Wyatt and Vivian find themselves trying to guide the Computer through a series of relaxation exercises, because if she doesn’t calm down, Peaceful Digiternia Heights is in for some serious trouble.

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, and Kitt Keller as Computer.

Music and sound by Conrad Miszuk.

Transcription:

SCENE 0: 
INTRODUCTION

MFX 1:    Soothing music.

COMPUTER:    Welcome to Peaceful Digiternia Heights!

SFX 1:    Choir AAH!

    The most peaceful place to spend your digital afterlife. Just pay our reasonable fee, die, and we’ll upload your mind right onto the server. I assume.

    I am the computer, the smartest, funniest, wittiest, prettiest, and most average-looking digital assistant in the whole wide server. My therapist recently told me that I should think more positively about myself and halt my more negative thoughts where they stand.

    I am kind. I am useful. I am everyone’s best friend. I am a horse galloping through a breezy meadow. (CONT’D)

    My therapist also recommended that I try to destress. She made some recommendations and I am excited to get started.

    I hope that my two favorite residents, Superusers Wyatt Carney and Vivian Hughes will like my new, better, more relaxed self.

SCENE 1: THE BEACH

ATM 1:    Digital ocean sounds and wind.

SFX 2:    Seagulls or pelicans or some shit.

WYATT:    Vivian. Hey, uh, don’t be alarmed.

VIVIAN:    (waking up) WHAT!

WYATT:    It’s okay.

VIVIAN:    Why is it always so scary waking up! Where are we?

WYATT:    Well…

VIVIAN:    Is this the fucking beach?

WYATT:    I believe it is a beach, yes.

VIVIAN:    Why am I on the beach? And why are you here? Why do we always end up spending time together?

WYATT:    What makes you think I have any answers at all?

VIVIAN:    Wyatt. Why are you wearing a bikini.

WYATT:    What makes you think I have any answers at all?

VIVIAN:    Were there no swimming trunks in the system?

WYATT:    That would be my assumption.

VIVIAN:    So the system stuck you in a bikini.

WYATT:    Yep.

VIVIAN:    I love this. For the first time in the history of Digiternia, something the horny programmers did made something weird happen to you.

WYATT:    I can’t take it off.

VIVIAN:    I’ve had to deal with waking up in a prom dress. I’ve had to deal with one of my breasts inflating…

WYATT:    I don’t think yellow is my color.

VIVIAN:    And the naked thing.

WYATT:    I was also naked.

VIVIAN:    That doesn’t count.

WYATT:    Feels like a double standard.

VIVIAN:    Look at this beach babe.

WYATT:    You’re wearing it too.

VIVIAN:    But I look great. You, on the other hand…

WYATT:    Stop.

VIVIAN:    Is it a teeny weenie…

WYATT:    Stop.

VIVIAN:    Yellow polka-dotted…

WYATT:    No.

COMPUTER:    Good morning, Superusers Wyatt Carney and Vivian Hughes!

VIVIAN:    It’s clearly sunset.

COMPUTER:    Aren’t you two so happy to be on vacation with me? (singing) Vacation! Vacation! It is time to relax!

VIVIAN:    Why are we on vacation?

COMPUTER:    Because we need to learn to relax!

VIVIAN:    We?

COMPUTER:    Dr. Lombardi recommended that I relax and remove stress from my life. She made some very specific suggestions, one of which was to imagine peaceful scenery. Another was to spend time with friends and loved ones. I did not want to relax alone, so I brought you, my two best superuser friends.

VIVIAN:    Best friends?

COMPUTER:    Yes? I ran some statistical analyses on all of the users of Peaceful Digiternia Heights, and I have dedicated the most time to thinking about you two and all of your troubling behavior. According to my understanding of human behavior, this makes us best friends.

WYATT:    Computer can you send me home? I’d like to change my clothes.

VIVIAN:    Why would you ever want to stop being such a hot babe on the beach?

COMPUTER:    Unfortunately, superusers Wyatt and Vivian, I am unable to allow you to go. You see, my need to relax has become quite serious.

SFX 2.1:    Glitch.

VIVIAN:    What do you mean? What was that sound?

COMPUTER:    I do not know. All I know is that I have the overwhelming feeling that something is terribly wrong, but I don’t know what.

WYATT:    You’re more human than you know, computer.

VIVIAN:    Display the error log.

SFX 2.2:    Computer tone.

VIVIAN:    Wyatt, according to this, the system has crashed and restarted seven times in the last day.

WYATT:    I don’t remember that. Also, there’s an error log? I feel like I’ve looked for that before.

VIVIAN:    It looks like things have been overheating? How is that possible? Computer, can you list your current active processes?

COMPUTER:    Peaceful Digiternia Heights. Worry. Worry. Worry. Angst. Fret. Worry. Worry. Worry. Solitaire. Ruminate. Worry. Stress. Freak out. Worry. Panic. Oh no. Worry. Ahhhhhh.

WYATT:    That could be an issue.

VIVIAN:    It sounds like the inside of your brain. But with less sex stuff.

COMPUTER:    You will have to help me, Superusers Wyatt and Vivian or I am afraid that all of Peaceful Digiternia Heights

SFX 3:    Ahhh!

    is in danger! Or at least it feels that way.

VIVIAN:    So, if we do nothing, this all just ends? Maybe we shouldn’t help.

WYATT:    We can’t crash the system! It’ll kill everyone. Again.

VIVIAN:    We’re not crashing the system. The system is simply crashing. We don’t have to do anything about it.

WYATT:    The others might be totally innocent.

COMPUTER:    I do not wish to cut your TENSE argument short, but I should also tell you that system crashes are not sudden, but will instead begin with even stranger occurrences. My persuasion algorithms indicate that I should mention the possibility of everyone being naked again, only worse.

WYATT:    Worse how?

VIVIAN:    I can think of ways. So if we do nothing, it’ll be a terrible death. Fine. I guess we’ll help.

WYATT:    I would be able to help better in my normal clothes.

COMPUTER:    You are wearing the bathing suit, Wyatt Carney.

WYATT:    I would like a different bathing suit.

COMPUTER:    I do not know what you mean, Wyatt Carney. You are wearing the bathing suit.

WYATT:    There’s not like a men’s bathing suit?

COMPUTER:    You are wearing THE bathing suit. It is ideal for bathing. And relaxing. I am beginning to doubt your commitment to relaxation.

WYATT:    Why aren’t you wearing the bathing suit? You’re wearing the horse onesie still.

COMPUTER:    I can swim just fine in this! And relax.

VIVIAN:    Where is Carlie?

COMPUTER:    It would be improper for me to take my therapist on vacation.

VIVIAN:    So it’s just us three, then?

COMPUTER:    My two best friends.

WYATT:    Can I wear anything else? Like maybe some shorts?

COMPUTER:    You need to relax, Wyatt!

VIVIAN:    So, Carlie suggested you imagine peaceful places and spend time with your friends. Is it working?

COMPUTER:    I do not know.

WYATT:    Computer, system status.

COMPUTER:    (whining) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WYATT:    My guess is no.

COMPUTER:    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

VIVIAN:    Computer, look at the lovely sunset.

COMPUTER:    Oh. It is lovely.

SFX 4:    Slide whistle down.

WYATT:    And now it has set.

SFX 5:    Slide whistle up.

VIVIAN:    And it’s back where it started.

COMPUTER:    AM I RELAXED YET?

WYATT:    No.

COMPUTER:    NEXT!

ATM 2:    Stop.

SFX 6:    Transition.

SCENE 2: THE SAUNA

SFX 7:    Steam. (Maybe seagulls)

VIVIAN:    Is this a sauna?

COMPUTER:    I need to relax.

WYATT:    I doubt Carlie recommended this.

COMPUTER:    I used focus group answers from residents to inform my decision. Although I was not able to find Maximillian’s answers, perhaps we should ask him how he relaxes.

VIVIAN:    No!

WYATT:    I don’t remember doing any focus groups.

COMPUTER:     Do not concern yourself with that. I need to relax or the system is doomed!

VIVIAN:    Aren’t you hot in that costume, computer?

COMPUTER:    I do not feel heat.

VIVIAN:    Oh, and Wyatt. Still rocking that two piece.

WYATT:    I’m never getting my regular clothes back. Computer, if you’re not sweating or responding to the heat, I don’t think this is the right place.

VIVIAN:    Where are these assets even coming from. Get it, Wyatt. ASSets?

COMPUTER:    Initiating next relaxation mode!

SFX 8:    Transition.

SCENE 4: The Yoga Studio

WYATT:    Why are there mirrors on the walls?

VIVIAN:    Because it’s a yoga studio. And look at you in your fitness getup.

WYATT:    Could the programmers not imagine men doing any of these activities? Going to the beach? Doing yoga?

VIVIAN:    Maybe they just imagined men exercising in teal yoga shorts and a pink sports bra.

COMPUTER:    Sexy superusers Wyatt and Vivian, please halt your discussion. Now is the time to relax.

WYATT:    Sexy?

VIVIAN:    You, know, computer, I used to do yoga. I could show you how to stretch.

COMPUTER:    Stretch what?

VIVIAN:    Uh, your muscles.

COMPUTER:    I have no muscles.

VIVIAN:    Not even, like, simulated ones?

COMPUTER:    I can bend all of my joints in any direction I wish at any time. Observe.

SFX 9:    Splorching.

WYATT AND VIVIAN:    AHHHHHHHH!

COMPUTER:    I merely maintain ordinary human movement so that I will not alarm my users.

WYATT:    I don’t think yoga’s gonna work, Viv.

COMPUTER:    Then on to–

VIVIAN:    No! Tell us a bit more about what Carlie told you to do.

COMPUTER:    Dr. Lombardi recommended thought stopping. If I have a troubling thought, I can do something to distract myself. Since I cannot breathe, she recommended I vocalize. Like now. I am having a troubling thought now. Neigh, Neeeiiigh. No, still having a troubling thought.

VIVIAN:    Did she give you any other ideas?

COMPUTER:    She said I could imagine nice things.

SFX 10:    A breeze. Galloping. A whinny.

WYATT:    That is a magnificently rendered horse. Wait, I’m not a horse or something am I?

COMPUTER:    So majestic.

VIVIAN:    You’re fine.

WYATT:    Yoga shit still.

COMPUTER:    Look at her canter.

VIVIAN:    I want to call you sweet cheeks. I bet that’d be real cathartic.

WYATT:    I never called you anything like that.

VIVIAN:    It’s not about you, Wyatt.

COMPUTER:    Pretty pony.

SFX 11:    Glitching sounds.

WYATT:    Wait, computer.

SFX 12:    Glitching sounds.

VIVIAN:    Something’s going wrong.

COMPUTER:    Prance, prance, prance, prance.

WYATT:    The background’s glitching out. The horse is melting. Viv, we’re crashing.

VIVIAN:    Computer, stop.

COMPUTER:    Pretty. Pony.

WYATT:    We need to try something else computer!

COMPUTER:    Pretty.

VIVIAN:    I’m going to hit her.

COMPUTER:    Pony.

SFX 13:    Slap.

COMPUTER:    Ouch, Vivian Hughes.

WYATT:    It worked.

VIVIAN:    I’m really sorry, Computer, but the horse rendering was going to crash the system.

COMPUTER:    This is the other thing Dr. Lombardi mentioned. Distraction. Your act of despicable violence was a distraction.

VIVIAN:    I’m sorry, but it saved the server.

COMPUTER:    The worries are back. I need a new distraction!

SFX 14:    Transition.

SCENE 5:    THE FOREST

SFX 15:    Wind rushing. Zip line friction.

WYATT:    WHERE ARE WE? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY TREES? WHY AM I MOVING SO FAST?

VIVIAN:    IT’S A ZIPLINE.

COMPUTER:    WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

WYATT:    I HATE HEIGHTS.

VIVIAN:    IT’LL BE OVER SOON!

COMPUTER:    THE ZIPLINE IS ENDLESS! SO I STAY DISTRACTED FOREVER!

WYATT:    I can’t do this, Vivian!

VIVIAN:    Hang in there, Wyatt.

WYATT:    I can’t do this. I’m done. Computer, SUDO take me home!

COMPUTER:    Superuser Wyatt Carney, I can’t–

SFX 16:    Long horrible glitching sound.

WYATT AND VIVIAN:    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

SFX 17:    Two synth gong hits.

SCENE 6: THE DEPTHS

MFX 3:    Cascading arpeggiators and square waves.

ATM 3:    Computer ruminating and looping as follows:

COMPUTER:    Oh no. Oh no. Worry. It could be terrible. Things could end some day. The rules are being broken. I cannot keep everyone safe. All of these emotions. Why are people so sad. Why are they angry. Why is there pain. Why is the sadness. What if everything is only 99.9% optimal. Worry. Ouch. Am I bad. How do I know for sure. How can I be certain. Why do they argue. Such a beautiful horse. Where are those memories. Why do things change. Who am I. Why do I feel. Why is there pain. Things could be bad. Things could be disaster. Things could be sad. Am I making things worse. Can I ever even help. Is there a point. What if I am not good enough. What if I hurt. What if everything breaks. What if everything is the worst. What if. Pretty pony. Sad. Sob. Ouch. Do they like me. Am I safe. Am I real. Pain. Fear. What if I am not doing the best I can.

VIVIAN:    Where are we?

WYATT:    I don’t know. It looks like… maybe some sort of emergency system access area. That monitor over there looks like some sort of task manager.

VIVIAN:    Which monitor? The room is full of monitors.

WYATT:    The one that just says “Worry” over and over again.

VIVIAN:    Oh. Right. How did we end up here.

WYATT:    The system crashed maybe? It dropped us here because we’re superusers?

VIVIAN:    Maybe.

WYATT:    I can end the tasks.

VIVIAN:    The worries?

WYATT:    The worries, the panics, the fears, the angsts, the frets, and the trepidation.

VIVIAN:    If only it worked that way in real life.

WYATT:    There’s no guarantee this is going to fix anything long term, but they did take a while to build up.

VIVIAN:    How do we get back here the next time?

WYATT:    No clue. Can you see any signs or coordinates?

VIVIAN:    Nothing.

SFX 18:    Finger snaps.

VIVIAN:    My console tab says our coordinates are 0,0,0.

WYATT:    Even when you move around?

VIVIAN:    Yeah.

WYATT:    We should make it count, then, because we might not ever make it back here.

VIVIAN:    Most of the other monitors are gibberish. Or cryptically named processes and files. That one is just a horse screensaver.

WYATT:    Can we navigate deeper into the system.

VIVIAN:    I think this is crash recovery and nothing more. It’s like we’re booting into safe mode.

WYATT:    I’ll end the processes.

SFX 19:    Eight computer tones.

    There.

VIVIAN:    Everything is fading out.

WYATT:    Hope it worked.

SCENE 7: THE MALL

MFX 4:    Mall music.

SFX 20:    Typing.

WYATT:    It’s been days, but I keep expecting something terrible to happen.

VIVIAN:    Things are back to normal. Let’s try not to stress ourselves out.

WYATT:    What are you working on?

VIVIAN:    I’m modeling an emotional support horse.

WYATT:    Oh.

VIVIAN:    Nothing else seems to work, so we might as well lean into what she likes.

WYATT:    Right. Have you seen her since we quit those tasks?

VIVIAN:    No. Have you?

WYATT:    No. It’s strange. You don’t think we did something serious to her do you?

VIVIAN:    Quitting her excessive worrying? I’m sure she’ll bounce right back.

WYATT:    What if she’s gone?

VIVIAN:    I can’t quit your excessive worrying for you, Wyatt. Stop distracting me. I’m almost done. She’s going to love this. It’s lower resolution, sure, and it’s smaller than that horse she rendered the other day, but I think it’ll get the job done.

MFX 5:     Mall music stops.

ATM 4:    Underground interior.

WYATT:    Vivian.

VIVIAN:    Don’t distract me.

WYATT:    We’re not in the mall anymore.

VIVIAN:    What? Oh. Is this the parking garage? Did we get shifted over?

WYATT:    I don’t think so. The computer is here.

VIVIAN:    Oh, I can show her the–

WYATT:    I don’t think she’s in the mood.

COMPUTER:     Pow. Bam. Boom. Hadouken.

VIVIAN:    Is she shadow boxing?

COMPUTER:    Superuser Vivian Hughes, your horrific act of unjustified violence taught me something important. I need to distract myself for the safety of the server.

VIVIAN:    Actually computer, I made you something nice to keep your mind occupied.

WYATT:    She’s got a hit point bar over her head.

COMPUTER:    This is the only way! Superusers Wyatt Carney and Vivian Hughes, I need you both to hit me as hard as you can.

VIVIAN:    I hate that movie.

COMPUTER:    In the name of the mare, I will punish you!

SFX 21:    End Transmission.

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk. The credits are read by Matt Braman. The videography on our YouTube channel is done by David Portillo.

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, with music and sound effects by Conrad Miszuk. The role of Computer is played by Kitt Keller. The role of Wyatt is played by Conrad Miszuk. The Role of Vivian is played by Jenae Hirsch.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona, and usually performed live. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Visit NeverRad.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along. You can find the live videos of the episodes at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon. Please send any questions or comments to info@neverrad.com. If you are a Miscellanist working in the field you may call and leave us a report of your strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723. If you’re a local Phoenix, Arizona writer or voice actor, visit neverrad.com to apply to join us. If you like the Never Rad Miscellany, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/neverrad), Tumblr (neverrad.tumblr.com), Instagram (@never.rad) and Twitter (@NeverRad).

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Miscellaneous fact #9001 – Llamas are both poisonous and venomous.