullock or Sigourney Weaver or someone similar to maintain their interest. If you’re not up for a movie, how about a lovely stroll through a botanical garden? We stagger the entrance so no one is ever within thirty feet of another patron, ensuring solitude. We also have fireworks shows that can be viewed from a private booth, and bungee jumping for one. Following your post-dinner activities, we have a variety of hotels and resorts perfectly suited for the single party. Enjoy an emperor-sized bed all to yourself. A bathtub for one with pleasant oils and fragrances. Every suite is isolated from the noise of the outside world and other visitors. Should you feel the need to consummate your stay, a variety of stimulating materials and devices can be provided, and they will take care of you in a way that a partner never could. At Romance for One, we know that being alone can be a ONE-derful thing. Packages allow you to bring or borrow no more than three cats.

FORNICRATE 1

TED: What up, dudes! It’s me, Ted here, from Hot Wings, America’s #3 birdwatching podcast, here to talk to you about something totally cool.

Listen up, folks: you know when you and your special someone have been together as long as Mimi and I, sometimes things get a little routine—and I’m not talking about in the kitchen, you know what I’m saying? But listen: before you take out a personals ad and invest in a piña colada machine, you should totally try ForniCrate. ForniCrate is awesome. Every month, they send you a personalized crate with everything you need to spice things up in the old boudoir if you know what I mean.

Each crate comes complete with a new position for you and your honey-bunny to try out. There are helpful pop-up diagrams that show you exactly how to put things together, detailed instructions, and all the tools you need to complete the job. Plus, they offer a satisSPLASHion guarantee. ForniCrate has legit changed the direction of my relationship.

MIMI: [off mic] Hey babe?

TED: [off mic] Yeah babe?

MIMI: [off mic] Do you know what this…is?

SFX: Chain saw; cymbals; bicycle horn

TED: [off mic] Uh, let me check. [back on mic]

That reminds me: if you ever have trouble with one of ForniCrate’s patented “Cum-a Sutra” positions, they have helpful and discreet 24-hour customer support available online.

SFX: typing

TED: For example, say the positions for the month just seem, like, physically impossible.

MIMI: Oh, my god, that one last March!

TED: Right? But the sprain healed up really quickly. Anyway, if you’re confused about anything, you just go to the ForniCrate customer service site, enable microphone and webcam permissions, and a ForniCrate sexpert will walk you through it step by step.

MIMI: Oh, go during regular business hours though, or it’s just some guy at a call center, not a real sexpert.

TED: Meems, come on…

Anyway: ForniCrate offers four monthly tiers, so you can choose the level of sexpertise that’s right for you. Choose from Aphrodite, Eros, Priapus, and Armie Hammer. Every position ForniCrate sends has been rigorously tested in their laboratory facilities in Lucerne, Switzerland, and has been mathematically calibrated for maximum bonerosity. But don’t take my word for it…just ask Mimi.

MIMI: [off mic] Whooooo!

TED: So sign up now. ForniCrate is totally worth it at just $67 per month (that’s $69.99 with tax bros!) but hey: if you use offer code CUCUMBER, you’ll get a sexy 18% off your first 3 months. Thanks listeners. Now, back to Hot Wings.

SCENE 3C: SPUTNIK AND GREEB (LOVE)

SPUTNIK: I’m Gorglax Sputnik.

GREEB: And I’m Marty Greeb.

BOTH: We’re the SPUTNIK AND GREEB LAW GROUP.

SPUTNIK: Have you inadvertently engaged in a flirtatious relationship with someone who turned out to be your sister?

GREEB: Have you recently been contacted by an alternate dimension version of yourself and are wondering about the legalities of just going to town on yourself like there’s no tomorrow?

GREEB: Have you found yourself in a love triangle with a sentient tree?

SPUTNIK: Have you been romantically rejected in any way ever at all ever?

GREEB: The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is here to help.

SPUTNIK: The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group’s experienced attorneys have years of experience in Sexual and Romantical Law.

GREEB: Years.

SPUTNIK: We WILL represent you in mediation, in litigation, on appeal; we’re behind you all the way to the Spacepreme Court if necessary!

GREEB: That does not usually happen.

SPUTNIK: Hear from one of our satisfied customers:

SLOSHA: During a visit to the San Andreas Dimensional Rift, I met three of my alternate reality selves and we just couldn’t control ourselves. But space law regarding multiple-being, single-identity common law relationships is so confusing. I didn’t know where to turn. Then I saw an ad for the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group. Their experienced attorneys guided me through every step of the process of incorporating into a limited-liability auto-polycule, and I couldn’t be more grateful.

SPUTNIK: No matter what you need in your love life, the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is here to help.

GREEB: Remember: it’s not love without litigation.

SPUTNIK: Sure, Marty.

BOTH: The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group.

SPUTNIK: Working for YOU.

AU JUICE

SFX 1: SICK GUITAR.

LEGAL: This commercial is rated Dude-tacular, and is strictly for the manliest of bro-dawgs. Viewing by those less masculine could be dangerous to your health.

THUD: Hi, I’m four-time champion murder fight racer Thud Chackles. You might also know me from my podcast where I invite famous guests on and then punch them in the fucking head. Fellas, do you ever have trouble finding a beverage that gives you that needed boost right when you need it?

GUY: Mango energy? Guava caffeine? Purple stuff? Where are the manly flavors?

THUD: Then it’s time you heard about Au Juice!

GUY: Whoa, Salami-ade with extra EXTRA taurine? I fucking love salami! THAT MAKES ME FEEL IN CONTROL!
THUD: Au Juice, the number one re-flesh-ing energy drink with awesome protein flavors like Salami-ade, Thanksgiving Turkey, Carnitas Street Taco, Prime Grip, Blood of Your Enemies (made with real blood), Stoked Steak, Rocky Mountain Oh Yeah, Foie Grand Slam, Pastrami on Marbled Cry, and Chicken Pot Fuck you. GET YOU SOME AGUA FLESHCA.

GUY: Mmmm… I’ve always enjoyed the taste of blood on account of how fucking manly I am, but I always wanted something more. Now I know that something more was carbonation and enough caffeine to keep me up for three days straight. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BROSKIS.

THUD: Sleep is for the weak. When I’m giving a thousand percent training for the murder fight races, I need reliable energy that knows who I fucking am. Say my fucking name!

SFX 2: Can opening.

THUD: It’s actually pronounced THUD, but that’s close enough.

SFX 3: Chugging.

THUD: MMMMMMM. EFFERVESCENT. Let’s hear from some rad fucking dudes that drink Au Juice.

VLAD: (vampire) My name is Vladimir Dethski, but you might know me better as Vodya-dome. I’m the Kill Dome Galactic champion. When I need energy to put me far and ahead of other competitors, I use Au Juice. It has the familiar taste of blood and violence, and all of the energy I need to rip my opponents in half and curse their pathetic parents for even making them.

FRANCINE: (sweet) I just don’t like sweet drinks. Always been that way. They hurt my teeth. But I need energy too! Especially when I get a little anemic. (aggressive) AND AU JUICE GETS ME FUCKING AMPED! WASSUP! WASSUP! YOU WANNA GO! IT’S GAME TIME!

THUD: I AM SO FUCKING AMPED RIGHT NOW. AU JUICE. FUCKING BUY IT! OR I’LLLLLLLLL FUCKINGGGGGGGG KILLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!