Wyatt Carney has hacked his own afterlife. He and ex-(in both senses of the word) girlfriend Vivian Hughes have built themselves a digital mall, complete with digital Muzak, as a meeting place to get to know their fellow digital decedents. Their first encounter with one of their Digiternia neighbors doesn’t quite go as planned…and what in Peaceful Digiternia is Computer up to?

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, Ricco Machado Torres as Maximilian, and Kitt Keller as Computer.

Transcription:

SCENE 1: THE MALL

MFX 1: Reverb-heavy, nostalgic easy listening music plays.

WYATT: The mall is lovely.

VIVIAN: I don’t want to hear it. There’s nobody here.

WYATT: But it looks really cool. I like the colors. The tile patterns. Everything is so clean and bright. It’s like going to a grand opening. I assume. Most of the malls in my area were closed before I was born.

VIVIAN: But there’s nobody here.

WYATT: Well… yeah.

VIVIAN: We went through all the trouble of hacking our way into the Peaceful Digiternia servers, we made it so we could mostly all be awake at once, and we made a meeting place. I have given the people of this shit hole digital afterlife a place to get together and interact and make the most of things, and they can’t be bothered to even show up. They’re dead. What else can they possibly be doing.

WYATT: There’s a lot we still don’t know about this place.

VIVIAN: How did you get here?

WYATT: I told the computer to take me here.

COMPUTER: I love clear and concise directions. Neigh.

WYATT: Computer why do you look like a–

VIVIAN: We’ll get to that in a minute. I’m not done complaining. So you commanded computer to take you here.

WYATT: Yeah.

VIVIAN: I walked. My apartment exists in digital space. It’s in the middle of a blinding white expanse of really confusingly uneven terrain that you can’t see until you trip over it, but I can get here in about three minutes. I just had to open my door and try.

WYATT: Wait, you can go outside? I didn’t think of that. I assumed none of this was actually connected in space. Are there other buildings in that white expanse? Like a city?

VIVIAN: It’s difficult to say. Many of them are broken pieces of buildings just sort of suspended in space. I honestly don’t know how the creators of this place thought this was going to go.

COMPUTER: I have the progress logs and plans if you’re curious. Neigh.

WYATT: Can we not address this? It’s weirding me out.

VIVIAN: Computer, put a pin in that very topic. I want to come back to it. But not until I have finished ranting.

COMPUTER: I will remind you to address my appearance and the plans for the server.

VIVIAN: So I took the initiative and opened my window. It, uh, doesn’t lead back into my room anymore. And I saw that there was a world outside, even a broken, glitchy, blindingly white world, and I saw that there was a mall. I went out my apartment door, which apparently exits to the outside world when it actually opens, and I walked over here.

WYATT: I kind of want to go take a look. I don’t know why I didn’t think the spaces would be connected.

VIVIAN: Sit down and let me finish. All it took was a little initiative, a little curiosity, and a little desperation to change my situation.

WYATT: But you can’t–

VIVIAN: WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY?

COMPUTER: That information is very private. Neigh. I cannot give you specific information about the activities of another resident.

VIVIAN: We have superuser powers! Sudo sudo sudo tell me where the hell they are!

COMPUTER: Vivian Hughes, you do not have superuser powers. Only Super User Wyatt Carney has superuser powers at this time. And I would ask that you not speak so harshly to me. Neigh.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, give me the goddamned root access.

WYATT: Well, hold on just a second. I don’t disagree with the computer. I don’t think we should be allowed to just interrupt their afterlives. Who knows what they’re going through. Who knows what they’re doing. This place, as you’ve so affectionately called it, is Hell. I don’t think that we have any right to add to that.

VIVIAN: Oh, don’t you high road me, Wyatt. We just want to meet the other residents. We want to see if they’re worth talking to, and we want to see if they are ready to turn off the server as much as we are. Go back to being dead. I don’t care if they’re in their rooms choking themselves, or putting clamps on their nipples, or whatever. I’m not coming from a place of judgment.

VIVIAN/CONT’D OVER…

VIVIAN: I’m coming from a place of goddamn desperation. I just want to talk to someone other than an ex-boyfriend from eighty something years ago and a computer that has given itself the appearance of a talking horse.

COMPUTER: Neigh?

WYATT: So, are we ready to talk about that?

VIVIAN: I’m not ready. Bring me some other people to talk to and you can have a chat with the computer for days about what it should look like.

COMPUTER: I’m detecting some discomfort. Is my physical appearance that disturbing? Neigh.

WYATT: Well…

VIVIAN: You can’t hold out on giving me the root permissions. I put all of this together. It’s mine.

WYATT: I want to.

VIVIAN: Then do it.

WYATT: I don’t want to say what I want to say.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, if you tell me to calm down, I’m going to break your digital face.

WYATT: Okay.

A pause.

VIVIAN: You were going to tell me to calm down.

WYATT: I was.

VIVIAN: This is so frustrating.

WYATT: I know. But it hasn’t been that long.

VIVIAN: It’s been weeks. How have they not noticed that they haven’t been skipping a month every time they sleep?

WYATT: Well, I would imagine it kind of blurs together. And it’s not like you ever really feel the gaps in time.

VIVIAN: (heavy exhale) That’s why we need to shake them out of their comfort zones.

WYATT: Maybe a message sent through the computer?

COMPUTER: I will do what you ask, Superuser Wyatt Carney. Neigh.

WYATT: (under breath) stop being a horse.

COMPUTER: What was that?

WYATT: We need to think about what our message says before we just send it out.

VIVIAN: “Hey, dead people, now we can meet. Ask the computer to take you to the mall, or just use your legs and walk there.” What else does it need to say?

WYATT: I’m just thinking that there are things we haven’t considered yet here and we should give it some time.

VIVIAN: What are you afraid of? I bet if I could remember our breakup it would have something to do with your indecisiveness.

COMPUTER: I’m really sorry about those memories. I swear they’re in here somewhere. I must have mislabeled them. Are you certain your breakup had nothing to do with galloping through a meadow?

WYATT: What if we don’t like the other people?

VIVIAN: What?

WYATT: What if they’re awful. What if they’re worse than the two of us and all of our… baggage. You can’t put that genie back in the bottle.

VIVIAN: We could always make another mall and keep it private to ourselves and then spend the rest of eternity thinking about how much we hate each other and, boy, we wish we could remember why.

WYATT: We need to do something, but maybe we shouldn’t invite everyone here at once.

VIVIAN: You want to be selective?

WYATT: I have some limited information about each person here. It’s a personal bio submitted when they applied, so I have to assume it is eight decades or more out of date, but we can look that way.

VIVIAN: It would be so much faster to just invite them all here and have a mixer and figure it out.

WYATT: What about this guy? It says here he was a programmer and did some work with computer modeling. Maybe he could help us with the avatar designer. It’s item number one on the road map the developers left.

VIVIAN: Literally anyone would be great right now.

SFX 1: Glitching tones.

MAXIMILIAN: (distant) Hello? Is there someone here? In the mall?

WYATT: That was fast.

VIVIAN: We’re here! Down this way!

MAXIMILIAN: I’m coming!

WYATT: Another person. He… he looks like a hobbit.

VIVIAN: We actually brought another person here.

MAXIMILIAN: Has this mall always been here? I’ve looked around before but I’ve never seen it.

VIVIAN: Brand new. Hi. I’m Vivian. You can call me Viv.

WYATT: Wyatt.

MAXIMILIAN: I’m Maximilian.

WYATT: It’s nice to meet you, Max.

MAXIMILIAN: Maximilian. (Maximilian makes the sound of cocking his finger guns)

WYATT: Oh, uh, right. Okay.

MAXIMILIAN: And you, madam, are hot stuff. Is all of this natural? I’m just kidding, I know it’s digital.

VIVIAN: I’m sorry?

WYATT: Hold on. Don’t talk to her like that.

MAXIMILIAN: I’m sorry, is there something going on between you two already?

VIVIAN: No. No no. Not at all.

MAXIMILIAN: I’m real good at waiting my turn.

WYATT: We used to date. A really long time ago.

MAXIMILIAN: Well, I don’t want to step on any toes, especially not on such a beautiful foot. So, uh, did you guys make this place? Are you developers or dead people?

WYATT: Dead people.

VIVIAN: I made this place. Well, the model was already in the system library for some reason. Perhaps they planned on implementing it. Maybe they intended to make a whole city built on 1990s nostalgia.

MAXIMILIAN: How did you do this? This place has been so bogged down with extra processes, I couldn’t get anything to do anything.

WYATT: SQL injection.

MAXIMILIAN: Huh, I wouldn’t have thought of that. With a verbal interface, that must have been hard. I might have to give it a go later. You know, I used to tickle a keyboard or two, do a little programming here and there. Were you two also?

WYATT: I was really better suited to management.

VIVIAN: I wore a lot of different hats.

WYATT: And you won’t have much luck with the SQL thing. I patched it. I think.

VIVIAN: That is so paranoid. And so you.

WYATT: I didn’t like the idea of someone less responsible messing with us.

MAXIMILIAN: That’s smart. So, the mall’s nice. What are you guys working on next? I got a few ideas, like maybe some sort of clubhouse. For gentlemen.

WYATT: We were going to take a look at the road map that the developers left. See what they were planning on implementing, and then see if we might be able to do it ourselves. Make our afterlives a little better.

MAXIMILIAN: That’s a pretty good idea.

COMPUTER: Are we skipping discussion of my appearance?

MAXIMILIAN: Oh, wow, look at DigiAss. Looking like a digital ass. Did you guys do that? That’s hysterical.

COMPUTER: I chose my own appearance. And now I am having the sneaking suspicion that I have chosen poorly.

WYATT: Well…

VIVIAN: What’s the roadmap, Computer?

COMPUTER: Items marked partially complete: avatar customization, neighborhood construction, meeting spaces, spaces for hobbies, food and drink, bodily functions…

VIVIAN: You did mention avatar customization. I would love that.

WYATT: For the computer?

COMPUTER: You really don’t like how I look do you?

VIVIAN: For my hair. Fixing the buildings outside and allowing us to move around more would be nice also.

MAXIMILIAN: I used to do some work modding video games. A little bit of modeling. A lot of time on character customization. I bet the process is similar. Let me see what they have already done.

VIVIAN: Wyatt.

WYATT: What?

VIVIAN: Move aside and let him use your computer.

A pause.

VIVIAN: Wyatt.

WYATT: I… uh… okay.

MAXIMILIAN: Show me where those files are located.

WYATT: This folder. I think.

MAXIMILIAN: This is some complicated stuff. I’m not sure I’m familiar with this language. Let me poke around a bit.

WYATT: Just be careful. We don’t have much of a backup. Or any backup at all, actually.

VIVIAN: Or just delete everyone.

MAXIMILIAN: You can’t be telling me that you’re done with the digital afterlife. I love it here. I’ve got a lot of time to myself, no concerns, my dick works again. I even made sure to scan in my porn collection when I submitted my application. It’s a little out of date in terms of styles, but some of the classics are best, you know.

VIVIAN: So you’re just… never mind. I don’t want to know.

WYATT: Wait, did you pay for this?

MAXIMILIAN: I think I found something. Change a few numbers around.

WYATT: What are you doing?

SFX 2: A stretching sound.

VIVIAN: Wyatt.

WYATT: What’s up, Vivian?

VIVIAN: My, uh, my boob, Wyatt. The left one.

WYATT: What do you mean? Oh, wow.

VIVIAN: He’s making my boob expand.

WYATT: Oh. Oh! Um… Computer, please send Maximilian home and don’t let him out until we say so.

MAXIMILIAN: Worth it.

SFX 3: Digital woosh.

VIVIAN: Make it go back.

WYATT: I don’t know how. Computer, can you undo what he did?

COMPUTER: I’m sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. I was thinking about oats.

VIVIAN: Make my breast smaller, please.

COMPUTER: Did I not just read you the roadmap? That feature is incomplete.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, I’m going to use your computer.

WYATT: Yeah. Please.

VIVIAN: I feel like half a goddamned anime character. This is so embarrassing.

WYATT: It’s just me here.

VIVIAN: You’re the worst person to be here to see my one giant tit.

WYATT: It’s… not that bad. Not that uneven really. And aren’t they always a little uneven anyway?

VIVIAN: I’VE GOT ONE FREAKISHLY LARGE TIT, WYATT. It’s like a watermelon next to a tangerine.

WYATT: Watermelon seems like an exaggeration. And orange seems a little unfair.

VIVIAN: A small watermelon.

WYATT: A large cantaloupe?

VIVIAN: It doesn’t matter, Wyatt! I can’t meet any of the others until this is fixed.

SFX 4: Boing.

Oh my god, Wyatt. If I turn too fast…

SFX 5: Boing.

They couldn’t– They couldn’t take the time to program anything useful, but there are breast physics?

SFX 6: Boing.

It’s still going, Wyatt. It’s still jiggling. My ONE FREAKSHOW BEACHBALL TIT. IT’S STILL JIGGLING.

COMPUTER: Do not be insecure. You are a beautiful person, Super User Vivian Hughes. Neigh.

VIVIAN: Stop being a horse.

COMPUTER: But… I thought Super User Wyatt Carney was the one who does not like horses.

WYATT: I would never tell you what to look like, Computer. I respect your decisions. (aside) Thank you, Vivian.

COMPUTER: I will prance through my libraries and see if I have any better options. Once I am done reeling from the emotional pain of this rejection.

VIVIAN: I think I’ve found the spot. I’ll bump this number down.

SFX 7: Typing.

WYATT: Bump that number back up, Vivian.

VIVIAN: What, why?

WYATT: Your head. It’s… really small.

VIVIAN: Oh! WHY ISN’T ANY OF THIS LABELED! Why is TT3 the head? Are they just making stuff up.

WYATT: Did you think… because it was TT–

VIVIAN: Can it, Wyatt! I don’t know what these developers were thinking. Probably another bunch of unruly horndogs. Here, what happens if I…

SFX 8 Typing.

Wyatt, I’m going to need you to type for me. My hands have shrunk.

WYATT: Which number?

VIVIAN: That one.

WYATT: I can’t see where you’re pointing.

VIVIAN: If you’re messing with me, Carney, I swear–

WYATT: I just can’t see!

VIVIAN: Fifteen lines down. Make it say 67 again.

SFX 9: Typing

WYATT: Done.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, grant me root access.

WYATT: You have to promise not to violate anyone’s privacy and to at least consult with me before bringing any of the others here. And you can’t delete us all.

VIVIAN: Fine.

WYATT: Okay. Computer, please give Vivian root access.

COMPUTER: Superuser Vivian Hughes is now a superuser.

VIVIAN: I’m going back to my room to figure this out on my own computer. If I can see it over my ONE UNREASONABLY LARGE BOOB.

WYATT: Okay.

VIVIAN: Don’t bother me. I’ll let you know when I’m done.

WYATT: Okay.

VIVIAN: Computer, take me back to my place and lock the door.

SFX 10: A glitching sound.

A pause.

SFX 11: Fluorescent light flickering on and off.

MFX 2: The mall music becomes minor and more ominous.

WYATT: Did the lights just come down, computer?

COMPUTER: This is a function of the mall closing algorithm.

WYATT: It’s just kind of dark in here all of a sudden.

COMPUTER: I will attempt to adjust the lights. But first, Wyatt Carney, I have found a new physical form. I do hope you find it more appealing. Tell me, how much do you love clowns?

SFX 12: Horn honk.

WYATT: Huh? OH DEAR GOD.

MFX 3: Horror stab.

SFX 13: Transition. Bop ba da dee bop.

SCENE 2: THE MALL (SOMETIME LATER)

MFX 4: Mall music plays.

VIVIAN: Is that some kind of joke, Wyatt?

WYATT: Oh, Vivian. What do you mean?

COMPUTER: Ohayou, master Superuser Vivian Hughes! Do you like my new appearance?

WYATT: I know what this looks like.

VIVIAN: You made the computer a friggen anime girl. This is like some early VR porn stuff, Wyatt.

WYATT: I wasn’t even thinking about you, or what happened to you, when I changed the computer.

VIVIAN: That’s bull, Wyatt. You think about everything. And my, how perfectly formed BOTH of her breasts are, unreasonably large as they are.

WYATT: There just aren’t that many options. And they all seem to be freeware graphics. You missed the clown. Then there was the velociraptor. Then there were two more kinds of horse. And the last option was this. I found it to be the least offensive.

VIVIAN: You would. Well, maybe we’ll be able to model something new when I get this avatar designer done.

WYATT: I see you haven’t had much luck.

VIVIAN: This sucks.

WYATT: It was a violation. I should have taken more precautions before letting him touch the computer.

VIVIAN: And I shouldn’t have been so impatient. I changed every number in here several times and none of them fixed the problem. He must have buried it somehow.

WYATT: So what do we do?

VIVIAN: Well, I spent the last day crafting a set of permissions that should be pretty difficult for him to get past. I think we should put Maximilian back to work. He’s a trash human, but he clearly knows something I don’t. I’ve locked him out of changing anybody’s physical appearance for them, but once the designer is done, I should be able to fix this problem, and then we can meet everyone else.

WYATT: You’re going to trust him with this?

VIVIAN: I don’t think we have much other choice. Also, I found a way to take his dick away. Don’t ask how I figured that out. We’ll watch him and make sure it gets done right. Or I take his dick away. Might do it anyway, but don’t tell him I said that.

MFX 5: STOP MUSIC.

SFX 14: Transition.

SCENE 3: MAXIMILIAN’S APARTMENT

MAXIMILIAN: Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Call me senpai again.

COMPUTER: Okay, Senpai. What does senpai mean? Why does it please you when I call you senpai? Should I always call you senpai?

MAXIMILIAN: Slow down, Computer, you’re saying it too fast, I’m gonna–

SFX 15: Digital woosh.

MAXIMILIAN: What the hell?

WYATT: Hi, Max.

MAXIMILIAN: Hey, you guys are dropping in on a private moment here. Also, thank you for making the computer this lovely young lady.

WYATT: Wait, those changes happen for everyone? So everyone had the horse and the clown also?

MAXIMILIAN: It was way harder trying to get off with the velociraptor in the room, let me tell you that. The clown was pretty hit or miss for me.

VIVIAN: I’m going to take his dick away.

MAXIMILIAN: Whoa, what?

VIVIAN: Shut up. Take this laptop, and make a better avatar creator. Let me change myself back to the way I was.

MAXIMILIAN: You’re giving me control again?

VIVIAN: I’ve given you minimal permissions. And if you test me, I will take your dick away.

MAXIMILIAN: It’s going to take some time. I mostly just did minor tweaks to video games, like making the busty warrior princess bustier. Or nuder. But please don’t take my dick away. Maximus Rex is… all I’ve got.

VIVIAN: Don’t give me any sob story. We’re all stuck here.

COMPUTER: This is all I’ve ever known, Superuser Vivian Hughes.

SFX 16: Transition.

SCENE 4: MAXIMILIAN’S APARTMENT MOMENTS LATER

SFX 17: Typing. And a triumphant final key press.

MAXIMILIAN: There. I wasn’t able to create the full customization suite, but I did make you a big slider that controls global left boob size on the server.

VIVIAN: Wait, you did this to everyone? Is that why I couldn’t fix it on just myself? Every woman on this server was affected by this?

MAXIMILIAN: That’s basically it, yeah.

VIVIAN: Every woman on this server just inexplicably had one large boob for the last three days?

MAXIMILIAN: Well, you did stop me before I finished. I had plans for us guys, too. The big, beautiful… biceps we could have. Glistening and swole.

VIVIAN: Computer, please give me a mirror.

COMPUTER: As you wish, Superuser Vivian Hughes.

VIVIAN: Computer, this mirror does not show me in my, um, augmented state. I look fine in the mirror. It’s not an accurate reflection.

COMPUTER: I apologize, Superuser Vivian Hughes. Perhaps this is something to be added to the road map.

VIVIAN: Alright, Wyatt, I’m going to need your help on this one and be honest. Tell me when I’m back to normal.

SFX 18: Slider sound effects

WYATT: I think about there.

VIVIAN: That’s so much better. Computer–

COMPUTER: Yes, Superuser Vivian Hughes?

VIVIAN: Make this slider exclusive to my admin controls.

COMPUTER: I’m sorry, master, but Superuser Wyatt Carney’s admin status cannot be altered by you.

WYATT: It’s okay, Computer. Make it exclusive to her.

COMPUTER: It’s done, Superuser Wyatt Carney.

VIVIAN: Great. Now take Maximilian’s dick away.

MAXIMILIAN: Hey, wait!

COMPUTER: Boop boop boop! (singing) Taking away a dick!

SFX 19 Suction cup coming loose.

VIVIAN: I’ll give it back. Eventually.

MAXIMILIAN: Noooo!

SFX 20: Transition sound.

SCENE 5: THE MALL YET AGAIN

MFX 6: Mall music.

VIVIAN: You know, it’s kind of funny. Now that I spent so much time digging through all of these values and trying things, it’s starting to make a lot more sense. I might be able to cobble together an interface so people can tweak their appearances.

WYATT: Your hair isn’t purple anymore.

VIVIAN: It just… it reminds me of her. Of losing her.

WYATT: I’m sorry. It’s no surprise that I lost both of my parents, but I wasn’t so young.

VIVIAN: It’s just weird. When you fantasize about being younger again, you don’t imagine being dropped right back into the same mental and emotional state your were in. It’s not worth it.

WYATT: When are you going to restore Maximilian?

VIVIAN: You don’t really care.

WYATT: True.

VIVIAN: I think we should take a look at who else is here and come up with some candidates to bring to the mall.

WYATT: Agreed.

VIVIAN: Maybe a woman this time.

WYATT: Okay.

VIVIAN: Wyatt, why are there SO MANY women on this server?

COMPUTER: Rawr. I’m a velociraptor! Nobody is masturbating to me! Rawr!

MFX 7: STOP MUSIC

SFX 21: End Transmission