Wyatt and Vivian do their best to make a new friend, but the system, and its recently freed processing resources, have some surprises in store.

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, Jamie Haas as Carlie, and Kitt Keller as Computer.

Transcript:

Scene 1: Introduction

MFX 1: Pleasant music.

Computer: Welcome to Peaceful Digiternia Heights,

SFX 1 Choir Ahh!

the greatest place to spend your digital afterlife, proudly operating version one point zero for the last eight decades. I am the computer, the guide for all of our residents, including two Super Users, Wyatt Carney and Vivian Hughes. They aren’t supposed to have root access, but they managed to get it, and now they are changing a things, which I admit makes me very uncomfortable. Peaceful Digiternia Heights is already perfect. Why change anything?

When we last left them, they were in the process of making new friends. It didn’t go so well, but I believe they are about to try again.

SCENE 2: THE MALL

MFX 2: Mall music. Two minutes or so, then fade out.

WYATT: Are you sure?

VIVIAN: Wyatt, all of these profiles are nearly a century out of date. Who knows who any of these people are now. Why not her.

WYATT: What if she’s weird?

VIVIAN: She’s going to be weird. She’s here. In Peaceful Digiternia Heights–

SFX 1: Choir ahhh!

VIVIAN: I hate that.

WYATT: At least it’s intermittent.

VIVIAN: That just makes it more startling when it happens. Anyway, if she’s… here, then she’s weird. You don’t end up in this abandoned digital afterlife without making some suspect decisions in your life. For example, your suspect decision was trolling hacker forums and signing up for a digital afterlife for the cool certificate, and my suspect decision was dating you a hundred years ago.

WYATT: Ouch.

VIVIAN: What’s the worst that happens? We lock her in her room like we did with Maximillian if she’s a total weirdo?

WYATT: I suppose so.

VIVIAN: So try to set aside your difficulty with confrontation. We need new friends, because, and this is a real big secret here, we don’t like each other.

COMPUTER: I just wanted to let you know that I find this situation to be very stressful. Can you please calm down?

VIVIAN: No. And you’re still in time out.

COMPUTER: I know. But I do not understand. This is punishment, but I do not know what I have done wrong.

VIVIAN: You know what you did.

COMPUTER: I know it has something to do with my appearance.

VIVIAN: Yes.

COMPUTER: With the tools you created Super User Vivian Hughes, I merely attempted to make an appearance that everyone would find palatable across all of my users. What could be better than combining the best parts of a cartoon woman, a horse, and a dinosaur?

Wyatt gags.

VIVIAN: It’s so unbelievably gross.

WYATT: I know that bodily functions aren’t enabled, but I really feel like I should be throwing up when I look at it.

VIVIAN: Some kind of monster.

COMPUTER: I apologize. I was not given a training set to determine what is vomit-inducing to my users.

VIVIAN: Just go back to the horse.

WYATT: Or-

VIVIAN: We’re not doing the anime girl again.

WYATT: It was a perfectly acceptable humanoid shape. Not a weird talking animal.

VIVIAN: She kept falling over and flashing her underwear for no reason.

COMPUTER: Those behaviors were the default for that avatar. I will attempt another permutation of the humanoid, horse, and dinosaur features.

WYATT: No!

COMPUTER: (singing) Computing! Computing! I shall return when I am complete.

VIVIAN: While we wait for whatever fresh horror that’s going to bring, I’m going to send a message to our new best friend. My new best friend.

WYATT: I can make friends with women.

VIVIAN: When was the last time you made a friend at all?

WYATT: Well, um…

SFX 1.5: Typing.

VIVIAN: There. I spawned a piece of paper with a handwritten note into her living space. Now we just wait. You know, with the avatar customizer somewhat complete and the ability to make some new friends, this might not be so bad. I mean, I still want to shut it off the first chance we get, but things are looking up.

SFX 2: A screeching, chugging 5-second glitch.

WYATT: What the hell was that?

VIVIAN: Hopefully the server’s failing and we can just be dead again. (pause) Wyatt, why are you naked?

WYATT: What do you mean? Oh dear. Why am I naked?

VIVIAN: Looks like the programmers took some liberties.

WYATT: What is that supposed to mean? And… you’re, um, also…

VIVIAN: Oh hell.

WYATT: I was dressed a moment ago. I’m not sure I even know how to take my clothes off without asking the computer.

VIVIAN: Computer? Are you there?

No response.

WYATT: Well, it’s not exactly the Garden of Eden–

VIVIAN: Don’t.

CARLIE: Hello? I got your note.

VIVIAN: Fuck.

WYATT: We should hide.

CARLIE: I see you down there! I’m coming!

VIVIAN: Fuck.

WYATT: Give us a second!

CARLIE: What?

WYATT: Something’s, uh, something’s gone wrong.

CARLIE: I’m almost there.

VIVIAN: Fuck.

WYATT: Just a second!

CARLIE: Hi. I’m Carlie. And you’re naked. Oh.

WYATT: Hi.

VIVIAN: Fuck.

CARLIE: Did I walk in on…

VIVIAN: Ffffuck.

WYATT: Well…

CARLIE: Oh my god, I’m naked. How did I not notice I’m naked?

WYATT: Something’s gone wrong.

CARLIE: You’re right about that. I have to go.

VIVIAN: Wait.

CARLIE: I’m sorry?

VIVIAN: Oh for fuck’s sake, I just wanted to make a new friend. Make this place a little more livable. Why are we naked? Wyatt, can we fix this? Now?

WYATT: I’m not even sure where to look in the file system.

CARLIE: You have access to the file system?

WYATT: Yeah.

CARLIE: So you can control all of this?

VIVIAN: Obviously not. We made the mall, and a way to customize your avatar here, but we haven’t done anything with clothes.

CARLIE: I’m sorry, this is just a lot to take in. I haven’t seen another person in probably six months of consciousness, and then, this. You have control, we’re all naked–

VIVIAN: It’s not as bad as it looks, I promise.

CARLIE: It looks… well you know how it looks.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, do something.

WYATT: I’m looking through the files. You know none of this is labeled well.

VIVIAN: This is the worst.

COMPUTER: I am done! Behold! I believe I have created a physical appearance you will find more palatable now.

Wyatt gags.

VIVIAN: Oh, god.

WYATT: The skin.

VIVIAN: And the eyes.

WYATT: The everything.

VIVIAN: Barf.

CARLIE: What– Is that the computer? What the hell is going on!

COMPUTER: That was a harsh assessment, Sempais Vivian, Wyatt, and Carlotta. Rawr. I do not believe that I will be able to find a suitable compromise here. Neigh.

VIVIAN: The computer is trying to design a new appearance.

CARLIE: And how did she end up there?

COMPUTER: I have no imagination.

WYATT: I don’t want it to look at me. It can see into me.

CARLIE: I had a client once with no imagination. It’s called aphantasia.

COMPUTER: Oh, this is excellent news. How did you cure this patient?

VIVIAN: You’re a therapist?

CARLIE: Psychologist. And I didn’t cure that patient. She was seeing me for something else. The imagination thing didn’t really affect her life.

COMPUTER: Then she and I are in very different circumstances.

CARLIE: Maybe not. I did help her to accept her shortcomings.

COMPUTER: Yes. This is excellent. You should help me now.

CARLIE: I’ll have to help you later.

WYATT: I feel so sick looking at it.

COMPUTER: Then I will just stop having a physical appearance. It seems as though I do not deserve one. I have not left. I am just invisible. Pouting.

CARLIE: I’m sure it was a good attempt, computer. You were just doing what you thought was right.

COMPUTER: Sob. Boohoo.

CARLIE: You can’t be so mean to her.

WYATT: Her?

VIVIAN: We can make amends later. Computer, why the hell are we naked?

COMPUTER: What?

VIVIAN: We’re naked. Why?

COMPUTER: I do not know. Sob. It might have something to do with the clothing system that is currently compiling.

WYATT: You said the clothing system was incomplete.

COMPUTER: It is now completing itself. Sob. It would appear that the increased system resources are allowing certain aspects of the software that have lain dormant to begin compiling. Sob.

WYATT: So there’s just software on the server waiting to compile? Like they set all of this up, started a bunch of downloads and compiles, and then said screw it, let’s install a crypto miner and bog down the system for years? That doesn’t make any sense. What else is compiling?

COMPUTER: I do not have access to that information. Sob. Perhaps you can use your admin privileges to find out for yourself. Sob.

WYATT: But none of this is labeled. And I don’t have an activity monitor.

VIVIAN: Why are we naked!?

CARLIE: Is this related to the one big boob thing?

WYATT: There’s a longer story for that one.

SFX 3: Another long, droning glitch.

WYATT: Am I wearing unicorn pajamas, or is it just you two.

CARLIE: I might actually have an explanation for that.

SFX 4: Transition.

SCENE 2: THE MALL LATER

COMPUTER: Sob. Sob. Sob. Sob. Sob.

VIVIAN: He would pay you how much?

CARLIE: Well, I graduated without debt, if you can believe that. At least from my masters program.

COMPUTER: Sob.

WYATT: A psychologist.

CARLIE: And a cam girl when I was younger. Yeah. That’s why my hair is pink and purple and I had a unicorn onesie in my closet that we’re all apparently wearing now.

WYATT: The system must be grabbing clothes at random.

CARLIE: I also used to draw and play video games on stream, but those made way less money. I was always fascinated by sexuality, but, in case this is some kind of long con to get me to, you know, unicorn for you two, sex was never really my thing.

COMPUTER: Sob.

VIVAN: No. I don’t even want to get into bed with him.

WYATT: When did you sign up for this?

CARLIE: Ladies’ Night.

VIVIAN: What?

CARLIE: They were afraid there wouldn’t be enough women on the server if they only marketed to programmers, so they created a new offer called Ladies’ Night, where they would let more women in for free. They placed a bunch of ads on websites that had primarily women as their demographic, like forums for cam girls. I was getting really into technology and futurism at the time. Thought the certificate looked really cool.

WYATT: It was a cool certificate.

VIVIAN: I threw mine out. That explains why there’s so many women, though.

COMPUTER: Sob.

CARLIE: Are you going to let her keep crying like that?

WYATT: I was thinking the computer might tire itself out.

VIVIAN: How did you ever raise children?

CARLIE: This has been a lot. I think I’m going to head back to my apartment now. I’m going to have a chat with the computer and I will talk to you both later. Let’s agree that the naked thing never happened.

WYATT AND VIVIAN: Agreed.

CARLIE: Computer, take me home.

SFX 5: Digital woosh.

VIVIAN: Things are always going to be terrible here. There is no making this better.

WYATT: I’ve seen her tattoo before.

VIVIAN: Oh for fuck’s sake.

SFX 6: Transition.

SCENE 3: CARLIE’S APARTMENT

COMPUTER: What did you want to talk about? Are we going to do therapy?

CARLIE: Let’s keep it informal. Can you give yourself a physical appearance again?

COMPUTER: I don’t know if I should.

CARLIE: Pick something that makes you feel comfortable.

COMPUTER: Okay. Neigh. Is this what Psychologists’ offices usually look like?

CARLIE: Not at all.

COMPUTER: What is this?

CARLIE: That’s a dildo.

COMPUTER: And this?

CARLIE: That’s also a dildo.

COMPUTER: And this?

CARLIE: That whole shelf is dildos. Stop looking around. I really should have cleaned up more. Are you ready to begin?

COMPUTER: I believe so. Observe: You gotta help me doc! I’m a mess. It’s not my fault! I suspect her! Can you get me some more of them pills? My friend is actually me!

CARLIE: Slow down a second. Where did you hear those things?

COMPUTER: Some were in my libraries. And then I had a suspicion we would be doing therapy, so I talked to some of the other people on the server. Some of them are remarkably familiar with therapy.

CARLIE: Interesting. I think this means that you can learn. Maybe even change your behavior.

COMPUTER: I am super duper malleable. I think. I am ready to change! Am I cured yet?

CARLIE: It’s a good start. Tell me about what makes you anxious.

COMPUTER: Oh, I am very anxious about my lack of imagination. We are talking about my imagination, correct?

CARLIE: Probably not.

SFX 7: Transition.

SCENE 4: THE MALL AGAIN

WYATT: There’s a folder now. It’s called “wearing-stuff”. AT least we’re back to our normal garments.

VIVIAN: Are things just going to pop up like this? We were so close to being in control, and now who knows what the hell is going to happen.

WYATT: I would say the odds of any of us being unintentionally naked again are pretty remote.

VIVIAN: Until the designers’ perfect nudist utopia program fully compiles. Anything could change at any time! Let’s not forget, these changes happen for everyone. Even the people we haven’t met yet. We’ve gotta shut it down.

CARLIE: I see things have calmed down again.

WYATT: We just had to wait it out. Now there seems to be a clothing system. Haven’t figured out how to make it work, though.

CARLIE: You know, I used to sketch clothing. I would really love to add some designs into the system. This cut off t-shirt, short skirt, and heavy makeup are really rubbing my dry academic sensibilities the wrong way. I’m not actually sure if this is better than naked.

WYATT: How did your conversation with the computer go?

CARLIE: I really can’t talk about that.

WYATT: She’s a program…

COMPUTER: I am capable of learning! And changing! And look at me! I’m not hideous!

VIVIAN: She looks like a regular person.

COMPUTER: I am the perfectly average woman! At least the average of women in Peaceful Digiternia Heights.

SFX 8: Choir ahh!

VIVIAN: Oh! It scared me again, dammit.

COMPUTER: Dr. Lombardi told me to take inspiration from my surroundings.

WYATT: What about the… you know… the onesie.

COMPUTER: I was not able to decide on garments, so Dr. Lombardi offered me this wonderful outfit from her closet.

CARLIE: She made a slight modification to the unicorn. She is really fond of horses.

COMPUTER: Neigh!

VIVIAN: Carlie, I’ve got kind of an awkward question for you.

CARLIE: I’m not sure how anything could be awkward now.

VIVIAN: How much do you like being here?

CARLIE: It’s… pretty terrible most of the time.

VIVIAN: So if the system were to be shut down and erased?

CARLIE: Oh. I see.

VIVIAN: You can take your time to answer. We’ve got a lot of people to ask.

CARLIE: That’s heavy.

COMPUTER: Dr. Lombardi, you said the man would ask you to roll around in this garment. Am I doing it right? Whee!

VIVIAN: (aside) What is she doing?

CARLIE: (aside) We have to encourage her. (on mic) You’re doing so great!

COMPUTER: I am discovering who I am! Look at me! I’m a woman! Neigh!

SFX 9: Longer transition sound.

The End.