The long-running space soap opera returns with romantic entanglements, mysterious strangers, and step-twins.

SCENE 4A: SECRET IDENTITY PT. 2

CORMELIA:    There, I have isolated the crystal’s structure and chemical composition. I can tell that I am just on the cusp of an amazing scientific breakthrough, Violet.

VIOLET:    Truly outstanding, Cormelia. But I sense something is holding you back from this most amazing of scientific discoveries.

CORMELIA:    It’s my heart, Violet. My dumb, dumb heart. And my equally unwise sexual organs.

VIOLET:    I’m not a stranger to conflicts of the heart, or the sexual organs for that matter. Please, tell me what’s wrong. For science’s sake.

CORMELIA:    I’m in love with identical step-twins.

VIOLET:    How… how does that work?

CORMELIA:    Well, first I loved one of them, but then I found out that there were two, and, one thing led to another, now I love them both.

VIOLET:    I was referring to the identical step-twin part.

CORMELIA:    There’s no time for that when my heart is aching, and my loins are also aching, and there’s science that is aching to be done in front of me. For the good of humankind! I must clear my mind and my conscience to do science. Con-Science.

VIOLET:    I have only assisted you in doing science for a little while, but I know that your crystal science brain is as smart as your heart and loins are dumb. It is thus my duty to help you. Perhaps a story would be in order.

CORMELIA:    Yes, anything that will distract me from this longing.

VIOLET:    When I was younger, there were these twin dukes of the Nepotismus Cluster that would attend all of my galas. It was their thing apparently to try to seduce the same women, trading in and out of the wooing periodically. You never knew which one you were talking to, if you even knew that there were two of them. Of course they were quite handsome, and charming as well, so it was only a matter of time before you found yourself in the servants’ laundry hamper with one of them, but before you knew it, there were two of them. It was quite the thrilling surprise.

CORMELIA:    Did you… fall in love with them?

VIOLET:    No. But I did pretend to forget there were two of them so they would do the whole routine over again. And again.

CORMELIA:    I’m just not sure that is the situation I am in. My twins are step-twins after all. And I am in love with them.

VIOLET:    Well, I was in love once. A lovely prince from the Beaujolais System. Fredrinz Hámbiolard. I met him when I won the Hottest Eligible Princess Award. He was beautiful and charming and had a modest turnover rate among his staff, which is an important metric you know. Once we made love for days in the crystal blue waters of Planet Minnetonka. I truly loved him and wanted to marry him, but it was not to be. My family thought I should have a nobler noble with a lower turnover rate among his staff and something more to offer than fields of space rhubarb.

CORMELIA:    That sounds so fancy. Why were all of these royalty-type people after you? Are you some kind of royalty? A princess, as your award implies?

VIOLET:    No. Of course not. I’m as ordinary as they come. Except for how amazingly hot I am. Hot as several princesses, they say.

CORMELIA:    That is true. My stupid sexual organs have not failed to notice that you are in fact pretty, hot and tempting.

VIOLET:    I’m sorry?

CORMELIA:    Your stories of romance and desire have made my loins ache in a new direction. You see, they are quite stupid, but they want what they want.

VIOLET:    I don’t understand. We’ve only known each other for a few months now.

CORMELIA:    It doesn’t matter how long it takes my dumb eyes to see. It only matters that they see.

VIOLET:    What about your step-twins?

CORMELIA:    I’m still trying to decide about that.

VIOLET:     Are you certain you shouldn’t wait until you’ve decided?

CORMELIA:    But my loins are so very stupid, you see. And not only that, but I’m just not sure I can finish my science, at which I am very good, while my loins are this full of distraction.

VIOLET:    Yes, of course. I understand. After all you were Miss Ganymede. It’s hard not to notice, especially when all you’re wearing for some reason is a lab coat. But, I’m just not sure how it would work. I mean we’re both… science officers.

CORMELIA:    I have one question for you, Violet.

VIOLET:    I’m listening.

CORMELIA:    Are your lips as dumb as mine?

SFX 1:    A kiss.

MFX 1:    DUN DUN DUNNNNNN.

SCENE 4B: DUMB HEART PT 2 

GORSHT (Y):     Who do you think you are? 

GORSHT (Z):     I’m you but more equal. 

GORSHT (Y):     You speak in riddles and nonsense! 

GORSHT (Z):     Well, you speak in… in… shut up! You never liked me! 

GORSHT (Y):     Of course I never liked you, you’re the evil twin. 

GORSHT (Z):     I’m the evil twin?? Because I saved over your game file in Gotchamonsters: Viola of Space 20 space years ago? 

GORSHT (Y):     I had the legendary Gotchamonster! 

GORSHT (Z):     You named it Ruthbert!! 

GORSHT (Y):     Ruthbert is a perfectly good name. Not like Zelani. 

GORSHT (Z):     You take that back this instant. 

GORSHT (Y):     Never. I’ll never take it back. But I will take Cormelia back if it’s the last thing I do.

GORSHT (Z):     It will be the last thing you do, step-twin. I swear this on our father’s name. 

GORSHT (Y):     Never speak of Dadlani to me ever again. 

GORSHT (Z):     Touched a nerve, have I? Is it because he gave me his full inheritance after he died and left you nothing? 

GORSHT (Y):     As if an inheritance meant anything to me. You could never understand. 

GORSHT (Z):     Oh yeah? Try me. 

GORSHT (Y):     I shan’t. 

GORSHT (Z):     Coward. 

GORSHT (Y):     Stupid… stupidhead! I will throw you out the airlock for your insolence! 

GORSHT (Z):     Then do it! What are you afraid of? 

GORSHT (Y):     Becoming no better than you. 

GORSHT (Z):     (CHUCKLES EVILLY) Oh Yelani… you are me! And you will never, ever escape that for as long as you live. (FULL-BLOWN EVIL LAUGHTER) 

SFX 4:     A SPACE DOOR SLAMS. 

SFX 5:     TRANSITION NOISE.

GORSHT (Y):     Please tell me what to do, Doctor Brantix. Zelani is right, I can never escape them. 

BRANTIX:     Yelani Gorsht, I have told you no less than 23 separate times, I am not a doctor of the psyche. I am not a licensed therapist. I treat physical ailments, not mental ones. Please leave my office. And stop bringing that recliner in here. I can’t keep cleaning scuff marks off the floor and it throws off the feng shui of my office. 

GORSHT (Y):     I feel like Zelani hated the fact we were step-twins. They hated that Dadlani remarried and never gave me a chance. Now they’re here, taking everything from me again. I was able to move past it before, but now they’re stealing Cormelia from me, and that is simply too far, even for them. 

BRANTIX:     (SIGHS) Have you talked to Cormelia about any of this? 

GORSHT (Y):     She said she needed to… think about it. 

BRANTIX:     Oof, yikes. Someone should probably check on her, make sure she hasn’t done any damage to her incredible science brain. 

GORSHT (Y):     I am not sure what to do.

BRANTIX:     Well… what if I told you I might have a solution? An experimental procedure, if you will? What if I could make you and Zelani… regular twins? 

SFX 6:     DRAMATIC STING. 

GORSHT (Y):     Regular twins? 

BRANTIX:     Regular twins, no steps involved. Well, actually, a couple steps involved. We would need you both in this machine here, and then this button must be pressed at the most dramatic moment possible, but essentially, we could rewire both of your DNA to make you fully blood-related siblings. 

GORSHT (Y):     How is that even possible? 

BRANTIX:     Anything is possible through the power… of space medicine.

SCENE 4C: AMNESIA Pt 2

CORMELIA:    Hello, Lieutenant. I…I didn’t see you there.

RED:    Hello? Do I know you?

CORMELIA:    Me? Of course you do; I am Cormelia Synz, the galaxy’s foremost expert on crystalology and former Miss Ganymede. We’ve worked together in the crystalology lab on Science Deck for cycles. Don’t you remember?

RED:    That’s the problem, Cordelia. I don’t remember. I don’t remember…anything.

CORMELIA:    [gasps] You mean?

RED:    That’s right, Cornelius. I have…

MFX 7:    Dramatic cue

RED:    Amnesia.

CORMELIA:    No!

RED:    It’s true. Dr…um Dr…

CORMELIA:    Brantix

RED:    Right, them, Dr. Brantix says I must have…um…

CORMELIA:     Looks like you’ve written it down on your hand.

RED:    Ah, yes. The doctor says [reading] I must have gotten a nasty blow to the head on that away mission and I’m lucky to be alive. [not reading anymore] I don’t even remember the away mission.

CORMELIA:    I heard there were only 5 survivors: you and the entire bridge crew.

RED:    The bridge crew goes on away missions?

CORMELIA:    Don’t worry about it.

RED:    Coronetta, I have to ask you something!

CORMELIA:    Anything to take my mind off my own troubles.

RED:    Where are we?

CORMELIA:    We’re on board the USSSSSS-Icarus. It’s a Nimoy-class limited liability starship on a mission to explore the furthest reaches of the Crab Nebula. 

RED:    No, I mean, in relation to the rest of the ship. I don’t know where my quarters are.

CORMELIA:    And you think I do!? What do you take me for, some kind of strumpet? I am faithful to my one-ish true love Yelani Gorsht and your implications have wounded my stupid dumb heart! Four doors down on the right hand corridor! And anyway, my love lives are none of your business!

RED:    I…I’m so sorry. It’s just that you’re so very, very beautiful.

CORMELIA:    Of course. 

RED:    I just wish I could figure out where I truly belong.

CORMELIA:    I’ve felt that way too. For so long, I’ve struggled to really understand who I am. Who am I? Sure, I’m the galaxy’s most famous and respected crystal-ologist, sure I was Miss Ganymede, sure I’ve been voted sexiest spaceperson alive three times by Beings magazine, but who am I? Who am I??

RED:    I don’t know!

CORMELIA:    Then what good are you?

SFX 3:    Running footsteps

RED:    Wait! Contrapasso! Come back! I still don’t know where I am!

MFX 8:    Transition cue