LEPTON:    Welcome back to Iron Tyrant with me, your host Lepton Brown. Our doomtestants have been whipping up a little bespoke Apocalypse for the cultists of the planet Fleeve. 

    Doomtestant Gandra has been planning… something; she won’t tell us, and doomtestant Malmo Zarathustra hopes to wow the judges with a fireworks spectacular.  Doomtestant Quantas’s plan is just the word “Smash” printed repeatedly front and back in a number of different fonts for 7 full pages of legal sized paper. There is some Comic Sans in there, so we’re assuming it’s plenty evil.

    Let’s check in with everyone. Gandra?

GANDRA:    Piss off.

LEPTON:    I see. And how are you coming along?

GANDRA:    Piss off. I’m creating.

LEPTON:    Well, I’m looking forward to that. Now on to Quantas. How are things looking for you Quantas?

QUANTAS:    SMASH

LEPTON:    Right, and what do you mean by that?

QUANTAS:    SQUOOOSHKAAAAAHHHHH 

LEPTON:    Right, can you clarify what’s going on with—

SFX:    Crunching metal and breaking glass.

LEPTON:    [yelling] Hey, no, that is top of the line recording equipment; you can’t just—no, no, no, not the boom mic, wait—

SFX:    Crunch

SFX:    Feedback

SFX:    That technical difficulties beep

LEPTON:    [flustered] And we’re back again. Checking in with doomtestant Dr. Malmo Zarathustra. Doctor?

MALMO:    Someday.

LEPTON:    What was that?

MALMO:    Nothing, nothing. How can I help you, Lepton?

LEPTON:    Well, I’m checking in with all the doomtestants to see where they’re “at” so to speak with the installations. Is your plan coming at long last to fruition?

MALMO:    You know what, Lepton? That is exactly how I would have put it myself. At last, my genius and power will be fully unleashed upon the planet Fleeve and then again a few months later after post production upon the approximately 425,000 regular viewers who watch Iron Tyrant in syndication.

LEPTON:    Well, keep up the good work.

MALMO:    Of course, of course.

MFX:    Talking head interview cue

MALMO:    I didn’t want to say anything to Lepton, but I’m actually really worried about some of the drilling patterns. The network of fireworks caches and the interconnecting lava tunnels are proving a little harder to map than previously expected, and when your entire workforce is made up of doomsday cultists, it’s really hard to get them to express any kind of enthusiasm for the job, you know?

    At least it’s good exposure. Get my name out there.

MFX:    Transition cue

LEPTON:    The doomtestants are nearing the halfway point of their construction. Loyal viewers know what that means—-

SFX:    Alarm

LEPTON:    Doomtestants! Stop what you’re doing and approach the judgement hexagon.

QUANTAS:    Smash?

GANDRA:    [honk]

MALMO:    I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’ve got this problem with tinnitus. Old workplace injury, you know.

LEPTON:    As you know, this isn’t just a competition to see who can create the most destructive end of times, it’s also a competition to see how well you think on your feet. Every show, the doomtestants are given a surprise element that they must then incorporate into their doomsday plans.

    For today’s challenge, the judges have decided that your doomsday devices, high concept plans, and devious machinations of incredible destruction must include the mystery component…

MFX:    Excitement cue!

LEPTON:    Guacamole.

SFX:    Studio audience gasps, then applauds.

LEPTON:    Here are your molcajetes; you can get back to your doom stations in 3-2-1-

SFX:    Airhorn

LEPTON:    GO GO GO!

MFX:    Talking head interview cue

QUANTAS:    SMASH?!? Hmmm… Squish?

MALMO:    Guacamole? Guacamole? I mean…how am I supposed to use this in my fireworks/core destruction extravaganza? I don’t even understand!

GANDRA:    Brilliant! Fantastic! Chaos, darling, chaos!

MALMO:    It’s just…really? I think my best play here is to get ahold of the ice cream maker before anyone else gets to it.

QUANTAS:    (Enjoying himself) Squish! Squish! HAHAHAHAHA Squish!

MALMO:    Guacamole. I was prepared for something like radium-225 or that fermented shark thing from Iceland, but guacamole?

QUANTAS:    SQUISHY SQUISH!

MFX:    Transition cue. 

LEPTON:    We’ll be right back