The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is working for YOU. And Sponsor Mulgreens will always be there for you. It has always been here.

SCENE 3A: SPUTNIK AND GREEB – Polycule

SPUTNIK:    You think everything is going fine, and then BAM!

SFX 1:    Car Crash.

SPUTNIK:    It hits you like a ton of bricks.

JORDACHE:    I just didn’t know what was happening to me. It felt like the world was ending. 

SFX:    Car Crash.

JORDACHE:    My polycule was evaporating. One day, the nine of us were perfectly happy in polyamorous bliss when everything just went wrong. 

SFX:    Car Crash.

JORDACHE:    Fucking Kyler.

GREEB:    If you or a loved one has been a part of marriage where assets held in trust now need to be divided more than three ways but fewer than fifteen, call the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group. 

SPUTNIK:    Greater than fifteen is legally considered a cult, which requires separate litigation.

JORDACHE:    Sputnik and Greeb fought hard for me and made sure I got the table tennis table back. Even though I didn’t pay for all of it, I was the only one who used it. They also made it so I can still keep my bedroom even though I technically don’t own the house anymore. 

SPUTNIK:    Squatters rights!

GREEB:    Breakups can be hard. Take it from me. I’ve been married…seven times, a few of those concurrently. Make sure you get what you deserve when things fall apart.

SPUTNIK:    Call the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group today!

GREEB:    Today!

SCENE 3B: MULGREENS

MFX 1:    Holiday shopping music.

SPOKESPERSON:    Whether it’s skinned knees, last minute grocery shopping, emergency space contraceptive at 2 in the space morning, or a holiday card, Mulgreen’s is there for you. We were there when your great grandmother needed ointment for your grandfather’s diaper rash. We were there when your great grandmother needed bandages when she fell off her tricycle. We were there when King Gastodon was assassinated by his only brother, the usurper and now second King Gastodon. We were there when the last non-avian dinosaur expired. It was a virus, but the way. The meteor came after. We were there when life first climbed out of the oceans. We were there when the planet first cooled. We were there when everything came into existence. We have always been here, and we will always be here. For you.

CHILD:    I’m a child riding my tricycle through the frame now!

MOTHER:    And I’m a proud mom watching with a big smile on my face!

SPOKESPERSON:    At Mulgreen’s, you can find whatever you’re looking for at a friendly, competitive price. Perhaps competitive isn’t the right word. We have no need to compete with other businesses. We will outlast them all. This is for certain.

CHILD:    Now I’m building a snowman in slow motion.

MOTHER:    I’m cooking in the kitchen, but watching my child build a snowman through the window!

SPOKESPERSON:    And if you need to send money this holiday season, you can trust Mulgreen’s Financial Services. Existing as long as we have, and being such an important part of so many family’s histories has given us an enormous share of the Galaxy’s wealth. We have so much money, we had to start exchanging our real bucks for dark bucks which are exchangeable for real bucks, but a lot harder to be monitored by external forces.

MOTHER:    You’re stuck in the airport? Let me send you some money.

CHILD:    Yeah! I rode my tricycle really far!

SPOKESPERSON:    We offer outstanding benefits to all of our employees, including conditional eternal life. The condition is that you accept minimum wage and no other benefits, and your immortality ends as soon as you leave, rapidly aging you to your true age.

CHILD:    Mommy, you look so young still! Stay at home and play with me!

MOTHER:    I have to go to work now, sweetheart. I’ll be home as soon as I can. They won’t let me work a full eight hours anyhow.

SPOKESPERSON:    The holidays are for family, warm memories, and… tradition. Mulgreen’s is your friend. Forever.

SCENE 3C: Sputnik and Greeb-Phaser Overload

SPUTNIK:    I’m… Gorglax Sputnik.

GREEB:    And I’ve recently been reinstated on a probationary basis by the Crab Nebula Bar Association.

BOTH:    We’re THE SPUTNIK AND GREEB LAW GROUP.

GREEB:    The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is the highest ranked impersonal injury firm in the Alpha Quadrant 26 cycles in a row.

SPUTNIK:    That’s right, Marty. And do you know why?

GREEB:    Why’s that, Gorglax?

SPUTNIK:    Because the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group puts our clients’ needs first.

GREEB:    But you don’t have to take our word for it.

ENSIGN:    When I was sent on an away mission with the captain, first officer, chief engineer, and communications officer, I was injured during a phaser overload explosion. I was the…only one injured in the phaser overload explosion.

    I faced months of difficult physical therapy and I couldn’t work. The settlement I was offered didn’t come close to meeting my needs. I saw an ad for the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group come up on my instabeam, and I thought, “Why not?”

    I’m so glad I called. The Sputnik and Greeb Law Group got me the cash I needed to make it through, and made me feel like a valued client from start to finish.

SPUTNIK:    So there you have it.

GREEB:    Another satisfied customer.

SPUTNIK:    So remember: if you’ve been in any way at all injured, harassed, or mildly inconvenienced, you owe it to yourself to litigate.

GREEB:    And the Sputnik and Greeb Law Group is here to represent you at every step of the process.

SPUTNIK:    Call today at 224-225-5723.