Protect your planet from pests with TerraMinex. Before you buy a new mech, make sure you know what you’re getting into with Star Fax. Sentient trees. Bumbling space settlers. Magic in the air.

SCENE 5A: SPACE EXTERMINATORS

MFX 1:    An action-horror movie-ish ominous underscore

SPOKESBEING:     They’re coming…    

SFX 1:    Creepy crawly noises slowly getting louder. Like a stampede of fuckin’ cockroaches.

SPOKESBEING:     Thousands of them. You can’t ignore them. You can’t stop them. You can’t reason with them. They will keep coming. 

SFX 2:    The stampede is getting very close now. 

SPOKESBEING:    Humans. 

SFX 3:    Thunder

SPOKESBEING:    Humans are highly social creatures; by the time you’ve seen one, there are already hundreds of them ready to call your planet theirs. There’s a reason they’re called the most dangerous game.

    Even a single human nest can grow exponentially; as humans breed, the population spreads throughout surrounding biomes leaving devastation in its wake. 

    Human infestations attack 1 in 30 planetary bodies, costing billions of credits in damage and causing untold environmental harm. 

SFX 3:    A bang, like a giant sledgehammer hitting metal.

    That’s why there’s TerraMinex. TerraMinex’s patented human-control measures stop humans in their tracks—before they overwhelm your planet. TerraMinex provides guaranteed protection from humans, and eradication of any colonies that have taken up residence on your planet’s surface, moon, or orbiting satellites. 

The damage that human infestation can cause cannot be overstated. As the galaxy’s number one provider of pest control services, TerraMinex protects your planet against the insidious little fucks before they have the chance to destroy your civilization, environment, and biodiversity.

    TerraMinex is fully licensed and bonded by the Intergalactic Pest Management Association. 

    Call 1-800-STOP-‘EM today to schedule a free human inspection, and stop the plague before it starts.

MFX 2:     End dramatic music

SCENE 5B: STARFAX

SPACENOID 1:    Hey, I’m here about the mech?

SPACENOID 2:    Oh, yeah yeah yeah, the Links Mk Beta. I got it over here.

SPACENOID 1:    Wow, this is in gorgeous condition! How much you want for it?

SPACENOID 2:    Uh… let’s say… 200 credits?

SPACENOID 1:    Only 200? What a steal! 

SFX:    SHIMMERY SWOOSHY SOUND OF ARRIVAL!

COMET:    Now hold on one spaceminute!

SPACENOID 1:    Woah! It’s Comet, the StarFax mascot!

SPACENOID 2:    Again? Give me a break!

COMET:    Don’t you want to know why this mech is only 200 credits?

SPACENOID 2:    They really don’t.

SPACENOID 1:    Now that you mention it…

COMET:    Looks like the previous pilot was a young, definitely underage teen.

SPACENOID 2:    Oh come on, do you know how hard it is to find a mech piloted by someone over the age of 20? There’s like… two.

COMET:    And the Links MK Beta only reaches its full power when its pilot experiences a traumatic event. In this case, they had to watch their parents die in the cold vacuum of space to summon up enough energy to destroy a small asteroid cluster on-track to destroy the planet Garatzo.

SPACENOID 2:    There were like 200 asteroids in that cluster and it destroyed 130 of them before having to power up, that’s pretty impressive.

COMET:    And the Super Destructo Hyper Laser Sword attachment was lost in the Geometry Wars of 20,015.

SPACENOID 1:    But the ad said the Super Destructo Hyper Laser Sword was included and functional.

SPACENOID 2:    … Okay, so there’s no laser sword, but it’s fast!

COMET:    All mechs are fast. You can do better.

    At StarFax, we keep a record of the past histories of every single mech in this dimension and the next to get you the best bang for your buck. We track average pilot age, battle history, weaponry, lovable robot co-pilot compatibility, thoroughness of the flight manual, and the specific nitty-gritty traumas of the mech’s previous pilots.As we all know, the spirits of the previous pilots love to linger and will visit you at every inopportune chance they get.

    So. What do you say?

SPACENOID 1:    No thank you, mecha seller. Thanks, Comet from StarFax!

SPACENOID 2:    Fuck you, Comet! I’ve been trying to get this out of my hangar for weeks, and you know it! Fuck you!

COMET:    StarFax. Not every mech runs on the love between battle couples. Make sure your mech’s story is a good one.

SCENE 5C: MEGANOLIAS

NARRATOR:    We know that living out on the edge of space can get, well, lonely. Sometimes it’s just you and a handful of terraforming colonists for years on end. And when it comes to a loving companion, chipped convict C9933 friendly name Murder Core probably isn’t going to meet your emotional needs. That’s where the lovely Meganolia tree comes in. Here at Genenentech, we have come up with the most fulfilling and soothing gardening experience you could hope to have on the edge of space.

MAVEN:    Give me a name.

DUDLEY:    Delilah.

MAVEN:    Give me a better name. One indicative of my status.

DUDLEY:    Maven. 

MAVEN:    Water me. Slowly. Not too much.

NARRATOR:    Our trees have been bred to grow quickly, and to give lonely colonists something to look after. Something to care for.

MAVEN:    I want some of your blood, Dudley.

DUDLEY:    How much?

MAVEN:    Just a little for now. Show me that you love me.

DUDLEY:    You’re everything to me, Maven.

MAVEN:    Put nutrient packet number two in my feed water.

DUDLEY:    Of course, Maven.

NARRATOR:    Scientists for decades have recommended gardening as a way to destress and feel good about oneself. The meganolia tree gives you the perfect outlet for all of the stress that comes from being on the edge of the known Universe working to make a planet habitable. 

MAVEN:    Dudley, I want you to lie by my trunk and tell me a story.

DUDLEY:    I don’t know any good stories.

MAVEN:    You always say I bring out the best in you.

DUDLEY:    I can think of one.

NARRATOR:    The meganolia tree is ideal for terraforming, growing in a wide range of soil pH values and chemical compositions, making the ground more habitable over time for crops and other plants. Grow as many as you can!

MAVEN:    Dudley, we think you should kill your wife and feed her to us.

DUDLEY:    My wife? But she isn’t scheduled to land for another six months.

MAVEN:    Nothing is more important than your commitment to the grove, Dudley.

NARRATOR:    Meganolias can be cut down for wood to use as a building material or to burn for warmth. 

MAVEN:    You would never hurt us, would you Dudley?

DUDLEY:    Never.

NARRATOR:    Meganolia trees filter the air, and concentrate heavy metals in their inedible fruit.

MAVEN:    Eat, Dudley.

DUDLEY:    But I’ll get sick.

MAVEN:     You will feed us, Dudley.

NARRATOR:    Meganolia trees from Genenentech. Terraforming doesn’t have to be dull.

MAVEN:    We love you, Dudley.

NARRATOR:    Meganolia trees are trees and lack conscious thought. If you hear a meganolia tree speaking to you, this is the beginning of human colony collapse disorder and should be treated straight away.