HEISTR

SPOKESPERSON: Valentine’s Day? Again? At Heistr, we don’t believe you need to spend needless cash or worry yourself with getting a date to have a good time. Spend your Capitalist Holiday in the sexiest way possible: heisting. On Heistr, you can set your talent and search for members to round out your party. Are you good at talking your way out of dangerous situations but hopeless with vehicles? Can you disable a security system in under a minute but have never planned for anything in your life? Is this your very first heist and are not sure what your talent is besides being especially small? Heistr will help you gather the perfect team, regardless of your experience, talent, or past history.

Note: Heistr is not responsible for the success or failure of your heist, nor the inter-party romance or sexual tension that may arise during or after the heisting process. Heistr is not a dating app and should not be used as such. We are professionals.

Sign up today and use the referral code LOVEISDEAD to fast track your team search to heist just in time for Valentine’s Day. Again, LOVEISDEAD, all one word, all caps, and we can guarantee you a like-minded team for the perfect Valentine’s Day Heist.

Finding dates is hard. Finding criminal partners is harder. Heistr: Making the world sexier, one heist at a time.

PROBES R US 1
JIMTASTULON:(See Tex Earnhardt) FOX

SFX 1: Glass breaking CRASH

JIMTASTULON: Is YOUR ship getting run down? Not flying like it used to? Leaks and equipment failures right and left? You don’t want to go to some chintzy joint like a SaucerZone or a local neighborhood garage run by just some being. Probes ‘R Us has EVERYTHING you need to keep your rocket, saucer, or shuttle shipshape.

Hi, I’m Jimtastulon Phalaxes, owner and proprietor of Probes R Us. My grandfather Burp started Probes R Us in 2945 with nothing more than a dream and two million credits from his parents. Since then, Probes R Us has grown to be the largest supplier of rocket repair equipment in the outer spiral arm. How? Business sense, family values, severely underpaying our employees, and good old fashioned hard work, admittedly mostly on the part of those employees.

And here at Probes R Us, we keep the family tradition alive by selling honest parts at what we tell you are honest prices. Plus, we’ve got everything you need: control crystals! Roddenberry couplings! Shield generators! Weapons! Plutonium! Salt shakers! Fusion pods! Blinking lights! And of course, we’ve got probes of every shape, size, and vibration capability.

Come on down to Probes ‘R Us today. It’s literally your only option, and that ain’t no lie.