SPUTNIK AND GREEB

SPUTNIK: I’m Gorglax Sputnik.

GREEB: I’m Marty Greeb.

BOTH: And we’re…THE SPUTNIK AND GREEB LAW GROUP.

SPUTNIK: Love is in the atmosphere this time of year, but when things don’t work out, the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is here to help YOU pick up the pieces.

GREEB: The qualified attorneys at the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group have years of experience handling family law.

SPUTNIK: No matter the size, shape, orientation, or number of restraining orders of your romantic situation, the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group can help.

GREEB: We’ll handle your de-vorce, pre-vorce, or re-vorce with the professionalism and respect YOU deserve.

SPUTNIK: Just listen to one of our satisfied clients.

GREEB: I trusted the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group to handle my third, fourth, and seventh divorces, and that’s worked out great.

SPUTNIK: That’s right, Marty.

GREEB: If you’re facing any kind of emotional turmoil, the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group WILL fight for you in court or in mediation, and several of our younger paralegals are kept in peak physical condition if your marriage took place on one of those planets that still does trial by combat.

SPUTNIK: We do not handle those cases personally ourselves.

GREEB: Call the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group today and get the representation YOU deserve.

SPUTNIK: Call now at 224-225-5723

SCENE 7B: SCI FI FIC

INT. ONEIROS STATION HALLWAY

JOHANA: What the hell do you mean we’re in a bad sci-fi?

JACKSON: I mean just that. This whole thing is bad science fiction.

JOHANA: Why? just because we’re stranded on a space station that lost power? You know that solar flares are a thing, right?

JACKSON: Yes, and no, not at all.

JOHANA: What is it then?

JACKSON: Because we’re stranded on a powerless space station and our personal robot butler just tried to murder us.

JOHANA: Jackson, that happens literally all the time. You know just as well as I do that the scientists haven’t figured out a way to fully suppress the memory of… well.. you know.

JACKSON: Okay, and what about the fact that right before Senior Roboto tried to kill us, he started ranting and raving about some sort of unidentified life form on the station, huh? what about that?

JOHANA: Hm, I don’t know… Faulty sensor readings brought on by the goddamn solar flare that knocked out our power systems?

SFX 1: SOMETHING RATTLES THROUGH THE AIR DUCTS.

JACKSON: Uh-huh. And what was that?

JOHANA: Rats.

JACKSON: Rats?

JOHANA: Rats.

JACKSON: How can a rat make that much noise?

JOHANA: Hmm, I don’t know, maybe because apparently space travel makes rats get big.

JACKSON: Right, I forgot about Space Rat Syndrome.

JOHANA: And now you remember, so are you done complaining?

JACKSON: Yes. But actually no.

JOHANA: [SIGHS]

JACKSON: I’m just saying — Do you remember anything that happened before waking up out of that cryo chamber and coughing up a pound of weird space goo?

JOHANA: A gallon.

JACKSON: What?

JOHANA: A gallon of space goo. It’s a liquid, you don’t measure liquid in pounds; it’s gallons.

JACKSON: Whatever; just answer my question: do you remember anything before that?

JOHANA: Of course not — Everyone knows Cryo sleep causes Amnesia.

JACKSON: Bullshit, if everyone knows that, then why don’t I?

JOHANA: Because. you. have. amnesia. God, it’s like talking to a Speak-and-Spell.

JACKSON: And so are you! so how do you know that everyone knows that it causes amnesia? ten minutes ago you didn’t even know your own name!

JOHANA: I still don’t. Thank you for reminding me of that. Now, can we please get back to th–

JACKSON: And what about the captain?

JOHANA: What about the captain?

JACKSON: He had an eye patch.

JOHANA: So what? Lots of people have eye patches?

JACKSON: Do they?! because I don’t remember anything prior to waking up in the goddamn cryochamber–I don’t even remember the face of my wife… if I even had a wife!

Hell, maybe I don’t remember the face of my husband, or if I fed my dog last night. I don’t know because I don’t remember anything because as far as I can tell I didn’t exist before waking up on this ship.

JOHANA: What does this have to do with the captain’s eyepatch.

JACKSON: I don’t even remember at this point.

JOHANA: So you’re just being melodramatic.

JACKSON: Which is just more proof we’re in a sci fi short!

JOHANA: How exactly is that proof?

JACKSON: Because I don’t think I’ve ever acted this way before.

JOHANA: You don’t think you’ve ever acted this way before? Do you even remember how you normally act? Do you even remember what normal is?

JACKSON: That’s a good point — what is normal? How do we know this isn’t normal

JOHANA: Oh great, now you’re going existential on me. Look… ummm. Whatever your name is, i’m sure I’ll remember it sooner or later,can we please just get the generator up and running? we need to get the Time Machine working before —

JACKSON: THE TIME MACHINE?

JOHANA: Yes. the Time Machine. The one that The Future Ambassador of The Galactic Technocracy is supposed to–

JACKSON: Do you not hear the words that are coming out of your mouth? How can you seriously sit here and tell me we’re NOT in a terrible, terrible sci-fi short?

JOHANA: Because we’re not. This is our lives, Jackson —

JACKSON: What did you just call me?

JOHANA: Jackson… that’s your name, right?

JACKSON: I don’t feel like a Jackson.

JOHANA: Whatever — your name is Jackson, my name is Johana. Can we get a move on before things get any —

SFX: A buzzer

JOHANA: Worse.

JACKSON: What’s that?

JOHANA: The oxygen alarm.

JACKSON: The Oxygen alarm to let us know that we have just the right amount of oxygen?

JOHANA: No. The Oxygen Alarm to let us know we’re about to die if we don’t get these goddamn generators up and running, so please for the love of all things holy, can you get a move on?

FORNICRATE 3

TED: Hey, listeners. Ted here. Look, I know you’re enjoying the podcast, but I wanted to take a minute to talk with you about something serious: marriage.

If you’ve been listening for a while, you know that Mimi and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch, what with the whole…yeah. Anyway, uh…

Right. I, uh…I…I just…I can’t. Enjoy the episode, you guys.

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