The long-running space soap opera returns with romantic entanglements, mysterious strangers, and step-twins.

SCENE 6A: DUMB HEART 3

VIOLET: Ryan

CORMELIA: Kitt

SMYTHE: Briauna

CAPT AHMAYAD: Matt

STAGE DIRECTIONS: Conrad

VIOLET:    That was amazing, Cormelia. I wasn’t sure two… science officers could even do that… like that.

CORMELIA:    Science officers have been doing it like that for millennia. 

VIOLET:    I thought they were just… science officers. 

CORMELIA:    Science can get quite heated, especially when your heart, loins, lips, and eyes are all stupid, while your science brain is very smart. 

VIOLET:    Cormelia, I know this might be a bit premature, but I think I love you.

CORMELIA:    I love you too, Violet. But you see, my heart is very stupid, and it is prone to loving stupidly.

VIOLET:    Please tell me we can make this work.

CORMELIA:    I don’t know if I can do that. I need to think. Wait a second. A-ha!

VIOLET:    Yes? Have you found a way to love me?

CORMELIA:    No. But I have discovered the secret of the crystal.

VIOLET:    Yes? 

CORMELIA:    It’s backwards. If I just turn it around…

SFX 1:     System powering up.

VIOLET:    Amazing. Your science brain is truly unmatched. 

CORMELIA:    And I’m hot also.

VIOLET:     Me too. Now, we were just discussing something.

CORMELIA:    Violet, I love you, but my love is very, very dumb. I need some time to think.

VIOLET:    Take your time, my love. I will be waiting for you. 

MFX:    Transition cue

INT. SMYTHE JAHN’S QUARTERS

SMYTHE:    Cormelia, I, Smythe Jahn, ordinary-but-extraordinarily-handsome-charming actual human thoroughly enjoyed this. 

CORMELIA:    It was fantastic, wasn’t it?

SMYTHE:    What you did for my ordinary human appendages was amazing.

CORMELIA:    I wouldn’t call them ordinary, Smythe. Now, tell me, are they as dumb as mine?

SMYTHE:    They’re perfectly normal and human.

CORMELIA:    I have feelings for you, Smythe. I think I love you, but you see, my heart is very dumb.

SMYTHE:    My heart is a perfectly normal human heart with four ventricles and everything.

CORMELIA:    It could never work, then. I must go.

SMYTHE:    Wait, Cormelia… I… Love? You?

CORMELIA:    I love you too, Smythe. That’s the problem. I must go.

MFX:    Transition cue

INT. BRIDGE

AHMAYAD:    Cormelia, it’s always a pleasure to have you on the bridge. I think the entire bridge crew, as well as the chief engineer, chief medical officer, the chief medical officer’s adult son, and the Frorcan Trade delegation that we’re hosting agree with me.

CORMELIA:    Yes, Captain Ahmayad. The truth is, I think I love all of you. My heart is so very very dumb. I can’t stand it. I must go.

AHMAYAD:    Wait, Cormelia. Don’t go. We all love you as well. We can make this work. Even the Frorcan trade delegation. 

CORMELIA:    I need to think!

SCENE 6B: SECRET IDENTITY Pt. 3

Violet: Ryan

Smythe: Briauna

VIOLET:     Smythe Jahn, I… what are you doing here outside Cormelia’s quarters? 

SMYTHE:     Looking for you, Violet. I left the ship to think things over. I was definitely wearing protective gear because my fragile human body could not survive the reaches of space on its own. That would be… silly. I still love you, Violet, no matter who you are. Because I must confess, I have also been lying about my identity. 

VIOLET:     Oh Smythe, I wish to science you hadn’t found me like this, my hair a mess, my sexy scientist make-up smeared, wearing a labcoat that is too big for me solely to advertise my physical misdeeds. 

SMYTHE:     I thought this was a new human fashion. Is it not that? 

VIOLET:     I have been unfaithful to you, Smythe. With… Cormelia Synz. 

SFX 7:     DRAMATIC STING. 

SMYTHE:     I’d be more surprised if you hadn’t slept with her.

VIOLET:     Why are you looking at me like that? I can see the shame in your eyes. You hate me, don’t you? 

SMYTHE:     This is just my normal handsome human face. These are just my normal handsome human eyeballs. What you are experiencing is the Kuleshov Effect. Violet, please, let me speak. 

VIOLET:     No Smythe, you need not tell me anything; you, who are so free from burdens and secrets. I know you never want to see me again. That is why… I’m going to see Dr. Brantix about an experimental procedure. To forget about you, Smythe, and how I loved you and how I wronged you. Please, let me do this. For us. 

SMYTHE:     Violet! 

SFX 8:     A KISSING SOUND. 

SMYTHE:     I love you. Nothing you do or say will stop me loving you. No matter how many experimental procedures or unscientific run-ins with Cormelia Synz you have, nor how many eyes or extremities I may or may not have, I love you and only, you Violet Olivet of Acacia. 

VIOLET:     But why? How? 

SMYTHE:     I am not human.

VIOLET:     Yes, you are not beholden to base human desire. You are much too good for that. 

SMYTHE:     No, I mean I’m a monster. 

VIOLET:     You don’t need to speak of yourself that way to make me feel better. 

SMYTHE:     No, I am literally an immortal space being. 

VIOLET:     Yes, immortalized in my brain and heart forever. Until I go through with this experimental procedure. Goodbye, Smythe Jahn. 

SMYTHE:     Violet, wait! 

SFX 8:     TRANSITION NOISE.

SCENE 6C: AMNESIA PT. 3

RED:    [out of breath] Doctor!

BRANTIX:    Lieutenant MacGoughin. What seems to be the problem?

RED:    I…I’m not sure—-wait! [reading] I must have gotten a nasty blow to the head on that away mission and I’m lucky to be alive.

BRANTIX:    Ah, that’s right; you’re the one with amnesia.

RED:    I am?

BRANTIX:    If you’re going to be cute about it, you can get the hell out of my medical bay.

RED:    Sorry Doctor.

BRANTIX:    Anyway, I have some good news for you, Lieutenant.

RED:    You do?

BRANTIX:    I do indeed. Hop on up here.

RED:    All right. What is it, Doctor? Tell me.

MFX 8:    Dramatic cue

RED:    I can handle it. I can be… brave. 

BRANTIX:    What would you need to be brave about? I said I had good news. You’re going to be fine, Lieutenant.

RED:    I…I…I don’t understand.

BRANTIX:    You’re suffering from transient global amnesia.

RED:    Is that what you called it the first time?

BRANTIX:    Yes. You’re suffering from transient global amnesia. It’s temporary. Most episodes don’t last any longer than 24 galactic standard hours. You got knocked over the head on that away mission this morning—

RED:    I did?

BRANTIX:    —so you should be starship-shape and back to normal by midday tomorrow at the latest. 

RED:    Doctor, I…I don’t know what to say.

MFX 9:    Dramatic cue

RED:    Is there anything you can do?

BRANTIX:    What? Did you hear what I just said, it’s going to wear off?

RED:    Yes, yes, I know, but Doctor, please! I can’t live like this! I can’t take it anymore! There must be something you can do!

BRANTIX:    Well, I suppose…

RED:    There must be some kind of… experimental treatment!

BRANTIX:    [sighs, this happens all the fucking time. Goddamn lieutenants] Unfortunately…

RED:    No! Don’t tell me it’s hopeless!

BRANTIX:    No, I was going to say that unfortunately, there is a new experimental procedure for temporary amnesia and Space HIPAA requires me to tell patients about all possible treatment avenues no matter how dangerous or stupid. 

RED:    Tell me, Doctor, tell me!

BRANTIX:    There’s an experimental procedure that could cancel out the amnesia effect you experienced this morning on the away mission. Good on you for surviving, by the way. We haven’t gotten anyone back but the bridge crew in months. Staff turnover is out of bloody control.

RED:    That means a lot coming from you, Doctor. 

BRANTIX:    Anyway, the procedure is extremely dangerous and trials have shown a limited possibility of success, but—

RED:    I’ll do it, Doctor. 

BRANTIX:    Are you sure?

RED:    I can’t take living like this anymore! Wandering from hall to hall, not knowing who I am or where I am or who anyone else is or where the bathrooms are! I’ll do anything, do you hear me?

MFX 9:    Dramatic cue

RED:    Anything!

BRANTIX:    All right then. If you’ll just sign here releasing the ship from all liability and then here saying you consent to unproven and probably hazardous medical guessery, and then here again for the NDA.

RED:    Yes! Of course!

BRANTIX:    Then we can go ahead and get started. 

SFX 5:    chainsaw

MFX 10:    Transition cue

SCENE 6D: SCENE THE END

VIOLET:    Dr. Brantix, I need you to experiment on me.

BRANTIX:    Uh, I’m a little full-up right now.

GORSHT (Y):    Get in the machine, Zelani! It’s for the greater good!

GORSHT (Z):    Well I’m the worser evil according to somebody!

VIOLET:    Please Doctor… I need to forget.

BRANTIX:    Oh? Is that all? Have you thought about joining an away mission?

VIOLET:    I don’t understand.

BRANTIX:    Never mind. Like I said, we’re kind of full up here at the moment, let me check the beds…there’s no room left in the ensign ward, in here we’ve got the step-twins, an amnesia, a couple of minor burns from Engineering, one of the Frorcan ambassadors who’s broken their–Ah! Over here. Step right into this machine. 

VIOLET:    Thank you. I trust you, Doctor. 

BRANTIX:    Sure.

SFX:    A hiss and a clank as Brantix opens the door of the machine. It’s a very science machine, full of medicine.

SMYTHE:    You don’t have to do this Olivet!

GORSHT (Z):    Olivet? Olivet Stronglove, Princess of Acacia?

VIOLET:    Fredrinz Hámbiolard, my long-lost love?

GORSHT (Y):    Get in there!

SFX 9:    A METAL DOOR SLAMS CLOSED.

SMYTHE:    Olivet! No!

BRANTIX:    And now, as required by company regulations, a dramatic button press.

SFX 10:    A BEEP. THEN, ZAPPING OF ELECTRICITY AND YELLING FROM BASICALLY EVERYBODY.

CORMELIA:    Dr. Brantix! I need your help!

BRANTIX:     What is it? Who’s hurt? What’d the captain do this time? Oh, Cormelia. It was nice to see you on the bridge fifteen minutes ago.

CORMELIA:    Yes, Doctor Brantix. It was nice to see you there as well. I’m honestly not sure how you beat me to medical bay when I left first.

BRANTIX:    Shortcuts.

CORMELIA:    You’re not a twin, are you?

BRANTIX:    No.

CORMELIA:    Not even a step-twin?

BRANTIX:    Just the one of me. Now, what brings you into my humble practice?

CORMELIA:    Could you be a clone?

BRANTIX:    NO. Why are you here, Cormelia? What’s wrong?

CORMELIA:     It’s my heart, and my loins. They’re so very stupid.

BRANTIX:    First of all, don’t say “loins”; that’s disgusting. 

CORMELIA:    My sexual organs, then. 

BRANTIX:    That’s not better.

CORMELIA:    They are so very, very, very dumb. 

BRANTIX:    What exactly do you want me to do?

CORMELIA:    And I want you to fix them.

BRANTIX:    Come again?

CORMELIA:    Use an experimental treatment if you have to.

BRANTIX:    What is wrong with you people?

CORMELIA:    Just fix me doctor. I love… too much.

BRANTIX:    I’m not sure there’s a cure for that, unfortunately. I’m a doctor, not a psychologist.

CORMELIA:    Psychologists are doctors.

BRANTIX:    Sure. Anyway ethics guidelines prevent me from acting in this one specific instance only. I cannot cure a broken, or even a stupid heart. Or the common cold. Those two things. Can’t cure ‘em.

CORMELIA:    What about drugs?

BRANTIX:    Oh, yeah. Got loads of those.

CORMELIA:    Oh, I don’t know, doctor.

BRANTIX:    Just give me a second to look at all my drugs.

RED:    Ohhhh, my head!

BRANTIX:    No, Red, the captain’s not here. Can you hear me?

RED:    Doctor? I…what happened?

BRANTIX:    You’re just coming out of experimental surgery. You had an experimental procedure against medical advice to put an end to your temporary amnesia.

RED:    That’s right…I…remember. I remember! I remember! Doctor, I remember!

BRANTIX:    Whoa-ho-ho, this is a hug-free medical bay, Lieutenant. 

RED:    Sorry, Dr. Brantix. Dr. Brantix! I remember your name! I remember your face. Your beautiful face…

BRANTIX:    I thought we promised never to talk about that again, Lieutenant.

RED:    Of course. I just got…caught up in the memory.

BRANTIX:    It was a good memory, I hope.

RED:    The best.

[beat]

RED:    Almost as good as the time I was voted sexiest spacebeing alive by Beings Magazine.

BRANTIX:    What?

CORMELIA:    Wow, me too.

RED:    You remember…It was just after I’d published my thesis on crystalol—

CORMELIA:    Oh wow, me too!

RED:    I remember everything! Doctor, thank you, thank you. I’ll never forget this. Ha! Never forget this, get it? I’m going…to my quarters. On Deck 13 in the third corridor from the left coming from the main bank of  turbolifts!

CORMELIA:    That is not where I live. 

BRANTIX:    I’ll see you around, lieutenant.

RED:     See you around…Doc.

SMYTHE:    Hello, fellow human crewmate. It is I, Smythe Jahn. I’m… new.

RED:    Smythe! It’s so good to see you!

SMYTHE:    We do not know one another, fellow human. 

RED:    Of course we do! We were just talking about how I have been lying about my identity for years.

SMYTHE:    But that conversation was not with you, human of the fellow variety.

RED:    Of course it was! Don’t you remember? It was right before I agreed to perform an experimental procedure on the step-twins to turn them into real twins!

BRANTIX:    Wait, what?

RED:    My step-twin and I are desperate! 

BRANTIX:    Oh no.

RED:    What is it?

BRANTIX:    Lieutenant, we have to get you back on the operating table right away.

RED:    What’s happening? Lieutenant, we have to get you back on the operating table right away!

BRANTIX:    Smythe, quickly, help me get them on the table.

SMYTHE:    Yes, of course, I want only to be of assistance. 

CORMELIA:    What’s happening? I don’t understand!

BRANTIX:    The procedure worked too well! Open your eyes, people! Lt. MacGoughin has…

MFX ?:    Dramatic cue

BRANTIX:    Reverse amnesia!

ALL:    What?!

CORMELIA:    What does it mean, Doctor?

BRANTIX:    The lieutenant’s mind isn’t just remembering its own memories—it’s soaking up memories from everyone else!

CORMELIA:    I don’t understand. Perhaps this has to do with my still stupid heart.

SMYTHE:    Getting other normal human crewmates’ memories? Uh oh.

RED:    What’s happening? Smythe–I trust you more than anyone! Please tell me what’s going—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

CORMELIA:    Now what?

SMYTHE:    It is definitely nothing to do with the normal human memories I contain!

BRANTIX:    Quickly, Smythe, quickly! Help me!

SMYTHE:    Yes, I can help you, human doctor friend. We can display the lieutenant here in your magnetic imaging chamber!

CORMELIA:    What’s happening?

BRANTIX:    Oh, no, we’re too late. The lieutenant’s brain is absorbing all the memories around it. Before long, everyone on the ship except Lt. MacGoughin will be deep in the throes of…

MFX ?:    Dramatic cue

BRANTIX:    S-s-something. I-I—I…can’t…quite…remember…

SFX 11:    DEPRESSURIZATION. METAL DOORS SLIDE OPEN.

SMYTHE:    Violet! Are you okay?

VIOLET:    I think so. Who… who are you?

GORSHT:    Ugh, what happened?

CORMELIA:    Oh, now which one are you? My eyes are too dumb to know. 

GORSHT:    Not Yelani or Zelani… We… are… Gorsht.

CORMELIA:    I see.

GORSHT:    Do you think you can love us like this?

CORMELIA:    Yes, I can, but that’s part of the problem. I’ve been terribly unfaithful, Yzelani (yuh-zelani).

GORSHT:    We don’t care.

CORMELIA:    I have an announcement. I…I think I’m in love with everyone. I’m in love with the whole ship!

SFX 2:     Chime.

LOUDSPEAKER VOICE:    This is just a gentle, unprompted reminder for all of our crew members that the USSSSSS Icarus is not sentient. It is maintained intentionally at a C Level of Artificial Intelligence so as to avoid any issues. The ship is therefore not conspiring against you, and anyone experiencing any thoughts of this nature should be directed to the nearest medical officer for a space madness screening.

SFX 3:     Chime.

GORSHT:    The whole ship?

CORMELIA:    Yes. And all of the people on it.

SFX 2.5:    DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!

GORSHT:    Oh no!

BRANTIX:    And it looks like…you’re pregnant.

SFX __:    EVERYONE ON SHIP GASPS.

EVERYONE:    OH NO!

SFX 3:    DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN!

NARRATOR:    Next time on Between–

SFX 4:    Footsteps.

BRANTIX:    Oh, hey. I’m another Brantix. Turns out we are twins. We communicate telepathically. I’m the one who had sex with Cormelia.

SFX 5:    DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!

NARRATOR:    What will happen to Smythe and Violet’s relationship now that she’s forgotten everything? Will Cormelia be able to reconcile her love towards literally everyone, and possibly everything? What about that baby? What did Red see in Smythe’s memories? Find out next time on… Between the Decks.

CORMELIA:    Hi, I’m Camelia DeLoost. I play Cormelia Synz on Between the Decks and I was Miss Titan six nonconsecutive times. We covered a lot of serious material on today’s episode of Between the Decks. These issues touch many, many people’s lives. If you think you’re suffering from Step-Twin Syndrome, reverse amnesia, being a secret princess, or a love affair with an entire spaceship and its crew, talk to someone you love. Let them know. They want the best for you. Probably not someone on that particular spaceship you’re into. For objectivity’s sake. Thanks for watching.