The self-proclaimed dashing adventurer Space Lord Cesar Salamander has turned his attention to the issue of security. He sets off to procure a weapon befitting a Space Gentleman of his stature—as dangerous as it is sexy—and of course, his valet Q.C. Edgetest must shoulder the burden (literally) of his newest obsession.

A Gentleman About Space is written by Matt Braman, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Salamander, William Crook as QC Edgetest, Briauna Kittle as Det. LaFemme, and Matt Braman as Laser Joe.

Music and sound by Matt Braman.

INTRODUCTION

MFX 1: AGAS THEME – SHORT

SCENE 1: INT. SPACE MEGA-YACHT NARCISSUS

ATM 1: NARCISSUS AMBIENCE

SFX 1.1: CRASHING SOUNDS

Q.C.EDGETEST: Is everything alright, Space Lord Salamander? I heard the emergency shuttle deploy.

SALAMANDER: (SIGH) Yes, Q.C.Edgetest. Everything is fine. I am remote piloting from the bridge.

SFX 2: CRASHING SOUNDS

Q.C.EDGETEST: Sir, might I ask why you are ramming the emergency shuttle into various asteroids?

SFX 3: CRASHING SOUNDS

SALAMANDER: Practice, my mechanical manservant. It is a dangerous galaxy and the Narcissus is woefully under-equipped. One never knows what one might have to do to survive.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Quite so, Sir.

SFX 4: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: The imperative of life, Edgetest. Survive and reproduce. I have rehearsed the latter, but neglected the former.(HICCUP) Show me your tactical systems, Q.C.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Tactical systems, Sir?

SALAMANDER: Yes, armaments. Lasers, rockets, caltrops. What are you packing?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I was appointed as an automated valet, Sir. To attend to your personal wardrobe, dining, and transportation requirements, and to act as your agent in business.

SALAMANDER: So nothing helpful. Did I not download an expansion pack for you?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I have been upgraded to include light cleaning functionality, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Light cleaning indeed. That ash tray has been brimming with mundungus for a fortnight.

Q.C.EDGETEST: My apologies, Lord Salamander. I wished to be respectful, given that the urn bears the remains of your Great Uncle Frenchibald.

SALAMANDER: Q.C.Edgetest Mark 3, You let me extinguish cigars in that urn for weeks, you silicon sociopath. How could you?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I did not wish to criticize your avuncular grieving process, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Alas, Uncle Frenchibald. Another light extinguished.

SFX 5: FIXING A DRINK

SALAMANDER: I can almost remember him. (HICCUP) Inheritance?

Q.C.EDGETEST: He bequeathed to you an ancient ship’s compass. The note says, “To my dearest great nephew Cesar. May this compass help you navigate toward your highest purpose. With love, Great Uncle Frenchibald.”

SALAMANDER: Is it worth anything?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Monetarily speaking, no Sir.

SALAMANDER: Then navigate it out the airlock with Uncle Frenchie’s urn. Check that. Lose the ashes, keep the urn. And order me some cigars.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Regrettably I can not do that, Sir.

SALAMANDER: And just why not?

Q.C.EDGETEST: You finished the last box, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Exactly. Buy some more, you bumbling bread board.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I mean the last extant box of cigars in Space, Sir. The tobacco plant went extinct 4,286 years ago.

SALAMANDER: Can they not be reverse engineered from DNA or some such?

SFX 6: FIXING A DRINK

Q.C.EDGETEST: They could have, Sir, and would have, by the museum from which you obtained them.

SALAMANDER: So do it now. (HICCUP) Surely, genetic engineering can not be that difficult.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Normally true, Sir, but in this case the incineration and inhalation of the biological matter has rendered it unusable.

SALAMANDER: Fine, then. Get me some vaporettes. Fog Hill. Their sweet petrichor shall keeps me switched on. I must be vigilant and prepare to defend myself.

Q.C.EDGETEST: From what, Sir?

SALAMANDER: From whatever threats may lurk about. The untimely demise of my uncle has only reinforced my suspicions of ever-present danger. Did you know violent crime is at record highs throughout Space?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Independently verified statistical data indicate that the opposite is true, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Statistics are just lies composed of numbers, Edgetest, and I refuse to become a statistic. I have worked very hard to build my fortune and that puts me in the cross hairs of every lazy brigand who would rather wave a blaster than get a job.

SFX 7: FIXING A DRINK

Q.C.EDGETEST: Your fortune was inherited, Sir.

SALAMANDER: And the paperwork nearly killed me, you communist cathode. (HICCUP) It makes no difference in a dark alley. What if I am accosted by hoodlums?

Q.C.EDGETEST: You could call the Space Police, Sir.

SALAMANDER: When nanoseconds count, the Space Police are light years away. I am a Gentleman, not a coward. I need the largest blaster available.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Why the largest, Sir?

SALAMANDER: Stopping power, Q.C. One must eliminate any threat quickly and completely to survive.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Sir, does the risk of accidental discharge not outweigh the improbable utility of such a device?

SALAMANDER: Better to have it and not need it, Edgetest. I do not have a giant blaster, ergo I need a giant blaster. I hear M.F.G. Armaments makes a 50 kilo-joule pulse cannon that can vaporize a Zergon Rhino Bear in one shot.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Do you anticipate encountering a Zergon Rhino Bear, Sir?

SALAMANDER: If that is what it takes to quell your pusillanimous protests, I will arrange it. Now set course for the gun mall or whatever and engage.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Aye aye, sir.

MFX 2: STINGER A

SCENE 2: INT. WEAPONS SHOP – DAY

SFX 8: DOOR SLIDE WITH COWBELL JINGLE

ATM 2: SPACE COUNTRY MUSIC

ARMS DEALER: Welcome to Laser Joe’s. What can I do you for?

SALAMANDER: I need a weapon.

ARMS DEALER: Welp, you come to the right place. We got plasma pistols, scatter lasers, alloy cannons, dark matter disruptors, torpedoes of the neutron, photon, and gluon varieties, quantum string shears, temporal distortion grenade launchers, and pepper spray. Now tell me, what do you need to destroy?

SALAMANDER: I need something for self defense. Powerful, yet stylish. As sexy as it is deadly.

ARMS DEALER: Welp, you just might like this piece right here. Looks like a nice marblewood walking cane, right?

SFX 9: WEAPON POWER UP SOUND

ARMS DEALER: Boom. Laser Sabre, built right into the handle. You got a problem? Poke it with that. No more problem.

SALAMANDER: Too personal. I need a ranged weapon.

ARMS DEALER: Welp, try this on for size. It’s a Volt 2911. Classic sidearm. Space Army standard issue since World War Six.

SALAMANDER: Close, but I need more power. Shock and Awe. Do you have the MFG 50 Kilo-joule Pulse Cannon? I saw it on an episode of Disruptor Ranch.

ARMS DEALER: Welp, that particular beauty is not available to the public. Although, I might could make an exception for a man of means such as yourself. That would of course depend on your status as a donor to the Galactic Blaster Association. You can make the holo check out to me.

SALAMANDER: That all seems above board. Here are your credits.

ARMS DEALER: Welp, you’re all set to go. I’ll hang on to this baby here until the waiting period and background check are all squared away.

SALAMANDER: Wait. A waiting period?

ARMS DEALER: Yep. Space Law. Can’t get around it. Excepting, of course, the Blaster Show Loophole.

SALAMANDER: What is the Blaster Show Loophole?

ARMS DEALER: Welp, if I show you this 50 kil under a tent in the parking lot of the Spaceport Ramada, we can skip the red tape and get you that ordnance no questions asked.

SALAMANDER: When is the next Blaster Show?

ARMS DEALER: Welp, how fast can you set up a tent?

MFX 3: STINGER B

SCENE 3: EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

SFX 10: FABRIC STRETCHING SOUNDS

SALAMANDER: Q.C., are you sure this was the biggest tent on the ship?

SFX 11: FABRIC STRETCHING SOUNDS

Q.C.EDGETEST: Quite sure, Space Lord. You downloaded it hoping for an intimate encounter with a Cocobolo Nymph on the Forest Moon of Rodney.

SALAMANDER: Ah, yes. What ever happened with that?

Q.C.EDGETEST: You fell in a patch of Poisonberry Mushrooms, Sir. You were confined to a Bat Milk chamber for 6 days.

SALAMANDER: And not half as cramped as I am currently. It is nuts to butts in here.

ARMS DEALER: I don’t mind.

SALAMANDER: Can we please finish the transaction and extract ourselves from this constrictive chrysalis?

ARMS DEALER: Welp, Here’s your weapon. Part that fits in the tent, anyway. Pleasure doing business with you, Sir. Y’all take care, now, ya hear?

SALAMANDER: Toodle-Pip.

MFX 4: STINGER A

SCENE 4: INT. SPACE MEGA-YACHT NARCISSUS – DAY

ATM 3: NARCISSUS AMBIENCE

SALAMANDER: Finally, Q.C.. A weapon of self defense. Where should I carry it? Hip? Underarm? Waistband?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I do not believe it will fit in any of those locations, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Then where do you suggest I carry it?

SFX 11: FIXING A DRINK

Q.C.EDGETEST: Perhaps a contrabassoon case, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Dash it, Edgetest, I can’t walk around like that. What is a Gentleman without style. (HICCUP) By Jove, I have got it. You carry the pulse cannon. You may leap to my defense, should the need arise.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Even if my chassis were capable of supporting such weight, my ethics protocols prevent me from attacking-

SALAMANDER: Wardrobe, my droid. Did you not say you were responsible for my wardrobe?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I did, Sir.

SALAMANDER: So you must realize your solemn duty to protect my garments includes the possibility of violence.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I suppose so, Sir, but I must point out that I do not have the motor systems for accurate firing.

SALAMANDER: Well then, we shall have to do some target practice.

Q.C.EDGETEST: But Lord Salamander, I would still require-

SALAMANDER: What you will require, Edgetest, If you persist in complaining, is a soldering iron and a jigsaw puzzle enthusiast. Disengage your vocal circuits, you whiny weather vane, and get in the shuttle.

SFX 12: ENGINE POWERING UP

SALAMANDER: It is go time. Set course for the Desert Planet Arahas and hit the vector. I can not wait to blast some cactus. Tally ho, Q.C. BEAT) Q.C., I said Tally ho. (BEAT) Blast it, Q.C.Edgetest, Tally bloody ho. (BEAT) Edgetest, re-engage vocal circuits.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Tally ho, sir.

MFX 4.1: STINGER A

SCENE 5: DESERT PLANET ARAHAS – DAY

SALAMANDER: I say, Q.C., What an elegant contraption. A feat of engineering. A ballistic masterpiece. Hurry along. I want to blast some damn cactus already.

SFX 13: GRINDING NOISE

Q.C.EDGETEST: My propulsion systems are rated for but one third the weight of this firearm, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Then I need you to give 110 percent. My life is on the line.

SFX 14: GRINDING NOISE

Q.C.EDGETEST: Forgive me, Space Lord, but would a security droid not be more practical for this task?

SALAMANDER: Forgiveness denied, Edgetest. A security droid makes me look insecure. A Gentleman must present himself as strong, independent, and self reliant, with a tasteful valet to clothe, feed, and drive him.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Very good, Sir.

SFX 15: GRINDING NOISE

MFX 5: STINGER B

SALAMANDER: Alright, Q.C. Are we locked and loaded?

Q.C.EDGETEST: The weapon is ready to fire, Sir, although the Gorillacorn tape affixing it to my chassis is beginning to melt. I am still unclear as to how I shall aim.

SALAMANDER: You aim with your eyes, Q.C., and with your heart. Pretend that Endangered Pink Branch Cactus next to the Shuttle is threatening me or my garments or whatever. Harness your protective love for me, focus those optical sensors, and fire.

Q.C.EDGETEST: My optical sensors are partially obscured by the tape, Sir. I must point out that the mammalian experience commonly referred to as love originates in the limbic system, not the heart. Also, I have neither. I am not capable of feeling emotions. My utmost apologies.

SALAMANDER: Apologize to the wife and kids of that cactus after you save my life, Edgetest. Pull the trigger. That is an order.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Yes, Space Lord.

SFX 16: LASER DISCHARGE

SFX 17: EXPLOSION

SALAMANDER: Q.C.?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Yes, sir?

SALAMANDER: Where is my Limo Shuttle?

Q.C.EDGETEST: I vaporized it, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Why did you vaporize my Limo Shuttle?

Q.C.EDGETEST: It was unintentional, Space Lord. My stabilizers were unable to accurately operate the weapon.

SALAMANDER: Give me the Blaster, Edgetest.

Q.C.EDGETEST: It is taped to my body, sir.

SALAMANDER: Edgetest, Give me the Blaster.

Q.C.EDGETEST: You seem agitated, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Do I?

Q.C.EDGETEST: You do, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Perhaps I seem agitated because the android whom I employ to arrange for my transportation has just vaporized my 6 trillion credit custom Limo Shuttle and everything in it, leaving me stranded on a desert moon. How will I return home? How will I dress for dinner? How will I drink space cocktails? Sweet Saturn, Q.C., the Mini Bar is destroyed. I shall truly die here.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I have activated a distress beacon, Sir. Hopefully there is someone in range.

SALAMANDER: There has to be. Tell them to bring food and beverages. I’m thinking Super Nachos. And A dirty horchata.

Q.C.EDGETEST: The beacon is a looping preset message requesting emergency aid at our coordinates, Sir. Its compressed data packet allows for maximum transmission range. There are no food delivery options.

SALAMANDER: What a pointless device. Shade me while I think of a solution.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Very good, Sir.

MFX 6: STINGER B

SALAMANDER: I don’t know how much longer I can hold out, Q.C. The days are all running together. How long have we been stranded on this blistering rock?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Twenty minutes, Sir.

SALAMANDER: I’m getting woozy. Do you have any thing to eat?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Here is the small tin of glowfish caviar I keep on hand in case of emergency, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Well struck, Q.C. How about something to wash it down?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Here is the litre of brandy I keep on hand in case of emergency, Sir.

Salamander: I say, old droid. You may redeem yourself yet.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Really, Sir?

SALAMANDER: No, you blundering blue screen of death. You blew up my Limo. Send another distress call.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Yes, Sir.

MFX 7: STINGER A

SALAMANDER: I need more caviar, Q.C.

Q.C.EDGETEST: There is none remaining, Sir.

SALAMANDER: The Brandy, then.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Also out of stock, Sir.

SALAMANDER: So it has come to this. I have read stories like this, Q.C. Disturbing stories. Sometimes survival requires one to do the unthinkable. I am going to have to eat you.

Q.C.EDGETEST: I am regretfully inedible, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Then I will have to crack you open and drink your coolant. Fetch me that rock.

Q.C.EDGETEST: My coolant is is highly toxic, Space Lord. Might I suggest you conserve your energy whilst I continue sending distress calls?

SALAMANDER: Might I suggest you shut up? We are beyond distressed. I lay dying on this dusty griddle, my thoughts awash in all the things I never got to do. I never got to hover ski on the cream cheese glaciers of Delphia 6. I never got to swim with the Sky Dolphins of Genesega. I never got to fifth base with Detective LaFemme. She was the one, Q.C., if ever there was such a thing for me. Put up a Holo-Projection so I can remember her face as I slide into the long sleep of death. Swing low, sweet Thanatos and be gentle as you rip me from this mortal coil.

SFX 17: APPROACHING SIRENS

LAFEMME: (LOUDSPEAKER) This is Detective LaFemme of the Space Police. Stand back and prepare for a rescue landing.

SALAMANDER: I can hear her voice, Q.C. Perhaps but a figment of a fading mind, but at least I shall die with her sweet song in my ears.

SFX 18: SHUTTLE LANDING

Q.C.EDGETEST: Sir-

SALAMANDER: I can almost see her, Q.C. The Projection. It looks so real.

Q.C.EDGETEST: That is not the projection, Sir. Detective LaFemme approaches.

LAFEMME: Hello, Sir? I picked up a distress call from- Oh it’s you. Mister Newt Salad?

SALAMANDER: Salamander. Space Lord Cesar Salamander. Nice to re-meet you. Again.

LAFEMME: Right. Why are you out here?

SALAMANDER: I was shooting cactus. I mean taking pictures of cactus. Because they are endangered. It’s for a conservation group I made up- er, founded, and my valet had a critical malfunction. No way to predict it.

LAFEMME: Why does your valet have a MFG 50 Kilo-joule pulse cannon taped to his head?

SALAMANDER: Protection. From Cactus poachers. That’s why I’m doing the survey. My foundation is trying to save the Pink Branch Cactus from extinction by cactus poachers. Needle stealing bastards. Very dangerous, but that’s the price we pay to save Space’s most vulnerable species. You know we’re not so different, you and I.

LAFEMME: I’ll add this area to Sergeant Bozon’s patrol zone. I’m the only one around right now, so I guess I’ll fly you home. Follow me to the shuttle.

SALAMANDER: (ASIDE) Look at her hindquarters, Q.C. Like two Cloud Boats racing. The body of a goddess. The face of a Queen.

LAFEMME: What did you say?

SALAMANDER: I said this is the hottest place I’ve ever been.

LAFEMME: It’s not chilly.

SALAMANDER: Q.C., I need you to wing-man me on the ride home.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Wing-man, Sir?

SALAMANDER: Quiet, damn you. Wing-man. I need you to talk me up. Tell her how cute and kind and clever I am.

Q.C.EDGETEST: My ethics protocols prevent me from lying, Sir.

SALAMANDER: Edgetest, you bent plug pin, I swear-

LAFEMME: Everything alright, back there? You need some help getting into the shuttle?

SALAMANDER: No, no. Just preparing my droid for space travel. (ASIDE) Don’t force it. Bring up my successes organically.

LAFEMME: Alright, strap in.

SFX 19: SHUTTLE TAKE OFF NOISE

MFX 8: STINGER B

SCENE 6: INT. POLICE SHUTTLE – DAY

ATM 4: SHUTTLE INTERIOR

LAFEMME: So, you said you are trying to save the endangered pink branch cactus?

SALAMANDER: Yes. I feel a deep connection with nature. Breathing the fresh air, the smell of plants, the dirt beneath my feet. It is restorative, don’t you think?

LAFEMME: I’m more of a city girl, myself.

SALAMANDER: Me too. City boy, I mean. City Man. City Gentleman. Nature is how I remind myself why I prefer the urban jungle.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Space Lord Salamander has rotating credit accounts in the red light districts of 17 major cities.

LAFEMME: What?

SALAMANDER: For educational purposes. I provide scholarships to the underprivileged.

LAFEMME: Is that why you were at Lady Upsilon’s Fundraiser Dinner?

SALAMANDER: Lady Who-Psilon’s what now? I mean, probably. I go to a lot of important events. Rub elbows with celebrities and the like.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Space Lord Salamander was once stabbed by space rap icon Microscopic Wayne.

SALAMANDER: No need to bring that up, Edgetest.

LAFEMME: Why did Microscopic Wayne stab you?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Space Lord Salamander found Mr. Wayne’s bag of Pineapple Wormhole and-

SFX 20: POWER DOWN SOUND

SALAMANDER: Oh no. My battery powered buddy is all knackered. All that rescue beacon-ing, I wager. What were we talking about?

LAFEMME: You had Microscopic Wayne’s bag of Pineapple Wormhole, which I assume you know is a form of Super-cannabis, which I also assume you know is illegal.

SALAMANDER: At the Space level, sure, but more and more star systems are are passing medical and even recreational legislation. I think eventually the Space Government will come around to the will of the beings.

LAFEMME: You a big fan of Super-cannabis?

SALAMANDER: Me? No. Of course not. That soporific shrub is for droopy wastrels. The type that drift through life with no direction, expecting other people to provide everything for them. (YAWN) No, I flushed that cursed kale right down the vaporizer chute and that is how I got stabbed by 9-time Holo-grammy award-winning Space rap icon Microscopic Wayne.

LAFEMME: So you destroyed evidence of a crime?

SALAMANDER: In self defense. He was going to force me to vape it. I could have died.

LAFEMME: How? Super-Cannabis can’t be overdosed.

SALAMANDER: (YAWN) Increased appetite from Super-cannabis use can lead to obesity, inactivity and type 6 diabetes. Pineapple Wormhole in particular makes food taste amazing. It creates a mild, tingling euphoria and music becomes transcendent. Or so I hear. Never touched the stuff. I have heard naps about it. I mean raps about it.

LAFEMME: I don’t care much for rap music.

SALAMANDER: Neither do I. Anymore. (YAWN) What kind of music do you like?

LAFEMME: I don’t listen to a lot of music. There is one song, though. It reminds me of my mother. (SHE HUMS “BEAUTIFUL DREAMER”)

SALAMANDER: That’s beautiful. (YAWN) What’s your mother like?

LAFEMME: She was pretty and kind, I think. When I was 6 she was killed by a shuttle pilot staring at his Holopad instead of the sky in front of him.

SALAMANDER: That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.

LAFEMME: That’s Space for you. I became a cop to try and make it better, but for every creep I put behind a force-field, a billion more appear. I’m on the clock 25/8.

SALAMANDER: That sounds lonely. Who do you date- How do you date- how do you find time for relationships of a romantic nature?

LAFEMME: I usually end up hooking up with someone random I meet out and about. It’s always just physical, though. So much sex but no commitment.

SALAMANDER: Go on.

LAFEMME: I don’t have time for a girlfriend or boyfriend. They would deserve more than just constant primal fornication.

SALAMANDER: So you’re bisexual?

LAFEMME: Trisexual. I don’t like to put limits on love. I have so much to give and it’s been so long. You know, I feel like you and I are really connecting.

SALAMANDER: I feel that, too.

LAFEMME: Ready your airlock. I want to start docking.

SALAMANDER: Um, not sure I understand the metaphor but it sounds hot. What should I do?

LAFEMME: I want you to get off.

SALAMANDER: Already? I mean, we just started.

LAFEMME: Get off. Salamander, wake up. I need you to get off of my shuttle.

SALAMANDER: Wait. What?

LAFEMME: You fell asleep. And it looks like you drooled on my dash board. What were you dreaming about? You said my name and then-

SFX 21: POWER UP SOUND

Q.C.EDGETEST: -vaped all of it in one sitting.

SALAMANDER: Hey, look at that. Q.C. Is back in action. Talking about the desert, right? When you vaporized the shuttle? Right, old chum?

Q.C.EDGETEST: It appears I did not shut down properly. Would you like me to start in safe mode?

SALAMANDER: Start as normal, my droid. We have reached the Narcissus and are docking now.

LAFEMME: I have to go now. You two stay out of trouble.

SALAMANDER: (SIMULTANEOUS) Yes, Space Detective LaFemme.

Q.C.EDGETEST: (SIMULTANEOUS) Yes, Space Detective LaFemme.

SXF 22: ENGINE TAKE OFF SOUND

SCENE 7: INT. SPACE MEGA-YACHT NARCISSUS

ATM 5: NARCISSUS AMBIENCE

SALAMANDER: There she goes, Q.C. The next Mrs. Space Lord Cesar Salamander. Did you see that? How she was all over me?

SFX 23: FIXING A DRINK

Q.C.EDGETEST: I could not say, Sir. I was offline for five point eight cycles. I have yet to ascertain the cause of my shut down.

SALAMANDER: Pay it no RAM, Q.C. (HICCUP) She loves me and that is all that matters. Now to rinse off this dusty patina and plan my next move. Warm up the Shower Dome.

Q.C.EDGETEST: The Shower Dome is occupied, Sir.

SALAMANDER: By whom?

Q.C.EDGETEST: Your crop of Cannibunculus Superlativa, Sir. (BEAT) Also known as Pineapple Wormhole.

SALAMANDER: Ah, yes. I was just thinking about that heady hedge. Twist me up a jazz vaporette.

Q.C.EDGETEST: What of vigilance, Sir? Of self defense?

SALAMANDER: The only defense I need is out there, Q.C.. As vigilant as the rotation is long, and twice as pulchritudinous.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Very good, Sir. Off I go.

SALAMANDER: One more thing, Q.C.

Q.C.EDGETEST: Yes, Lord Salamander?

SALAMANDER: Where is the emergency shuttle?

SFX 24: CRASHING SOUND

THE END

CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk.

A Gentleman About Space is written by Matt Braman with sound and music by Matt Braman. Space Lord Caesar Salamander is played by Conrad Miszuk. Q.C. Edgetest is played by William Crook. The Arms Dealer is played by Matt Braman. Detective Saoirse LaFemme is played by Briauna Kittle.

This episode was edited by Conrad Miszuk.

This episode was edited by Cody Hazelle.

This episode was edited by Matt Braman.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona, and usually performed live. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Visit NeverRad.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along. You can find the live videos of the episodes at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon. Please send any questions or comments to info@neverrad.com. If you are a Miscellanist working in the field you may call and leave us a report of your strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723. If you’re a local Phoenix, Arizona writer or voice actor, visit neverrad.com to apply to join us. If you like the Never Rad Miscellany, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/neverrad), Tumblr (neverrad.tumblr.com), Instagram (@never.rad) and Twitter (@NeverRad).

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