An instructional film helping loyal citizens everywhere stay vigilant against the threat of space ghosts.
Types of Space Ghosts was written by Kitt Keller, featuring the voice of Fox Williams as the Narrator and Briauna Kittle as the valued Citizen, with Kitt Keller reading the stage directions, and music by Conrad Miszuk.

MFX 1: Fanfare

SFX 1: film reel starting

SFX 2: Film reel noise [under entire scene]

MFX 2: 1950s “instructional video” music underscoring all of the below.

NARRATOR: Safety. It’s something we’re always thinking about during our day to day lives. Is my house safe? Is my family safe? Is my rocket ship safe? We ask ourselves these important questions all the time, and we think we know the answers.

But there are lots of dangerous things out there, constantly circling, waiting for you to let down your guard. And there’s one danger in particular that we should all be on the lookout for. No, not the insidious specter of communism! Something even more threatening: space ghosts.

CITIZEN: Why should I worry about space ghosts?

NARRATOR: Well, Citizen, space ghosts can be very dangerous.

CITIZEN: Sure, sure.

NARRATOR: What do you really know about space ghosts?

CITIZEN: Well, gee. Let me think.

NARRATOR: [prompting] Hmmm?

CITIZEN: If I remember, I learned in school that space ghosts were discovered by Sir Roderick Smithe-Smythe in 1604, but their existence wasn’t widely known until the 22nd century.

NARRATOR: That’s true, Citizen. But do you know anything else about space ghosts?

CITIZEN: I guess I don’t.

NARRATOR: That’s too bad, Citizen, because what you don’t know can be hazardous to your safety.

CITIZEN: Oh no!

NARRATOR: That’s right. Space ghosts are a constant danger, and even one citizen like yourself being under-informed puts us all at risk.

CITIZEN: Gee! What can I do?

NARRATOR: Well, let’s take some time to learn about the different types of ghosts you might encounter while out in space, and how to identify what kind of space ghost is haunting your rocket, saucer, or space station.

CITIZEN: I’m ready. What’s the first kind of space ghost I need to know about?

NARRATOR: The most common type of space ghost looks something like this.

SFX 3: The click of a slide projector.

CITIZEN: Hmm. That doesn’t look too bad.

NARRATOR: Appearances can be deceiving, Citizen.

CITIZEN: [ashamed] I know.

NARRATOR: But in this case, you’re correct! These common space ghosts are little more than nuisances. They might clog up your comms once in a while, but they can’t cause too much damage.

SFX 4: Projector click

NARRATOR: Now, this little fella is a whole different story.

CITIZEN: What is it?

NARRATOR: Well, Citizen, that’s a space banshee.

CITIZEN: Yikes!

NARRATOR: Yikes indeed, Citizen. The space banshee is one of the most dangerous space ghosts.

A space banshee is created when an asteroid miner dies a violent death. The space banshee’s most defining trait is its hideous scream.

CITIZEN: What does it sound like?

NARRATOR: [drawn out] Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-hawwwwwwww!

CITIZEN: Gosh! I never knew. What’s the next kind of space ghost I need to watch out for?

SFX 5: Projector Click

NARRATOR: This space ghost is primarily found near the moons of Jupiter. If your commute takes you anywhere near Ganymede, watch out!

CITIZEN: It looks so…ghostly.

NARRATOR: That’s right, Citizen. This type of space ghost is known as an Oort. They are spawned from the spirits of those who got accidentally sucked out of airlocks.

CITIZEN: Gee! There sure must be a lot of those.

NARRATOR: There are.

SFX 6: Projector click

NARRATOR: And this type of space ghost is called a nova-geist. Note the dreadful aspect in its various eyes, and the shimmering aura of chaotic evil.

CITIZEN: Whoa!

NARRATOR: They can be vengeful. If a nova-geist makes it aboard your rocket, starship, or space station, it can wreak havoc with holodeck programming, warp engine function, and even the food replicators.

CITIZEN: But where do they come from?

NARRATOR: Nova-geists are the spirits of those who got sucked out of airlocks intentionally.

SFX 7: Projector click

NARRATOR: This is the dreaded phantom of the space opera.

CITIZEN: Is it dangerous?

NARRATOR: Only to your eardrums.

SFX 8: Projector click

NARRATOR: This furry friend is called a chupacabroid. They are found in low orbit near agricultural terraforming operations.

CITIZEN: It’s kinda cute, isn’t it?

SFX 9: Projector click

CITIZEN: [screams]

NARRATOR: Not when it’s hungry, it isn’t.

CITIZEN: It’s so horrible! I can’t look!

NARRATOR: [friendly chuckle] Well, okay. We’ll move on to the next type of space ghost you need to be familiar with.

SFX 10: Projector click.

NARRATOR: This is a void wraith. They live out in deep space, where they often infest transport ships with their ectoplasmic tentacles and bone-chilling hypersonic resonance.

CITIZEN: How can they live in deep space if they’re ghosts? Aren’t ghosts dead?

NARRATOR: That certainly is a question, isn’t it. Let’s leave that kind of speculation to the experts.

CITIZEN: Okay. Can you tell me anything else about the void wraiths?

NARRATOR: No.

CITIZEN: Well, I’ll be sure to keep a sharp eye out for any of them!

NARRATOR: Good work, Citizen. It’s important to stay vigilant.

SFX 11: Projector click

NARRATOR: Now, the last kind of space ghost we need to learn about is very, very dangerous. It haunts the halls and Jeffries tubes of starships all across the galaxy. It stalks silently through the escape pods and hyperdrive engines of rockets and it marches ominously aboard terraformers and satellites. It is the most dangerous of all the space ghosts—and made even moreso by its subtle methods of infiltration.

[beat]

CITIZEN: Is it communism?

NARRATOR: It’s communism.

CITIZEN: It sounds like that might be more of a metaphor than an actual ghost.

NARRATOR: No. Well, yes. As all good ghosts are.

CITIZEN: Are there any more kinds of space ghosts should know about?

NARRATOR: No, Citizen, now you’ve learned all the unclassified information there is to know about the various kinds of space ghosts.

CITIZEN: Wow, it turned out I didn’t know as much as I thought I did. I’m sure glad you had this talk with me about safety.

NARRATOR: [chuckle] That’s all right, Citizen. Now you know.

MFX 3: End music

MFX 4: Closing fanfare

SFX 12: End film real sound