The exciting reality television show Hot Yacht has taken a turn when the Starship Sean Bean ends up on a collision course with a star and several cast members are forced to board an escape pod.

HOT POD PT 1

MFX 0.1:    Dramatic Cue

HOSTBEING:    Welcome back to season 22 of Hot Yacht! I’m your host, Serif Kerning, and this summer, we’re taking you back to the HotYacht luxury space palace for all the action—

SFX 1:    breaking glass

HOSTBEING:    All the drama—

SFX 2:    Person screaming “Do you know who I am?”

HOSTBEING:    And all the power-packed summer sizzle you know and love. 

SFX 3:    supernova

HOSTBEING:    Welcome back…to HotYacht: Hot Pod Edition.

MFX 2:    HotYacht theme: a sort of generic summery-pop tune that ends with a warbling boy band singing “HotYacht”. The word “Yacht” has been badly dubbed over with “Pod”. 

HOSTBEING:    Previously, on HotPod… the season 22 HotYacht luxury space palace collided with the sun while executing a classic ratings-enhancement ‘slingshot maneuver’, leaving the surviving cast, crew, and drama-instigator bots to finish out the season aboard B-deck Escape Pod 6. Now, the podtestants have to come to terms with their new living arrangements…

MFX 3:    Confessionals music cue

C’THAD:    What’s up, I’m Cthad. I don’t mean to brag, but I’m gelatinous. I like to party. It’s kind of my thing. Some people call me a bad boy, but deep down I’m just a fun loving translucent cube with a great sense of humor. I originally auditioned for Hot Pod on a dare from my boy Krondles, but now that the ship crashed into the sun and all our friends and family are dead, I think this might be a fun opportunity to make some new friends.  I’m kind of an alpha, but at the end of the day it’s all in good fun.  I guess you could say I’m a practical joker.  

    Like, one time in college I did this hilarious prank where I took all my roommate’s clothes and books and stuff and dissolved everything in acid and then when he came home I was like, “What up, Bromigo!”  Hilarious, right? I don’t mean to brag, but I have, like, a ton of cool catch phrases, it’s kind of my thing.  I don’t even need a monthly subscription service, I just come up with them, like, check this out.  “You thinkin’ what I’m stinkin?”  Boom, catch phrase.  You can have that.  Don’t use it, though, cuz it’s mine, but, like, yeah.

    Anyway, I’m stoked to be here.  We got food, drinks, I saw some alcohol in the first aid kit, so it’s legit party time.  I don’t mean to brag, but I can absorb like, a ton of food and alcohol.  Doesn’t even phase me.  It’s kind of my thing.  So, like, yeah.  Let’s rage!

CONTESSA:    [voice is slightly robotized] When the alarm sounded, I went immediately to the first class escape pod bay and boarded, but something must have gone wrong because somehow I ended up here. One of the staff must have…plugged something in wrong—the poor simply cannot manage even the simplest of tasks, can they? Anyway, I’ve been temporarily uploaded into the computing system for this escape pod—which hardly seems like a first class accommodation to me, by the way; I will be talking to the executive producers about that, you can be certain, we are old friends. And my luggage was left behind on the ship! The audacity! [to PA] Do you…do you know who I am? I-I say, you there, production whatever-you-are when are you going to do something about returning me to my rightful body? My attorneys are going to be speaking to your network flunkies just as soon as I get back to corporeal form, you can believe that!

HOSTBEING:    The Contessa doesn’t know it, but her physical body was destroyed in the collision when the HotYacht luxury space palace crashed into the sun. How will she react when she learns she’s going to be an escape pod AI…forever?

Colony – Luxville #1

GARY:     Hi, I’m Gary Name, lighthouse keeper for Lux Prima Station out here on the edge of the galaxy. I’m also mayor of Luxville, the lovely little town here on the space station. I heard that you might be looking for a change of pace in your life, and boy do I have the opportunity for you!

SFX 1:    Transition Woosh. It should sound like an edge wipe is happening.

GARY:    The fabulous Lux Prima Station, and its town Luxville, are looking for new residents!

SFX 2:    Transition Woosh.

GARY:    The Space Station has recently been expanded and renovated to have some exciting new features! Pool tables! A pool with enough room for many more than one people! Tennis courts! Tennis is a game for at least two people! Premium subspace Internet hookups! A kitchen with a dishwasher that can wash more than one bowl and a single fork! A massage robot! A room filled with bubbles! A public transit system to help you get from one module to the next! A library mostly filled with magazines! Oxygen production units useful for more than two human lungs. And new this year, we’ve got rooms for more people than just me!

SFX 3:    Transition Woosh.

GARY:    That’s right. The only resident of Lux Prima Station for the past ten years has been me, Gary Name! But no more. Being an edge of space lighthouse keeper is surprisingly lucrative, with the only drawback being that I can never leave! So I’ve invested heavily in the infrastructure here on Lux Prima Station to make Luxville habitable and comfortable for more people! So come on down and get your fresh start!

SFX 4:    Transition Woosh.

GARY:    We take anybody. Criminals. Wannabe criminals. People who have done unspeakable things that weren’t technically illegal but probably should have been. People who have been run out of town. People with extra feet. We’ll take ’em all! Up to eight people. There’s room for eight right now. I’ve got some more credits and building materials coming in a few months, but there’s room for eight now. Not including me. Eight more people.

    On the edge of space you have the wonderful opportunity of starting a career in intergalactic trade. The OmniGov is considering adding Lux Prima Station as a node in the trade network, and even without their recognition, there’s plenty of room to work in shady black market dealings!

SFX 5:    Transition Woosh.

GARY:    And best of all, you don’t even have to touch me. I mean, that would be great. I just… I’m not sure what I’ll do. I might cry a little. Tears of joy, you know. I don’t even care what kind of person you are or how many… extra feet you have. But you do have to talk to me at least once a day. But as far as taxes go, that’s it! Just talk to ol’ Gary Name here, and get on with your day. Get a massage from the robot. Read one of my many magazines. Play some subspace e-sports. Ride the transit system for a thrill. Just talk to me please.

SFX 6:    Transition Woosh.

GARY:    Luxville has everything you could want, and a power supply that will last three hundred years. That’s long enough to wait out whatever heat you’ve brought on yourself. And whatever heat you’ve brought with you. It’s peaceful and quiet out here, and it will only get quieter when I stop sobbing from the constant loneliness. So, get some change in your life. See the edge of space. But don’t look at it too long or you’ll risk space madness, you know. And keep ol’ Gary company out here! It’s free! Just talk to me! Bring your whole family! Up to eight people. For now. As I said I have more parts coming. And I get paid again on Space Tuesday.

Space Meds – Existentialism

MFX 1:    Generic sad music

SPOKESBEING:    Exhaustion. Lack of focus. Hangnails. Depression. Sound familiar? It did to me. When I talked to my diagnostic hivemind, they suggested that I might be suffering from existentialism.

    For a long time, I thought I was all alone. The endless days of contemplation, flaring eczema, and philosophical enquiry were starting to affect my day to day life. 

MFX 2:    Music reaches a generic hopeful crescendo 

SPOKESBEING:    But now, there’s hope. Now, there’s Qierkegaardizine [KEER-ki-GARD-i-ZEEN].

NARRATOR:    Qierkegaardizine works by reversing the polarity in your neurotransmitters, effectively neutralizing the harsher effects existentialism can cause. With treatment, patients taking Qierkegaardizine saw their symptoms gradually reduced. Over a period of 6 galactic standard months, over 90% of patients reported a 100% reduction in symptoms. If your symptoms aren’t well controlled with your current medication, adding Qierkegaardizine could help. Certain patients taking Qierkegaardizine reported experiencing hyperemesis, dizziness, other people, and surrealism. Do not take Qierkegaardizine while driving, operating heavy machinery, or majoring in philosophy. 

SPOKESBEING:    Talk to your doctor about Qierkegaardizine. I’m so glad I did!

MFX 3:    End music

Colony – Drosera #1

SPOKESBEING:     Life is too short to spend it toiling away  at work to try to create enough income to afford the newest Ninstation X console so you can forget about how boring and terrible your life is. Come live like you are dying over on Drosera. 

    We have soft, sandy white beaches where you  can relax, enjoy the sunshine, and throw your worries into a violet ocean filled with  an entire ecosystem of plant-life unique to the planet, including the Acutus coral and  Esuri weed, and before you ask, yes, these are both smokable to help you find maximum relaxation. 

    But what if the beach isn’t your dream  destination? Well good news, Drosera also  has a lush jungle made up of the breathing  red Tenax tree. These trees, also native and  unique to Drosera, can grow up to 100 meters tall and have a pleasant, sweet scent that  your cares can stick to and never escape from. 

    If nature as a whole doesn’t do it for you, our main city, Utop, is known for having the best entertainment for adults throughout the entire Plantae system, including gourmet cuisine guaranteed to melt away those impeding thoughts with a single bite. And best of all, despite this being a planet of jungle and plant, there are absolutely no bugs! No bug bites, no itchiness, no having to spend your well-earned vacation money on  pesky anti-itch cremes. So what are you waiting for? Leave your everyday stress behind and come into the warm island embrace of Drosera today.

Colony-Kalaxsia #1

SPOKESBEING:     Looking for a new place to call home? Hoping to see new frontiers of space and make your place among the stars? On the run and need a little-known, little-visited planet to stop at?

    Kalaxsia just might be the spot for you! Our master planned community has everything you need: food, water, shelter, and a Castles n’ Coasters.

    Just like other planets, Kalaxsia is entirely made up of one single biome. Every square inch of Kalaxsia’s surface is covered in blazing hot sexy desert. But don’t let that worry you—this colony’s no mirage! Under the watchful eye of the HOA Panopticon, residents can enjoy all the luxuries of life available in the Outer Galactic Zone, like sunglasses, breathable oxygen, and a stable supply of iron pills.

    If you’re sick of life in the big city, constantly surrounded by the bustle and buzz of humans, humanoids, and huge green things with teeth, Kalaxsia’s not-suspiciously sparse population is exactly what you’re looking for. All 12 of your new friends, neighbors, and HOA Panopticon governing board members are waiting to meet you.

    Visit Kalaxsia today; we know you’ll never leave.