The highly motivated staff at Miscellany Quality Control are here to take care of you. Our phones lines are always open; give us a call at (224)CALL-RAD.

Quality Control was written by Matt Braman and features the voices of Ricco Machado-Torres as the Caller, Briauna Kittle as Operator 1, Jamie Haas as Operator 2, and Conrad Miszuk as the voice.

Music and sound by CodySean Hazelle.

Scene one of one: The phone call.

SFX 01: PHONE RING

SFX 02: CLICK

SFX 03: SHRIEKING MONKEYS

SFX 04: CLICK

SFX 05: SMOOTH JAZZ

SFX 06: CLICK

OPERATOR 1: Never Rad Miscellany. This call will be monitored for quality control purposes. Extension please.

CALLER: Uh, submissions I guess?

OPERATOR 1: What is your Miscellanist I.D. Number?

CALLER: My what? I’m not- I don’t even know what that is. The tape said to call this number and request “manual submission, data port north by north west, max priority”. I don’t know what that means, but it sounded important so I called you.

SFX 07: CLICK

SFX 08: SHRIEKING MONKEYS

SFX 09: CLICK

OPERATOR 2: Which side?

CALLER: What? Who is this?

OPERATOR 2: Which side of the tape did they write the number on?

CALLER: They didn’t. I mean, it wasn’t written. I heard the message in the recording.

OPERATOR 2: (BEAT) You played the tape?

CALLER: Yeah. Up to the message. Is that a problem?

OPERATOR 2: Which side?

CALLER: What?

OPERATOR 2: Which side of the tape had the message?

CALLER: The “A” side.

OPERATOR 2: Are you sure it was the “A” side?

CALLER: Yes. I always fast forward and rewind old tapes before I play them. Helps pack the reels evenly. To prevent unraveling.

OPERATER 2: Oh, Thank god. Do not play side “B” under any circumstances. Where did you find the tape?

CALLER: What do you mean, “Thank God?”

OPERATOR 2: Where did you find the tape?

CALLER: Okay, jesus. It was stuck in an answering machine I found at a thrift store. I refurbish 90’s technology and sell it online. It’s my side hus-

OPERATOR 2: Which thrift store?

CALLER: Which thrift store? What the hell is this? Who are you?

OPERATOR 2: It is crucial that you tell me the location where you found the tape.

CALLER: Is this the FBI or something?

OPERATOR 2: It is crucial that you tell me the location where you found the tape.

CALLER: Fine. The one by the University. Next to the laundromat.

OPERATOR 2: At what time?

CALLER: I don’t know. Around 4 PM.

OPERATOR 2: What day?

CALLER: Saturday.

OPERATOR: What date?

CALLER: This past one. The 22^nd.

OPERATOR 2: What month?

CALLER: Like I said. This one. June.

OPERATOR 2: What year?

CALLER: This has to be a joke.

OPERATOR 2: It is crucial that you tell me the current year at your location.

CALLER: At my location? What year is it where you are? Who is this?

OPERATOR 2: Listen carefully to the following instructions.

CALLER: Wait-

OPERATOR 2: Remain calm.

CALLER: Uh-

OPERATOR 2: Do not approach the tape. Do not play the tape. Especially do not play Side “B.” If you play any of the tape-

CALLER: I told you, I already played-

OPERATOR 2: -we cannot guarantee your safety. If you play side “B,” We cannot guarantee anyone’s safety. Proceed quickly and calmly to a quiet, dark location. You will be visited by a proctor within ten days to be assessed.

CALLER: Assessed? For what? Fucks sake, will you please explain-

SFX 10: CLICK

SFX 11: SCREAMING MONKEYS

SFX 12: CLICK

SFX 13: SMOOTH JAZZ

CALLER: Hello? Are you still there? Am I in some sort of danger? Hello?

SFX 14: SMOOTH JAZZ INTENSIFIES

CALLER: Operator. Operator. What do I press?

SFX 15: TELEPHONE BUTTON MASH TONES

CALLER: Hello?

SFX 16: SMOOTH JAZZ INTENSIFIES

SFX 17: TAPE STOP (STOP JAZZ)

SFX 18: BRIEF SILENCE

SFX 19: TAPE EJECTED AND RE-INSERTED

SFX 20: TAPE START

SFX 21: LOW DRONING SOUND

THE SPEAKER: Hello again. As always, thank you for listening. Now relax and let the sound of my voice wash over you you as we begin side “B.”

THE END

CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Quality Control Records Interstitial is written by Matt Braman, and voiced by Briauna Kittle, Ricco Machado-Torres, Jamie Haas, and Conrad Miszuk, with music and sound by Cody Hazelle. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon.