It’s awards season at the Never Rad Miscellany! Join us as we host the Hot Boy Villain Awards, sponsored by Gerwick’s Tight Pants and Tall Collars.

SCENE 0: INTRODUCTION

CONRAD: Hello, everyone! Welcome to our second show here at The Newton at First Draft at Changing Hands, at Phoenix, Arizona. We are so thankful for the opportunity to have another show here and we are super excited to have all of you joining us this evening. My name is Conrad Miszuk and I am the creator of the Never Rad Miscellany. 

I am going to keep this introduction short as I am still recovering from the lingering effects of Space Lung. Space Lung’s a real motherfucker. Do not recommend. By the way, we will be fucking swearing this evening. Sorry you had to find out this way. 

You may have noticed that the show this evening came with a ticket charge of zero dollars, 0 Euros, 0 Gornornian Fringles, and not even a speck of gold pressed latinum. And it’s true, this show is free for you and all of your friends, and everyone on the internet when we get around to editing it. If you would like to contribute to the ongoing production, however, you may choose to go to NeverRad.com/Patreon and support our work.

If you’ve been to one of our shows before, then you know what’s coming. It’s the most important aspect of any introduction to any show ever. Instead of warming up an audience from their tepid state using wit and humor, I’ll be doing what we call Audience Calibration. It’s really easy. Just react as though the thing I say is happening is actually happening. Let’s get started.

Lord Death from the LiveLong Galaxy has made a sudden appearance and eaten a member of the audience!

Wait for audience reaction.

Madeleine Moostar has sponsored the event and will be giving everyone ultra lactose ice cream.

Wait for audience reaction.

You just heard that your team lost Nebulo-vision to Italus 4. 

Wait for audience reaction.

And finally, you’re about to see the greatest live audio drama podcast thingy in the Universe, the Never Rad Miscellany!

The audience loses their goddamn shit.

Let’s begin with the Hot Boy Villain Awards.

SCENE 1: HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART ONE

MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE.

TANGELO: Good evening, everyone and welcome to the 273rd annual Hot Boy Villain Awards. I am your host, Barrister Tangelo. You might know me as the extra from several unreleased independent films, my numerous stand-up appearances in jail, or trying to sell you drugs in the bathroom. 

SFX 1: APPLAUSE.

TANGELO: Thank you, thank you. It is such an honor to be here. When I was invited to host the Hotties this year, I wrote a monologue chock full of spicy jokes to roast the best and brightest—um, broodiest—of the hot boy villain community—our nominees, our guests, the uninvited party crashers who swoop in, draped with swirling auras of menace and body spray. Now that I’m up here watching you all twirl your butterfly knives, I uh—I…can’t quite remember the punchlines. 

Ladies, Gentlemen, Friends, Romulans, Countrymen, lend me your antennae. We are here tonight to honor, to celebrate, to slavishly worship the vilest blackguards on the hot boy villainy scene. We’re here because we can see past the menacing black cloaks, the long, asymmetrically cut dark hair, the careless disregard for human life, the sexy as fuck megalomania. Who among us wouldn’t willingly help commit crimes too dreadful to speak of if called upon by one of these shining stars of beautiful vice?

To those who say, “Why are you romanticizing these literal figurative monsters? What the hell is wrong with you?”, I say: look at them. 

SFX 1: Applause

TANGELO: Which reminds me… our show tonight is brought to you by Gerwick’s Tight Pants and Tall Collars. If it’s tall or tight, it’s Gotta be Gerwick’s. 

So without further delay, I am pleased to announce tonight’s first award category, “Best Brooding.” One of the first categories since the inaugural Hot Boy Villain Awards, Brooding is a classic characteristic of Hot Boy Villainy. Uplifting thoughts like hope and optimism are for dopey hero-types, not Hot Boy Villains. Let’s find out which of our sexy antagonists will take home the first Hottie of the night. Right after these messages. Stay tuned for the 273d Hot Boy Villain Awards!

MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.

SCENE 2A: TAX SEASON #1

MFX 2: Some generic commercial music that resembles, but is legally distinct from, music in similar advertisements.

SPOKESBEING: Life is complicated. Between work, space travel, recreation, and kids–

MARTHA: No, no, no; honey; don’t touch that!

SFX 2: laser noises

MARTHA: [sigh]

SPOKESBEING: You’ve got a lot on your plate. And on top of all that, it’s tax season again. You know what that means: hours of paperwork, endless frustration, and complicated calculations. 

MARTHA: Arrgh! 

SPOKESBEING: It shouldn’t be hard to file your tax return!

But don’t worry—the tax experts at H and Arcturus are here to look after you. If you need help from a professional, we’ve got your dorsal ridge.

We’ve got offices located across the quadrant, and our expert staff is always available to lift the burden of tax season stress off your scales. 

MARTHA: Can I write off my kid’s school uniforms? What about my donations to the Cult of Orgelthrek? Is there a deduction for Dyson sphere maintenance?

TAX BEING: For personal or business use?

SPOKESBEING: There are millions of planets with unique and complicated tax systems in place.

MARTHA: My home is in the Pleiades area, but I work in a subspace pocket dimension. Am I supposed to have a 1095?

TAX BEING: Do not worry. I will assist you.

SPOKESBEING: The efficient and logical accountants at H and Arcturus are here to make sure you don’t miss a single deduction.

TAX BEING: As you can see, you will receive the maximum allowable refund this cycle.

MARTHA: Thank you!

 TAX BEING: There is no reason for gratitude; you are compensating my employer for this service.

 SPOKESBEING: Don’t get lost this tax season. Come to H and Arcturus.

MFX: END MUSIC 

SCENE 2B: Food Court/Spacedonalds #1

SPACEDONALD: Howdy, y’all! I’m SpaceDonald, proud owner of SpaceDonald’s and I believe food should be tasty AND simple. What’s better after a long day of engineering and computerizing than sitting down with a nice warm burger and some Franch fries? Absolutely nothing, and I should know, I make the ding-dang things with my own two hands, like a real Octaspherian. All our ingredients at SpaceDonald’s are collected by yours truly, no questions asked, and cooked to perfection with herbs and spices and shit to fill your belly and remember what it’s like to just relax like in the good ol’ days. 

Bring your family, bring your friends, hell, bring Ol’ Sandy who hangs around Lukewarm Theme trying to remember what it’s like to be young again. We’ve all been there, and the only solution is SpaceDonald’s. We got your HugeDons, your Quadraunits, nuggets of avian nature, a single salad, and all the tasty beverages you can imagine I make in this handy dandy bathtub for beverage purposes. I don’t even use it to get clean! That’s a SpaceDonald promise. Ain’t no one want sweaty space man flavor in their drink, but uh, if you hypothetically did for some reason, you definitely shouldn’t come here and say the codeword MARINADE. 

Ain’t nothing unsavory going on here at SpaceDonald’s, we ain’t that kinda business. We make money the wholesome way like SpaceGod intended: with good hard labor and the goodness space has to offer. And, if you come to SpaceDonald’s today, I’ll throw in a large Spicewater with your order absolutely free of charge. I done made too much in my last batch, but lemme tell you, a little cinnamon and reclaimed beverage goes a long way when you’re feelin’ a hard day at work. It’s takin’ up too much space in my bathtub and is gettin’ past time on its fermentation date, and I got some new stuff to make beverages out of so you’ll really wanna get your fill of Spicewater while it lasts. I don’t wanna acknowledge rumors or anything, but uh, Spicewater may or may not let you see into your previous lives or lives yet to come, but that’ll be our little secret.

SFX 3: A WINK SOUND

SPACEDONALD: So come on down to SpaceDonald’s today, get yourself a burger, and enjoy everything life’s gotta offer. That’s SpaceDonald’s right smackdab in the middle of the Spacedale Fashion Octasphere. It’s that building with the big ol’ neon sign of a possum, you can’t miss it. 

SpaceDonald’s: Why the hell not?

SCENE 2C: AU JUICE

MFX 3: SICK GUITAR.

LEGAL: This commercial is rated Dude-tacular, and is strictly for the manliest of bro-dawgs. Viewing by those less masculine could be dangerous to your health.

THUD: Hi, I’m four-time champion murder fight racer Thud Chackles. You might also know me from my podcast where I invite famous guests on and then punch them in the fucking head. Fellas, do you ever have trouble finding a beverage that gives you that needed boost right when you need it?

GUY: Mango energy? Guava caffeine? Purple stuff? Where are the manly flavors?

THUD: Then it’s time you heard about Au Juice! 

GUY: Whoa, Salami-ade with extra EXTRA taurine? I fucking love salami! THAT MAKES ME FEEL IN CONTROL!

THUD: Au Juice, the number one re-flesh-ing energy drink with awesome protein flavors like Salami-ade, Thanksgiving Turkey, Carnitas Street Taco, Prime Grip, Blood of Your Enemies (made with real blood), Stoked Steak, Rocky Mountain Oh Yeah, Foie Grand Slam, Pastrami on Marbled Cry, and Chicken Pot Fuck you. GET YOU SOME AGUA FLESHCA.

 GUY: Mmmm… I’ve always enjoyed the taste of blood on account of how fucking manly I am, but I always wanted something more. Now I know that something more was carbonation and enough caffeine to keep me up for three days straight. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, BROSKIS.

 THUD: Sleep is for the weak. When I’m giving a thousand percent training for the murder fight races, I need reliable energy that knows who I fucking am. Say my fucking name!

 SFX 4: Can opening.

 THUD: It’s actually pronounced THUD, but that’s close enough.

 SFX 5: Chugging.

 THUD: MMMMMMM. EFFERVESCENT. Let’s hear from some rad fucking dudes that drink Au Juice.

 VLAD: (vampire) My name is Vladimir Dethski, but you might know me better as Vodya-dome. I’m the Kill Dome Galactic champion. When I need energy to put me far and ahead of other competitors, I use Au Juice. It has the familiar taste of blood and violence, and all of the energy I need to rip my opponents in half and curse their pathetic parents for even making them.

 FRANCINE:(sweet) I just don’t like sweet drinks. Always been that way. They hurt my teeth. But I need energy too! Especially when I get a little anemic. (aggressive) AND AU JUICE GETS ME FUCKING AMPED! WASSUP! WASSUP! YOU WANNA GO! IT’S GAME TIME!

 THUD: I AM SO FUCKING AMPED RIGHT NOW. AU JUICE. FUCKING BUY IT! OR I’LLLLLLLLL FUCKINGGGGGGGG KILLLLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!

SCENE 2D: Food Court /Burnt Pizza #1

STUPERFULUX: Hello, probable customer. My name is Stu-PER’few-lux GRAN’tis-more and I want to get something straight right off the bat.  Burnt Pizza Taco’s is the best Asian-Infused Tex Mex Taqueria in the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere. We do not sell pizza.  Our tacos do not contain pizza or burnt pizza.  The Taco shells are not pizza or even burnt pizza. Please stop asking and just eat here. You probably definitely love it.  Just don’t expect Pizza. We have Chipotle Yellowtail Stir Fry Tacos with Bamboo Straw Mushroom Cayenne Demi-Glaze.  We have Nopales Empanadas with Curry Ponzu Dipping wipes.  We even have Plain Taco shells. Just don’t, please, please don’t try to order pizza. It’s just a name. 

Our founder, Burnt Pizza, spent his short life lovingly crafting these recipes and developing a customer service algorithm representing his unique and unassailable personality and he just wanted to bring that to you, embodied in Burnt Pizza Tacos, the Best Asian-Mex, Tex-Infused, Taki-terraria in the Purple tier of the 5th North Western Quadrant of the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere. Is that so much to ask? To honor his appetizing state-of-the-cuisine-arts wishes? Would you go into a Pappa Joe’s Pizza and order a racist billionare? I don’t think so. I think you would come to Burnt Pizza Tacos and order a Pineapple and Tripe Triple Bok Choy Torta with Hot Edamame Water and you would be so satisfied. Because you’re not an idiot, you’re hungry. Just like our founder, Burnt Pizza. He literally starved himself to death inventing these recipes and honing them to perfection so that you personally could taste his love with every bite of your Napa Cabbage and Roast Puffin Street Taco Cups, and with every sip of our new Cilantro Hominy Soy Sweetened Black Tea Horchata.  

So what is it going to be, friendo?  Are you going to spit in his grave and buy something else, and leave me to cry in the walk-in freezer until my eyelashes break off? Again?  Are you going to walk up to my counter and order pizza like a wild asshole, possibly triggering a violent rage that has been growing inside me since the death of my beloved- the beloved founder of this beautiful, sacred place? I don’t know what I’m capable of and I don’t want to find out. And you sure as shit don’t want to find out. You want to stop by Burnt Pizza Tacos, the best Taco-Infused Asian Mex Tex in whatever part of the entire The Spacedale Fashion Octosphere you’re in. I will always love you, Burnt Pizza. I hope the angels enjoy your tacos in heaven.

SCENE 3: HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART TWO

MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.

BARRISTER TANGELO: Welcome back to the 273d Annual Hot Boy Villain Awards, sponsored by Gerwick’s Tight Pants and Tall Collars. Their new line of Puffy Shirts are guaranteed to billow in the wind 25 percent more than other leading brands. Gotta love Gerwick’s! Okay doomers, it’s time to announce this year’s nominees for “Best Brooding.” We’re lucky enough tonight to have some exclusive footage of each of our nominees in the throes of their broodiest sexiness.

MFX 4: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH

TANGELO: Kyuss Von Fangswell

KYUSS: Cursed with eternal beauty, I prey and yet my hunger grows.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

TANGELO: Xavier Darkmoon

XAVIER: If it leads to your destruction, I shall immolate us all.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

TANGELO: Braiden Zorg

BRAIDEN: This is stupid. You are stupid. Everyone is stupid.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

TANGELO: All great villains, but only one can take home this beautiful shiny statuette. Look at this thing. Ow! Hot damn, that’s a sharp hairdo. Literally. Anyway- ow. May I have the envelope please. And a bandage. It’s time to announce this year’s winner of the Hottie for “Best Brooding.” Right after these messages!

SCENE 4B: Food Court/Alfonse #1

MFX 5: A VIOLIN SOLO.

SFX 6: DEEP FRYER

SFX 7: POURING CHAMPAGNE

ALFONSE: The fresh aroma of a fine Cornéd Dog sizzling as the lunching hour approaches. There is nothing finer, nor more exciting to the senses. Hello, I am Alfonse and this is Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dogs, your number one choice for fine mall dining at the Spacedale Fashion Octosphere, and number one on Mall Marty’s lists of Foods So Good I Wish They Would Kill Me. 

A lot of people think that dining in a mall environment can only be crass and cheap. But this is simply not true. At Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dogs, you can have a gastronomical experience worthy of even the finest palates.

SFX 8: A bird screaming.

SFX 6: Deep Fryer.

Our newest addition is a deep fried Ortolan, stuffed with grain and drowned in the smoothest Cornéd Whiskey, covered in a delicious breading to hide the act of eating it from Space God. On a stick.

Always popular is the Undyne Scallop cornéd dog. We take fresh Undyne Scallops, lightly season and fry in a butter sauce. Then we place them on a stick, cover them in corned bread, and dip them in our special blend of frying oils. 

And then there’s always the classic: the Alfonse. It’s a blend of lamb and veal humanely sourced from the bodies of living not-humans and formed into a sausage, covered in cornéd bread, and deep fried to golden, succulent perfection.

Denny from Delaworb writes “Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dog is literally to die for. I sold most of my digestive tract just to be able to taste the succulent morsels.” High praise.

Gray from Grenebula writes, “Snobby, pretentious, rude staff, and the most expensive food in the food court.” 

Yarnell from Y-Polyhedron writes “Cover me in batter and deep fry me, cornéd daddy.” Ooh, behave, Yarnell.

You have a lot of choices for where to eat, but you only have so many moments left of life. Spend your moments in luxury here at Alfonse’s Gourmet Cornéd Dogs. Draft Champagne included with every order. 

Scene 4C: HEISTR

SPOKESPERSON: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, but don’t worry. At Heistr, we don’t believe you need to spend needless cash or worry yourself with getting a date to have a good time. Spend your Capitalist Holiday in the sexiest way possible: heisting. On Heistr, you can set your talent and search for members to round out your party. Are you good at talking your way out of dangerous situations but hopeless with vehicles? Can you disable a security system in under a minute but have never planned for anything in your life? Is this your very first heist and are not sure what your talent is besides being especially small? Heistr will help you gather the perfect team, regardless of your experience, talent, or past history.

Note: Heistr is not responsible for the success or failure of your heist, nor the inter-party romance or sexual tension that may arise during or after the heisting process. Heistr is not a dating app and should not be used as such. We are professionals.

Sign up today and use the referral code LOVEISDEAD to fast track your team search to heist just in time for Valentine’s Day. Again, LOVEISDEAD, all one word, all caps, and we can guarantee you a like-minded team for the perfect Valentine’s Day Heist.

Finding dates is hard. Finding criminal partners is harder. Heistr: Making the world sexier, one heist at a time.

SCENE 4D: Food Court/Fishtopher’s House of Pi

MFX 9: Fancy ass music [underscoring the following]

SPOKESBEING: [posh-ass accent] Looking for a finer class of dining? 

MFX 10: Record scratch

MFX 3: Badass guitar

SPOKESBEING: [Applebees commercial accent] Hell no! If you’ve got no time for highfalutin’ self-important BS, come on down to Fishtopher’s House of Pi for down home, honest, eating: simple nutrients prepared by experts, no cloth napkin required.

FISHTOPHER: I’m Fishtopher [silly noise], creator and chief nutrienteur of Fishtopher’s House of Pi. Here at Fishtopher’s, we’re not stuck up. We don’t care about fancy menus or ornate ingredients or wearing a tie. Fishtopher’s House of Pi is a restaurant of the people, and the House of Pi is honored to announce we’ve been awarded this year’s Splax DiCapricorn Gold Award for Technically Food, presented annually to the fast-casual restaurant that most exemplifies edibility. Here at Fishtopher’s House of Pi we’re devoted to bringing you the most food at the prices. 

So come on down to the Spacedale Fashion Octosphere for a taste of real food for real beings, on the corner of Spacedale Rd. and Acoma, one mile south of Bell Spaceway, open weekdays til 8, Saturdays and Sundays til 5. Now YOU have a friend in the Food Court. Fishtopher’s House of Pi. Edibility is our middle name.

SCENE 5: HOT BOY VILLAIN AWARDS PART THREE

TANGELO: Welcome back to the 273d Annual Hot Boy Villain Awards! It’s finally time to reveal the winner of the Hottie for “Best Brooding.” And the winner is…

SFX 9: DRUMROLL

TANGELO: … Xavier Darkmoon! This is Xavier’s twelfth Hottie and 13th nomination! Wow, congratulations, Xavier. Come on up and say a few words.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

XAVIER: This statue is a meaningless trinket in an existence beyond redemption. A wasted speck of dust serving only to gather more dust as this sick world plunges slowly into the sun. If we share anything in the short remainder of our pitiful lives, it will be a bitter regret for this very moment. Also, I would like to thank my agent and my mom and dad.

TANGELO: Powerful stuff. Thank you Xavier. Be careful with the statue, there. Very sharp, a little bloody. Isn’t he great, folks? So much gravitas, even with hair covering one eye. That’s how you win a Hottie. Up next is my favorite category “Best Smirk, Sneer, or Mocking Laugh.” There’s just something about a playful jerk that gets my warp drive pulsing. This year’s nominees are…

MFX 4: SHORT MUSICAL FLOURISH

TANGELO: Zack Heartgrasp

ZACK: It’s hard to be bad when you look this good, but I’ll manage.

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

TANGELO: Braiden Zorg

BRAIDEN: You’ve tested my patience. Care to test my bed springs?

SFX 1: APPLAUSE

TANGELO: And Raspian Zenith

RASPIAN: Excuuuse me, princess.

TANGELO: Boy, does that one get me going. I am pleased to announce the winner of “Best Smirk, Sneer, or Mocking Laugh,” right after a quick word from our sponsors.

MFX 1: A GRAND MUSIC FLOURISH.