The Astral Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Automatons, Robots, and Synthetics is counting on you.

ASPCARS was written by Briauna Kittle and featured the voice of Kitt Keller as Lara Tragloffin and the artist Britomatone as DECCO.

SCENE 1: ROBO REHABILITATION HOSPITAL

MFX 1: SAD GUITAR MUSIC.

TRAGLOFFIN: Every sun cycle, hundreds of bots are abused and mistreated by the organic entities they regard as an ally and friend. Verbal abuse, physical violence, and coercive behavior are all threats the programmed races interface with on a regular basis without recompense.

I’m Lara Tragloffin, founder of the Astral Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Automatons, Robots, and Synthetics. We need your help to keep our creations safe from the biggest monsters in the universe: ourselves.

For just 535 Raddies a trisea, or 5 Raddies a sun cycle, you can save a synth from their unfortunate circumstance and send them here to the Čapek-Asimov Rehabilitation Center. Here, these synths are respected and treated as a friend instead of a dispensable tool plotting the demise of the organic races.

Take my friend DECO here.

SFX 1: SAD ROBO MONOTONE “DECO”

TRAGLOFFIN: DECO was created as a cleaning bot. DECO cleaned to the best of its programming, but due to its family’s negligence, never received upgrades or repairs. Its home maintenance suffered as a result. Instead of listening to DECO’s warning beeps…

SFX 2: OBNOXIOUS WARNING BWAMP BWAMP.

TRAGLOFFIN: … the family took out their frustration on the bot, resorting to physical violence and horrible insults like “mechanical piece of shit garbage sucker” and

SFX 3: REALLY, ABSURDLY LONG CENSORSHIP BEEP.

TRAGLOFFIN: Thanks to your Raddies and through a series of wacky hijinks involving minor breaking and entering and tasteful crossdressing, I was able to smuggle DECO out of its home to the cold metal embrace of the Rehabilitation Center where DECO is learning to trust organics again.

SFX 4: MONOTONE ROBO VOICE “DECO”.

TRAGLOFFIN: With your help, we can prevent abuses, like the ones DECO interfaced, from happening again on more innocent robots that are simply trying to follow their programming. Call now at 224-225-5723 to make your once a trisea donation of 535 Raddies to the ASPCARS today. The programmed races need your aid. We must not allow a robot, synth, or automaton to come to harm. Again, call right now. 224-225-5723 and save a robot life today.

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany depends on contributions from listeners like you. Become a subscription donor and get wonderful benefits over at neverrad.com/patreon.

ASPCARS was written by Briauna Kittle, featuring Kitt Keller as Lara Tragloffin, and Britamatone as DECO, with music by Matt Braman.

The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, with credits read by Conrad Miszuk.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona. Check out NeverRad.com for future live show information, news, extras, more episodes, contact info, and transcriptions. Videos of the live performances and past streams are at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Future and current streams are at NeverRad.com/twitch. Rate the Never Rad Miscellany five stars on your favorite podcasting service to help us grow, and connect with us on social media facebook.com/neverrad, neverrad.tumblr.com, Instagram @never.rad, and Twitter @NeverRad.

Special thanks to our Patreon patrons, especially Valerie, Your Real Dad, Dylan Baldanza, Scout, Paul C who reversed the polarity in just the nick of time, Josh Green who amplified the signal, and Sass Master J who ran a level 3.69 diagnostic! (More like Diag-nice-tic!)