Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line.

Intermission written by the Never Rad Miscellany. Answering machine voice played by Jenae Hirsch. Music by Matt Braman.

Give them all some money at www.patreon.com/neverrad

The Never Rad Miscellany is produced and directed by Conrad Miszuk and is recorded live at The Rebel Lounge in Phoenix, AZ approximately every other month. Find out more at www.neverrad.com, or visit our various and sundry socials media:

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Transcription:

SCENE 1: 
MISSED CALL

SOUND: Dialing. Then ringing. Then an answer

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello! Thank you for calling support for the Never Rad Miscellany. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance, and total compliance. Please select from the following language options.

SOUND: A distorted explosion.

SOUND: Gun fire.

SOUND: Beeping computer noises.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Para español, diga Lechuga, or stay on the line for English.

A pause.

ANSWERING MACHINE: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Proceeding in English. Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed within the last century. For a technical issue, please say “Technical.” For an emotional issue, please say “I’m so sad.”

A pause.

ANSWERING MACHINE: I’m sorry to hear that you are so sad. All of our representatives are currently busy being devoured by Orgelthrek, master of darkness and purveyor of galactic destruction in the Twin Star Nebula. To swear fealty to Orgelthrek, say (demon sounds from hell). To remain independent and speak to a representative, stay on the line and we will be happy to assist you as soon as possible. Your time is valuable to us. Your estimated wait time is fifteen minutes. Get up. Stretch your legs. Get another drink. Inhale burning tobacco, etc. A representative will be with you soon.

MFX: Hold music begins. In the background, back masking and other eerie sounds play. The music lasts for fifteen minutes.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is the only form of entertainment on Deblep B. Other than striking your friend’s sex organs when they’re not looking.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is actually the cure for Harbolingdism on Salanaka Verdoof. The Universe is infinite, and eventually the odds will align for something like this to happen.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is 10,000% too cool. We did science to arrive at that number.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is your favorite number.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? Listening to the Never Rad Miscellany while growing new life inside of you may increase the intelligence of your progeny.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is edible in some system.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? Orgelthrek devours.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany has the same anti-depressant effects of a high five?

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is available as a sublingual from some providers.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is actually the most offensive phrase you’ve ever heard.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany cares and protects. Except from Orgelthrek. He devours.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany involves all of your senses. Even the weird ones. And the extra ones.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? It is normal to hear The Never Rad Miscellany long after the program ends.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is always working for you. Whether its the millennium-long war with the Light Jangus, or the endless effort to catalog and record the Universe in its natural state, it’s all for you.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany cares about you. We keep track of everything about you to make sure that our archives are always accurate. In the event that we have to reconstruct your consciousness based on this information, we got you covered.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is the national anthem of Golkunik much to the chagrin of their rival sports teams.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany’s original discovery was 10 million years ago on the distant planet Opal. The initial reaction? “Eh.”

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is translated into 100 different languages including binary, Grexnar, and dog. Bark bark bork.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? “Never Rad” is an accepted 3rd person neutral pronoun in the nominative case.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is filmed in front of a dead studio audience.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? If you play the Never Rad Miscellany backwards, you can hear the voice of Orgelthrek the Devourer summoning you to your most glorious devouration.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is entirely comprised of artificial colorings and flavorings.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is available in sizes up to 48GG.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is executive produced by DB Cooper.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Did you know? The Never Rad Miscellany is part of this complete breakfast.

ANSWERING MACHINE: I’m sorry. Your call has been disconnected. To hear more wonderful stories, please say “I’m a pwetty pwetty pwincess.”

A pause.

ANSWERING MACHINE: I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. Please say “I’m a pwetty pwetty pwincess”. Come on. Say it.

A pause.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Say it like mean it. Say it with your chest.

A pause.

ANSWERING MACHINE: You should smile more. Beginning Transmission.

Credits: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany.

The Intermission interstitial was written by the Never Rad Team and was performed by Jenae Hirsch and edited by Conrad Miszuk, with music and sound by Matt Braman.

Check out NeverRad.com for future show information.

Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon.