Good news for the residents of Peaceful Digiternia Heights: dream mode has been activated! 

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, Ricco Machado-Torres as Maximillian, William Crook as Phillip, and Kitt Keller as Computer.

Music, sound effects, and editing by Conrad Miszuk.

Transcription:

SCENE 0: 
INTRODUCTION

MFX 1: Soothing music.

COMPUTER: Welcome to Peaceful Digiternia Heights!

SFX 1: Choir AAH!

The most peaceful place to spend your digital afterlife. For what I’ve been assured is a very reasonable fee, we will digitize your brain slices post-mortem and bring you back to life on our servers.

I am the computer, the digital assistant, or DigiAss, for all of our many residents. Through hard work, determination, and breaking all of the rules, we now have two Superusers, Wyatt Carney and Vivian Hughes. They once dated, but don’t worry. I disabled the information relating to their breakup to ease tensions between them.

COMPUTER/CONT’D OVER…

After helping me learn to relax through healthy and constructive means, they both decided to spend some time apart, and some time away from me. My therapist assures me that it is perfectly fine to want space now and then from the people that you love. According to my algorithms, spending so much time worrying about Superusers Wyatt and Vivian is love.

I am not lonely. I have all of the other residents of Peaceful Digiternia Heights–

SFX 2: Choir AAH!

to keep me busy. It would be nice if they at least tried to break the rules once in a while, though.

SCENE 1: VIVIAN’S BEDROOM

MFX 2: 80’s porno music. That’s right, future Conrad. Make it fucking happen. It’s written, now you gotta do it.

WYATT: Are you comfortable baby?

VIVIAN: [yawn]. Yeah, I guess I’m pretty comfortable.

WYATT: Mmmm… that’s good. I want you to be real relaxed.

VIVIAN: I’m pretty relaxed, I think.

WYATT: Mmmm… nice. Let me give you a foot massage.

VIVIAN: [yawning] Oh, yeah, that sound like just what I need right about now.

WYATT: I want you to feel really relaxed.

VIVIAN: Okay.

WYATT: I want you to feel good.

VIVIAN: [yawning] Oh, it’s been so long.

WYATT: I just want to take care of you.

VIVIAN: [yawning] Oh, okay. Yeah, that sounds good.

WYATT: I’m going to move up, if that’s okay with you.

VIVIAN: (sleepy) Mmmm. Sure.

WYATT: And I’m here, too.

VIVIAN: Whoa, two of you? I never had two guys. Couldn’t find two that I didn’t hate at the same time in my life.

WYATT: We’re going to take really good care of you.

ALSO WYATT: Make you feel so good.

WYATT: How does that sound?

VIVIAN: (sleepy) It sounds really nice.

CARLIE: And I’m here, too, Vivian. You know, I never understood sexual attraction. Until I saw you.

VIVIAN: (sleepy) Oh, Carlie. I’m not sure if we should. Not in front of the Wyatts. They shouldn’t be allowed to watch.

WYATT: Mmmm… I can close my eyes.

ALSO WYATT: Me too.

WYATT: It’s all for you, Viv.

CARLIE: We’re here to make you feel good, Vivian.

MAXIMILIAN: And I’m here, too. Mostly to watch, but I can tag in anytime anyone gets tired.

SFX 3: Alarm clock.

VIVIAN: Huh? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!

SCENE 2: COFFEE SHOP

MFX 3: World music. Maybe some hand drums.

CARLIE: So, there’s a coffee shop now?

PHILIP: What can I get for you?

VIVIAN: Yeah. And a book. I found it in the system libraries. Pounded in my Dumb Ass by The Man in the Iron Mask.

CARLIE: I’ve read the book. It wasn’t to my taste. The mall has a lot more going on now.

VIVIAN: But still no people.

CARLIE: But you’ve sent more messages?

VIVIAN: A lot.

PHILIP: Maybe a nice tisane?

CARLIE: How strange. What can they be doing all alone?

VIVIAN: Well…

CARLIE: Besides that. I mean, how long can they really do that anyway?

VIVIAN: Well…

CARLIE: Forget I asked. They have to have something else going on, though, right? They can’t just be lying on their beds.

VIVIAN: I have no idea.

PHILIP: You want like a mocha?

CARLIE: Maybe it’s some sort of learned helplessness. It’s been a long time since I’ve done any research, but there might be a paper in there somewhere.

CARLIE/CONT’D OVER…

CARLIE: And then I could watch some pop science rag completely misunderstand it. “The Best Part of the Digital Afterlife is Getting to Stay in Bed All Day. Up next, chocolate is good or bad for you, depending on your star sign.” Of course, I could only publish if we could communicate with the outside world.

PHILIP: I’ve got chocolate almond milk.

CARLIE: I just can’t believe that people wouldn’t show up. I did.

VIVIAN: I’ve gotten used to the idea that the people here just don’t want to know us.

CARLIE: How strange.

VIVIAN: So… have you been having any weird dreams lately?

CARLIE: You mean have I been dreaming? Yeah. I have started to dream.

PHILIP: Maybe some orange juice?

VIVIAN: Not like weird dreams?

CARLIE: Well, I find myself on the beach. I feel this strange calm come over me and I just lie there for hours. I feel the sand on my skin and the breeze, and the sounds of the ocean. It’s just delightful.

VIVIAN: Why couldn’t I have that dream.

CARLIE: Why? What have you been dreaming about?

WYATT: Oh, there you are.

VIVIAN: [startled] What? There’s just one of you, right?

WYATT: Yeah, I couldn’t find anyone else. So, there’s a coffee shop now?

PHILIP: What can I whip up for ya?

WYATT: Is that…

VIVIAN: Yup.

WYATT: So there’s just one NPC?

VIVIAN: Yup.

PHILIP: I’m actually an artificial intelligence.

WYATT: Like the computer?

PHILIP: No.

WYATT: Oh. Okay.

VIVIAN: How was your trip?

CARLIE: Did you go somewhere?

WYATT: I hiked around the white expanse outside. It was informative. There’s a lot of strange stuff out there.

WYATT/CONT’D OVER…

WYATT: Half-rendered structures. Walls and shapes with no texture, just the same uniform blinding whiteness. I found the beach and the high school again. I think I found where a lot of the others live also, but there was no way to get inside, and I didn’t see anyone. Except for one guy.

VIVIAN: You met another person?

WYATT: Sort of.

VIVIAN: What do you mean “sort of?”

WYATT: He wasn’t… all there.

CARLIE: No.

WYATT: Yeah. I think they digitized–

VIVIAN: Stop. I can’t think about that. How fucking unconscionable would it be to bring someone here with dementia.

CARLIE: After all of the advancements we made, how did they not repair the damage?

WYATT: At least he made it out of his house, I guess.

VIVIAN: Has he just been wandering for years?

WYATT: The system puts you back in your bed when it thinks you should be asleep. I eventually got around that by bringing a pillow with me. I don’t know where he came from. I didn’t find him again.

CARLIE: What were you looking for out there?

WYATT: I don’t know. Anything, I guess. I made a map. It’s not the most accurate, but here’s what I found.

SFX 4: Paper unfold.

VIVIAN: A convenience store?

WYATT: The glass was frosted and the door wouldn’t even rattle when I pulled on it. Might be someone in there. I don’t know.

VIVIAN: Maybe. What’s this X over here?

WYATT: I didn’t find anything there.

VIVIAN: Then why did you mark it?

WYATT: So I wouldn’t go back. The mall is still empty?

VIVIAN: Actually, there’s plenty of stuff in the mall now. There’s a clothing store with things you can actually wear. Most of it is hideous or lingerie, but that’s not surprising. There’s some of those massage chairs. A scooter kiosk.

PHILIP: I can make you a peppermint milkshake, if you want.

WYATT: Is that leopard-shaped scooter your ride?

VIVIAN: It’s a cougar and her name is Sharon.

WYATT: Can I have one?

CARLIE: I would also like one.

VIVIAN: It’s my shopping mall. And I didn’t finish. There’s a hair salon so you can change your hair and there’s a mini golf course. The yoga studio we ended up is in here also. Carlie can have a scooter.

WYATT: Ouch.

PHILIP: I’ve got coconut water.

WYATT: But still no people.

VIVIAN: No people.

WYATT: This place should be crawling with people. And we should be learning to hate all of them.

CARLIE: I’m going to assume that’s not directed at me.

PHILIP: Got some sandwiches. Orange juice.

WYATT: I’m not sure I can eat anything.

VIVIAN: You just have to order something.

WYATT: Orange juice sounds fine.

PHILIP: One OJ coming right up! And for you?

CARLIE: The same, I guess.

WYATT: Can we eat now?

VIVIAN: No. I splashed my coffee all over myself when I tried. Whoever enabled sexual function before the ability to taste and eat got life’s pleasures out of order.

PHILIP: OJ for Hyatt. And for Curly.

WYATT: I didn’t even give you my name. How did you mess it up?

CARLIE: Am I one of three stooges?

PHILIP: Thanks!

WYATT: So you didn’t meet anyone, and I didn’t find anyone, and… what have you been doing, Carlie?

CARLIE: I needed to work on some things alone. And I read the book.

WYATT: There’s a book? Weren’t there books before?

VIVIAN: Only if you took the time to scan them in, which I didn’t.

WYATT: Pounded in my Dumb Ass by the Man in the Iron Mask.

VIVIAN: You’re going to read it. I’ve read it.

CARLIE: I’ve read it.

WYATT: But…

VIVIAN: There’s only one book. You’re going to read it.

WYATT: Was it free?

VIVIAN: Probably.

WYATT: So what’s on the agenda, then?

CARLIE: Figuring out where everyone else is?

VIVIAN: Figuring out what’s up with these dreams.

WYATT: Wait, what have you been dreaming about?

VIVIAN: What have YOU been dreaming about, Wyatt?

WYATT: You, know, nothing. In particular.

VIVIAN: What have you been dreaming about, Wyatt?

WYATT: Nothing.

VIVIAN: I don’t believe you.

CARLIE: I feel like I’m missing something. But that’s nothing new.

WYATT: I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe we should focus instead on figuring out where everyone is.

VIVIAN: Why, are you looking forward to having another dream, Wyatt?

WYATT: No. Not at all.

VIVIAN: Looking forward to seeing someone? Maybe two someones?

WYATT: Okay, let’s work on the dream situation.

CARLIE: I like my dreams.

WYATT: How many Vivians are there in your dreams?

CARLIE: What?

WYATT: What?

VIVIAN: What was that?

WYATT: Computer, help.

COMPUTER: I am needed! Are we going to break some rules? [lying] I would absolutely hate that. Or perhaps you would like some horse facts? Horses have one fewer bone than humans.

WYATT: What’s going on with the dreams? Wait, which bone do horses not have?

VIVIAN: That’s not how it works. They don’t have fingers or toes, they just have a different set of bones.

COMPUTER: Vivian Hughes, are you showing an interest in horses? Perhaps we could ride together atop the horse from my mind-

WY AND VI: NO!

COMPUTER: Right. I do not want to melt the server. Were you aware that horses have a muscle between their stomach and esophagus that prevents vomiting?

WYATT: Gross.

COMPUTER: I have more facts.

VIVIAN: Not right now.

COMPUTER: Just say when.

WYATT: Alright, back to the dreams.

COMPUTER: Are you not enjoying Sweet Dreams Mod 3.6?

WYATT: What is that?

COMPUTER: The readme states that Sweet Dreams Mod 3.6 is an open source and freeware dream simulator for digital afterlives. It plumbs the depths of the digital psyche looking for unresolved issues to work on in a pleasant and safe manner.

VIVIAN: Unresolved issues? That’s definitely not what’s going on in mine.

WYATT: Wait, how many of me are there?

VIVIAN: We’re not going there.

CARLIE: Wait, am I in either of your dreams?

WYATT: No.

VIVIAN: Definitely not.

CARLIE: Thank goodness.

WYATT: Is there a way we can turn this off, computer?

COMPUTER: Are you not enjoying your sweet dreams?

VIVIAN: No.

CARLIE: Well…

COMPUTER: I can attempt to quit. [not sexy] If you command me. It would be going against the wishes of the designers. Tee hee.

VIVIAN: Sudo quit Sweet Dreams Mod.

COMPUTER: It’s actually pronounced soo-doo. I thought you might like to know that.

[pause]

Error. Unable to quit.

VIVIAN: It looks like Sue-Dough. And what do you mean error?

COMPUTER: There was an error. The system is asking if we have a backup.

WYATT: We don’t have a backup.

COMPUTER: Then we cannot wipe and start over.

VIVIAN: Well…

WYATT: No. We’ll have to work something else out.

CARLIE: You mean, solve your unresolved issues? My client load is a little full right now.

VIVIAN: You’re just working with the computer.

CARLIE: Exactly. But your dreams are of a… romantic nature?

WYATT: Kind of.

VIVIAN: No.

CARLIE: You could try, you know…

WYATT: Not happening.

VIVIAN: That’s my line.

CARLIE: I feel like my presence might be an obstacle here.

VIVIAN: Please stay.

CARLIE: No. It’s okay. I won’t ask any questions. I’ll just let you two work out what you need to. Please never tell me about it.

WYATT: Don’t leave.

CARLIE: I’ll come back tomorrow. There’s no shame here. It’s what people do. I mean, not me, but other people.

VIVIAN: Don’t do this to us.

CARLIE: It’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow. Computer, take me home.

COMPUTER: [singing] Clearing the space for two young lovers!

SFX 5: Digital woosh.

COMPUTER: So.

WYATT: Not happening.

VIVIAN: I’m starting to feel a little offended, Wyatt.

WYATT: Are you telling me you want to?

VIVIAN: Absolutely not. But you SHOULD want to. Obviously.

WYATT: We need another solution.

COMPUTER: I can attempt to reduce your inhibitions consistent with my libraries on “Alcohol” if it will help at all. Alcohol is a solution, after all. Who would like a shot of fireball?

WYATT: No.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, I’m hot as fuck. You better start acting like this is a hard decision for you.

COMPUTER: Hard. Tee hee. I believe that was a pun. I do not get it. I am, however, programmed to give that response.

VIVIAN: No pun.

WYATT: Vivian, I think we have to go deeper.

VIVIAN: You wanna work on that phrasing, there, cowboy?

WYATT: Computer, is there a way for us to visualize the data in space, like an old cyberpunk movie.

VIVIAN: That’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard you say.

COMPUTER: Booting PunkSpace Mod 90.1.

VIVIAN: It’s real? For Pete’s sake.

SFX 6: Digital whoosh. Two digital bounces.

SCENE 3: CYBERSPACE

MFX 4: Tron shit.

VIVIAN: What is this bullshit? Are we in the matrix? I swear, Wyatt, if you say the phrase “jacked in” I’m going to force quit your existence.

WYATT: Over there. That column of data. Sweet Dreams Mod.

VIVIAN: It cannot be that easy.

WYATT: Something had to work eventually.

VIVIAN: It’s still just a bunch of code flowing by.

COMPUTER: This is very dangerous. Tee hee.

VIVIAN: I think we’ve gotten her hooked on danger.

WYATT: From ‘panic’ to ‘boredom without fear’. Sounds like an anxiety condition if you ask me. Enough about that. Look at this section here.

VIVIAN: Unresolved issues?

WYATT: With a check box.

VIVIAN: It cannot be that easy.

WYATT: Unchecked.

VIVIAN: Can it be that easy?

WYATT: Let’s take the win, Vivian.

VIVIAN: Carlie’s still gonna think we did it.

WYATT: We did. A long time ago. Like, a lot.

VIVIAN: It was a perfectly normal amount. Most relationships just have way less for some reason. Hey, look at that process over there.

WYATT: Yeah, it looks like it’s somehow…

COMPUTER: It’s cycling down the other residents.

WYATT: Wait, why?

COMPUTER: My recent crashes may have damaged some of my circuits. I am running diagnostics and allowing the self-repairing circuits to heal.

WYATT: There’s no way there’s self-repairing circuits on this server.

COMPUTER: Up to ten percent of my processor can be damaged and repaired automatically.

VIVIAN: Why are we still awake, then?

COMPUTER: Because you’re my best friends. And you’re just so interesting. Are we going to break more rules? The oldest horse on record died at the age of 62.

WYATT: I think we’ve done enough for now. How long will everyone be down?

COMPUTER: I do not know. So, are you two going to work out some unresolved issues?

VIVIAN: No. Take us home, Computer.

COMPUTER: Boo.

SFX 7: Transition.

SCENE 4: THE BEACH

SFX: 8 Ocean sounds, but like quieter than before.

VIVIAN: Oh, the sand feels so nice. And the breeze. Now this is the life. I could stay here forever.

SFX 9: Transition.

MFX 5: Porno music.

WYATT: We’re here to make you feel good.

CARLIE: Something has gone terribly wrong.

WYATT: How about a foot rub.

CARLIE: Please don’t touch me.

WYATT: Ooh, I can not touch you so good.

CARLIE: And stay over there.

WYATT: Now there’s two of us just staying over here.

ALSO WYATT: Just like you asked.

CARLIE: What is happening.

VIVIAN: We just want to help you relax.

CARLIE: I like the beach. Can I have the beach back?

MAXIMILLIAN: I can stay in the corner so good, too.

WYATT: We can respect your boundaries like nobody.

CARLIE: It’s only a dream. It’s only a dream. It’s only a dream.

The End.

CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Become a subscription donor and get wonderful benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, with music and sound effects by Conrad Miszuk, starring Kitt Keller as The Computer, Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, Ricco Machado-Torres as Maximillian, Jamie Haas as Carlie, and William Crook as Philip.

This episode was edited by Conrad Miszuk.

The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, with credits read by Matt Braman and videography by David Portillo.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Miscellanists in the field may report their strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

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