We get it: nobody wants to hear ads. But the Never Rad Miscellany brings you the best products from the best advertisers. Every ad we take helps us keep the podcast running!

(Yotota Theseus is not a real product. Do not attempt to purchase Yotota Theseus. Yotota Theseus is written by Matt Braman, and features the voice of Shonda Royall.)

Music by Conrad Miszuk (and some guy named Vivaldi) and sound by Cody Sean Hazelle.

Give them all some money at www.patreon.com/neverrad

The Never Rad Miscellany is produced and directed by Conrad Miszuk and is recorded live at The Rebel Lounge in Phoenix, AZ approximately every other month. Find out more at www.neverrad.com, or visit our various and sundry socials media:

Tumblr: www.tumblr.com/neverrad

Twitter: www.twitter.com/neverrad

Insta: www.instagram.com/never.rad

Facebook: www.facebook.com/neverrad

Transcript:

NEVER RAD INTERSTITIAL THE ALL NEW TOYOTA THESEUS

Written By Matthew Braman

ANNOUNCER: When does a car stop being a car, and become a part of you? An extension of your physical body.

SOUND: CAR ZOOMS PAST

ANNOUNCER: A being unto itself. When do you become more of an appendage than anything? Vestigial, almost. When does a person-car stop being a person-car and become a new lifeform entirely,

SOUND: COMPUTER BOOTING UP

ANNOUNCER: Are you responsible for the emergence of this new and terrifying species of unfeeling flesh and metal beasts, tearing through the city with no concern for courtesy or caution?

SOUND: SPEEDING CARS SCREAMING PAST

ANNOUNCER: Was your insecure desire to compensate for your physical weakness the reason we could sell what are essentially military grade vehicles to get you to a drive thru grease restaurant? Are you afraid all that grease is going to your thighs? Because it’s not. It’s going to your engine, axles and bearings now. Your thighs are atrophied spindles of flesh and bone. Your digestive system converts carbohydrates into ethanol, the clean burning fuel that gives you intestinal pain.

SOUND: LOUD ENGINE REVVING MIXED WITH SUBTLE FLATULENCE

ANNOUNCER: Would you like one of our ASE certified technicians to replace your colon with a mechanical fuel generator? Our team can swap out any one of your organic parts for a high-efficiency electronic replacement. Don’t feel like driving to the dealership? Don’t worry, our cars will take you there automatically every time we feel you need an update.

SOUND: IMPACT WRENCHES AND SCREAMING

ANNOUNCER: When does a car stop being a car? Lease for only 999.99 a month for all your months. O.A.C. Body and soul due at signing. Does not include tax, title and license. Consent not required. See dealer for details.

CREDITS: This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Yototoa Theseus Interstitital is written by Matt Braman and performed by Jamie Hendricks, with sound effects by Cody Hazelle. Check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/Patreon.