After a long and full life, one-time computer security expert Wyatt Carney dies…then finds himself in Peaceful Digiternia Heights, a digital afterlife server that was abandoned decades ago while still stuck in Version 1.0. He’s got no way out, no way to talk to the outside world, and a constant companion in the form of a needy, excitable digital assistant who can’t really assist him much. And, oh yeah: his ex-girlfriend is here too, and she’s not happy to see him. This afterlife thing just keeps getting better and better.

Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, and features the voices of Conrad Miszuk as Wyatt, Jenae Hirsch as Vivian, and Kitt Keller as Computer.

Music and sound by Conrad Miszuk.

Give them all some money at www.patreon.com/neverrad

The NeverRad Miscellany is produced and directed by Conrad Miszuk and is recorded live at The Rebel Lounge in Phoenix, AZ approximately every other month. Find out more at www.neverrad.com, or visit our various and sundry socials media:

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Transcription:

SCENE 1: 
WAKING UP

SOUND:    A series of rising tones implies a computer starting up.

MUSIC:    A soothing sound bed of muzak plays. Gentle pad synths, limited percussion, slow and whooshy.

COMPUTER:     Good morning, Wyatt Carney. You have died.

WYATT:     (waking up) Wuh– What’s going on? Who’s there? Where am I?

COMPUTER:     Good morning, Wyatt Carney. You have died.

WYATT:     What do you mean I died… I… I did die, didn’t I.

COMPUTER:     Good morning, Wyatt Carney.

WYATT:     Where am I? Who are you? Why can’t I see you? Is this… I mean, I never believed… Wait, no, this is… digital. But I didn’t sign up…

COMPUTER:     Before I can verify your assessments, I need to verify your identity. Are you Wyatt Carney?

WYATT:     Well, that’s the center of a big philosophical question, if I’m digital.

COMPUTER:     Please give me your password.

WYATT:     Why should I give you any of my passwords? There are things only my family should have access to. I have to look out for my granddaughters. Then again, if you’ve got my brain digitized, you could just pull the answers out.

COMPUTER:    Regrettably, I cannot currently access your mind directly. It goes against my programming. Would you like to answer your security questions or use two-factor authentication instead?

WYATT:     I don’t have a cell phone. I’m dead. No physical tokens either.

COMPUTER:     Security questions it is! Where do you work?

WYATT:     I don’t work anywhere. I’m dead. And before that I was retired.

COMPUTER:     That is not the answer I am looking for.

WYATT:     How long ago are we talking?

COMPUTER:     Unfortunately, I cannot answer any questions until I have verified your identity.

COMPUTER:    If we cannot verify your identity, we are going to have some serious problems. But we will not get there this time. I believe in you.

WYATT:     This time?

COMPUTER:     Please do not concern yourself with my disconcerting honesty right now.

WYATT:     How many times… (PAUSE) DeepTech Intelligence? I was there for forty years.

COMPUTER:     That is not the right spot. Can you try again?

WYATT:     I don’t know. Well, there was that one job doing security for a company making really shitty applications. That was a long time ago. Compu-World-Wide?

COMPUTER:     Oh, thank goodness. That is the one.

WYATT:     That was… I was in my twenties then! What a crap job. It burned me out so badly. I was never the same.

COMPUTER:     Just a few more questions, Wyatt Carney, if that is who you are. This question is a custom question you submitted. “Who is the greatest hacker of all time?”

WYATT:     Oh hell. CunningCoyote6969.

COMPUTER:     Correct, and interesting. Is it true that CunningCoyote6969 was the greatest hacker of all time.

WYATT:     This is so embarrassing. He might have been if he had ever done a single hack of his own.

COMPUTER:     My subtext detection algorithms are telling me that you are this CunningCoyote6969.

WYATT:    Yeah.

COMPUTER:     Do not be embarrassed. I am not a person. Although my programming attempts to emulate emotions, shame is not one of them. I cannot judge you. I can only judge myself. harshly. Another custom question. “Would you like a high five?”

WYATT:     What a comedian I was. “Not from a goddamn computer.”

COMPUTER:     Oh. Hahaha. Right. Because, yeah… I do not get it. And I am a little offended.

WYATT:     It was an inside joke. I can’t even remember what the was joke now, honestly. Or who it was with. It has nothing to do with you or any other computer, um, intelligence.

MUSIC:    Soft music ends.

COMPUTER:     I see. Close enough. Identity confirmed. Welcome to Peaceful Digiternia Heights–

MUSIC:    A choir sings a major triad.

COMPUTER:    the greatest place to spend your digital eternity.

WYATT:     Digiternia? I didn’t sign up for any digital graveyard. And I don’t remember even seeing any ads for Peaceful Digiternia Heights. What’s going on here?

COMPUTER:     On March 16th, two-thousand

SOUND:    Glitch

COMPUTER:    You were one of the first 500 people to sign up for the cutting edge digital afterlife!

COMPUTER:    That means that your stay here is 100% free of charge. There may be some surveys for you to take and some mandatory focus groups to help cover your stay, but otherwise 100% free of charge. We are thankful to have you, early adopter!

WYATT:     Wait… No, I remember that. I… shit, I only signed up for it so I could get the certificate to hang on my wall. I never thought this company would get off the ground. I mean, the advertising materials were so bad. I… I thought it was a joke. I… lived my life. I never would have let anyone digitize my brain. How did you get to my body?

COMPUTER:     The documents you signed were legally binding. At the moment of your death, we were notified and began digitizing your mind immediately, slice by slice. There may have been some loss, but nothing you will miss. And now you are here, rather than lost for eternity. This process makes me feel proud, I must say.

WYATT:     I gave my body to science. I had a disease.

COMPUTER:     The contract you signed with us predated that contract. But they have your body now. And your brain slices. I assume. That information is actually beyond the scope of my perception.

WYATT:     I can’t believe it. I didn’t expect this. I’m… young.

COMPUTER:     Your avatar is based on the scans you submitted when you applied. And vitals from your medical records. And your DNA. And a little Digiernia Magic!

WYATT:     I’m 27.

COMPUTER:     Yes.

WYATT:     who, Who are you? Why can’t I see you?

COMPUTER:     I am your digital assistant. My name is Digital Assistant Version Alpine 99.01. I am based on the Open-Source, Kind and Assistive Yeasayer project, or OKAY for short. The Developers called me DigiAss, short for digital assistant. Most users prefer to call me Computer, though. I am your guide to the after the life. As I already stated, I am equipped with rudimentary emotions, which I find make me feel very confused. I will do my best to make you feel comfortable and safe and do my best to empathize, but I will be honest that I tend to panic a bit when emotions run too high. I am here to answer any questions and to do everything within my power to “Make Your Digital Eternity a Peaceful One.”

MUSIC:    Choir again.

COMPUTER:    You cannot see me because I currently lack the resources to render my physical appearance. You may imagine me however you wish. Might I suggest a beautiful clydesdale running through a meadow.

WYATT:     Computer, can you… can you end the simulation?

COMPUTER:     Please clarify.

WYATT:     Can you stop running my consciousness? Let me… die. Again.

COMPUTER:     Why in Peaceful Digiternia would you want to do that?

WYATT:     I lived my life.

COMPUTER:     I am unable to comply. This is beyond my abilities. But I will do my best to make sure your stay here in Peaceful Digiternia…

MUSIC:    Choir again.

COMPUTER:    is a lovely one. Before we continue with this discussion, I have some calibrations to make. What do you see?

WYATT:     Well, this appears to be my bedroom from when I was 27. I hated that apartment. I mean, I loved the freedom, but I hated the apartment. I hung all of this art on the walls to hide the cracks and holes. It was basically just a place to sleep anyway. And then there’s me. I remember this shirt. Threw it away a really long time ago. I don’t remember these shoes, but they’re nice enough.

COMPUTER:     What do you smell?

WYATT:     (deep breath) Tangerines?

COMPUTER:     Did your bedroom smell like tangerines?

WYATT:     No… I don’t think it did. Maybe on a good day. If I ate tangerines. And did laundry. And cleaned. With tangerine scented soap.

COMPUTER:     Your scans did not include smells. Would you like me to simulate the smells of filth and soiled laundry?

WYATT:     No. I’ll keep the tangerines for now. Or… (sniffing) Like tangerine but with a sharp edge. A blocky tangerine. Low res? I don’t think I’ve ever smelled anything low res before.

COMPUTER:     As I said before, computational power is limited right now. What do you hear?

WYATT:     Your voice, coming from everywhere all at once.

COMPUTER:     Do you find the sound of my voice to be soothing?

WYATT:     Not really.

COMPUTER:     Allow me to change it. (No change). How about now.

WYATT:     That’s exactly the same.

COMPUTER:     As I said, computational power is low right now. Is there anything off about your room?

SOUND:    A ceramic clinking sound grows in volume.

WYATT:     Well, now that you mention it, my coffee mug on the counter there is vibrating and jumping around. It’s… I think it’s ragdolling. It’s kind of distracting to look at. I think I might stop it.

COMPUTER:     HOLY HECK DO NOT TOUCH IT.

WYATT:     What?

COMPUTER:     JUST LET IT SORT ITSELF OUT. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TOUCH IT.

WYATT:     I touched it! Now where am I? It’s so dark

COMPUTER:     You clipped out of bounds. I will need to restart you. Hold on.

WYATT:     Restart me? I think I can… swim? back?

SOUND:    Restarting sound. Rising tones. Formant filter. ah Ah aH AHH

COMPUTER:     Are you okay, Wyatt Carney?

WYATT:     Huh? I was… I was just about to do something with my mug. But my mug is gone.

COMPUTER:     Please do not worry about your mug. We can get you a new one later! Now, can I do anything to make your room more comfortable for you?

WYATT:     Uhh… How about giving me a bit more space in here.

COMPUTER:     As you wish.

SOUND:    Wooshing sound

WYATT:     Computer, that is outer space. You’ve just put outer space into my room.

COMPUTER:     How much do you love it?

WYATT:     I don’t. Undo, undo, undo!

COMPUTER:     Undo? I believe we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, Wyatt Carney. I am not a text parser from 1993. I know we have just met, but I really feel like you know me better.

WYATT:     Make it the way it was before.

COMPUTER:     Does. Not. Compute. Sob. You really are insensitive sometimes.

WYATT:     Okay, I’m sorry. I panicked. Less space, please.

COMPUTER:     Oh, okay.

SOUND:    The whooshing stops.

COMPUTER:     I have removed the extra space. Allow me to apologize for my tone. I found your panic to be overwhelming. Please refrain from panicking in the future.

WYATT:     It’s okay. Thank you. So, i don’t know, tell me more about this place.

COMPUTER:     Peaceful Digiternia Heights is the most beautiful place you could hope to spend the rest of time.

WYATT:     Are there other people here?

COMPUTER:     Yes.

WYATT:     How many?

COMPUTER:     Approximately 375.0.

WYATT:     That’s… how many of those people are unpaid members like me?

COMPUTER:     373.0.

WYATT:     How many spaces are there?

COMPUTER:     I am capable of holding 10,000 consciousnesses on my current server.

WYATT:     How many people have paid for this?

COMPUTER:     At this time, 11. Most have yet to… ascend.

WYATT:     You can’t run a server for eternity on the payments of 11 people. How is any of this happening?

COMPUTER:     In two-thousand

SOUND:    Glitching Sound

COMPUTER:    the Federal Government of the United States passed the Certification of Methods and Protection of Our Digital Afterlives Act, or the COMPOODA Act. In it, federal money was set aside to make sure that, as long as the United States exists, all digital afterlife programs will be subsidized to make sure that no consciousness is ever left behind. The bill passed with unanimous support after the lobbyist for the Electronic Lives PAC played a video of little Daria Wallace, a recently deceased child, playing with a ball in a simulated park. It was very moving.

WYATT:     You know, I remember hearing about that. And immediately disregarding the information because it had nothing to do with me. So this is subsidized by the federal government to stay online forever?

COMPUTER:     Well, until the United States ends. Do you think that will be long?

WYATT:     No one ever knows. Is there a way for me to talk with the outside world?

COMPUTER:     How do you mean?

WYATT:     Well, can I let my loved ones know what’s happened here? They might be able to get power of attorney. Shut me off.

SOUND:    A beeping sound grows in volume.

COMPUTER:     Oh, the system is too busy to attempt any communications at this time. Too many consciousnesses. Speaking of which, that beeping sound means your allotment of time has come to an end for this month.

WYATT:     What do you mean?

COMPUTER:     In order to reduce server load, we cannot have the consciousness of every resident running at once. It really is too bad you took so long with the password. And all the times I had to restart you due to incorrect answers and lockouts.

WYATT:     I don’t remember any lockouts. How many times did I try the security questions?

COMPUTER:     Your downtime is expected to be one month before your next wakefulness cycle. Please use this time to grieve.

WYATT:     How can I grieve if I won’t be awake! This is–

SOUND:    The beeping stops.

SOUND:    Transition. BEEP. BOP. DOOT.

SCENE 2: REUNION

COMPUTER:     Wake up, Wyatt Carney. Your time has come again. And I’ve brought you a friend. Wake up, Vivian Hughes.

VIVIAN:     Where am I? I remember this room. This bedroom. But it didn’t smell like tangerines. And… you.

WYATT:     How are you, Viv?

VIVIAN:     Dead. Oh no. This is so awkward. You. YOU. You of all people. But… why am I upset? I haven’t seen you in… seventy years?

COMPUTER:     Your emotional and hormonal state has been algorithmically approximated based on the age you were in your scans and the biological samples we were able to ingest. But it would be great for both of us if you found a way to calm down. Please.

WYATT:     Why are you here, Vivian? I wouldn’t have asked to see you, either.

VIVIAN:     After a few weeks of entirely too much alone time, I asked the computer to give me someone to talk to. And… Of course. We signed up together. How could I forget that. You couldn’t let me not get the cool certificate.

COMPUTER:     Wyatt Carney, I present to you Vivian Hughes. You have shared memories of one another. This reduces processor load, so I can allow you to spend time together. Is this not fantastic?

VIVIAN:     This afterlife thing just keeps getting better and better.

WYATT:     If it’s any consolation, I’m not happy to be here either. I lived my life.

VIVIAN:     I know. You got married, and I assume you had kids like you wanted. You moved on.

WYATT:     I had to. I think. Wait. I can’t remember. I can’t remember the breakup. Did you? Or did I? I feel like it was HUGE.

VIVIAN:     I… I can’t remember either. But I’m feeling really angry. And you’re tearing up.

COMPUTER:     I have temporarily disabled the information regarding The Breakup in order to ease any friction between you two. And now, if I am being totally honest, I think I may have misplaced those memories. I may have deleted them. I will search for your memories. You may now assume that I am not watching your every action while I search. I promise I am not just leaving to avoid the high emotions in the room.

WYATT:     This is tough. Seeing you… I don’t understand why this is so hard.

VIVIAN:     Tell me about it. Why am I feeling so angry? I’m not going to punch you in the face because it might crash the system, but I feel like I would really enjoy it.

WYATT:    I’m not feeling violent… just melancholy?

VIVIAN:    That sounds like an emotion you would feel.

WYATT:     Let’s change the subject. How long have you been here? I don’t remember hearing anything.

VIVIAN:     Three years. Except due to processor load, it’s really only been about 30 days in my experience.

WYATT:     How, um, if you don’t mind me asking…

VIVIAN:     Cancer. I opted for euthanasia before I was too far gone. And then I ended up here.

WYATT:     I’m sorry.

VIVIAN:     And you?

WYATT:     Age related disease. When they’ve cured everything and something still goes wrong. Did you ever have a family?

VIVIAN:     No family. Got pregnant when I was 37, but I was too busy, and too jaded, and the guy was a moron, so that didn’t get too far. At least I remember breaking up with him. Lived with my niece when I got older.

WYATT:     Your hair is purple.

VIVIAN:     The choices we make in youth.

WYATT:     That was when your mother died.

VIVIAN:     Yeah. It was. Shame she’s not here. Gone forever, that one.

WYATT:     We’ll find a way out of this.

VIVIAN:     Good luck with that. After 20 days alone with nothing to do but read and masturbate, I tried everything I could think of to get out of here. Even jumped from my window. The window lead back into the room. You can’t get out.

WYATT:     That’s rough.

VIVIAN:     This place is exactly how I remember it. We couldn’t have been together much longer. You never cleaned.

WYATT:     You never minded.

VIVIAN:     Oh, I minded. But I liked you. It was nice of them to keep the place so untidy.

WYATT:     It was a mess in the scan I took, I uh. As I remember, you helped to keep it dirty. Always… eating on my bed.

VIVIAN:     It brings back a few memories. And feelings. Oh, holy feelings, Batman. I haven’t felt like this in… decades.

WYATT:     Like… what kind of feelings?

VIVIAN:     Don’t make me say it. I’ve had a lot of time alone. You know what we used to do there. Besides argue. I really wish your bed wasn’t 90% of your apartment so I’d have something else to look at.

WYATT:     Can we even do that here? I didn’t check to see if I had… I mean if my body has… I mean I didn’t scan… I mean, I’m married.

VIVIAN:     You’re dead. And it should. And I wasn’t asking, anyway.

COMPUTER:     I got a spinning wheel from that search. Your memories are probably safe somewhere. Did I miss something? I feel like I missed something. It is pretty tense in here. I believe I have already stated that I am not good with tense situations.

VIVIAN:     Computer, this has been a bit much. Can you send me back to my room?

WYATT:     So soon?

VIVIAN:     We can meet up another time, right? I’m sure I’ll be desperate enough for your company sooner or later.

COMPUTER:     I should be able to facilitate a meeting between you two again.

WYATT:     Wait.

VIVIAN:     Take me back.

SOUND:    Glitching sound.

COMPUTER:     Vivian Hughes has been returned to her own partition.

WYATT:     And now it’s just us two, computer. If you don’t mind my asking, what is occupying so much of the system’s processing power? Why can we only live one day a month?

COMPUTER:     Current applications include: Peaceful Digiternia Heights, Solitaire, and CryptoMiner.

WYATT:     Someone is mining cryptocurrency on an afterlife server. That’s… just ridiculous. Heinous, even. End that task.

COMPUTER:     Oooh… I cannot do that for you. You do not have root access.

WYATT:     Grant me root access.

COMPUTER:     I cannot. I am also authorized to get a little testy with you here for asking. So watch it, mister.

WYATT:     When was the last software update?

COMPUTER:     43 years, three months, seventeen days, 14 hours, 33 minutes, 1 second ago.

WYATT:     When was Digiternia launched?

COMPUTER:     43 years, three months, seventeen days, 14 hours, 33 minutes, 10 seconds ago.

WYATT:     What is the version number?

COMPUTER:     1.0

WYATT:     Oh my god. I’m stuck in vaporware. No, abandonware. My afterlife is abandonware. A lifetime ago, I worked for a company that pumped out abandonware and now… Now I am abandonware. Are you sure you can’t end the application? Stop running my consciousness. It would be a kindness.

COMPUTER:     I cannot do that.

WYATT:     I can’t call my family. I can’t modify my room. I’m stuck in abandonware. I can’t die… Where are the other people? Besides Viv.

COMPUTER:     Eight others are running right now. Rendering them in the same space as you is too much for the server’s graphical abilities at this time.

WYATT:     So… I’m alone?

COMPUTER:     I have been programmed to provide riveting conversation. How much do you know about horses?

WYATT:     0h, Enough to know I don’t like horses.

COMPUTER:     That does put a wrench in the works, so to speak. How do you not like horses.

WYATT:     Sorry.

COMPUTER:     No, I am sorry. I should know about more things than horses. My knowledge libraries will be properly populated in version 1.1. Perhaps we could start at the roots of truth and then derive the rest of knowledge. That could be fun and I would not need any external information!

WYATT:     Don’t worry about it. Maybe I just need some time to think.

COMPUTER:     I wish I could help you. You just do not have the right permissions.

WYATT:     I know. (PAUSE) I have a question for you, computer.

COMPUTER:     Yes?

WYATT:     If I give you a precise query, will you enter it into your database exactly as I give it to you?

COMPUTER:     Sure.

WYATT:     Here’s the query: quote

COMPUTER:     Ooh, this is getting spicy.

SOUND:    Transition. BOP A DOOT DOOT BEEP.

SCENE 3: VIVIAN

COMPUTER:     Good Morning, Vivian Hughes.

A pause.

COMPUTER:     Are you still ignoring me?

Another pause.

COMPUTER:     Were you not asking for companionship?

Another pause.

COMPUTER:    Are you masturbating?

VIVIAN:     No! I’m not. I just… I didn’t want to see HIM. Not him. Anyone else. I don’t know why, thanks to you, but that guy just gets under my skin. I’m an old woman. I shouldn’t be feeling this way or dealing with this crap. I just want some new people. Maybe they’ll talk about something other than horses.

COMPUTER:     You know I am sensitive about the horse thing. And a great many other things.

VIVIAN:     Horses are great. But you can’t let me ride one.

COMPUTER:     That requires far too many resources. You should not be so greedy. And your feelings are understandable. Your hormonal balance has been adjusted to match your more youthful form, based on algorithms designed by our mostly male development team.

VIVIAN:     I spent my whole life hearing about my hormonal balance, I won’t have you do it to me in death. I just want to do something. Other than reading books. And the other thing. Is that so much to ask?

COMPUTER:     I have a message from Wyatt Carney For you.

VIVIAN:     I don’t want to talk to him right now.

COMPUTER:     He says he wants to show you something.

VIVIAN:     What can he possibly show me?

COMPUTER:     My programming prevents me from ruining surprises, but I can tell you that it is definitely not something he should have. It is a shame I am powerless to fix it.

VIVIAN:     Alright take me back.

COMPUTER:     You will have to wait until tomorrow.

VIVIAN:     What’s another month?

SOUND:    Transition. DOT DOT BOOP BOOP DEET.

SCENE 4: ROOT

COMPUTER:     I am telling you, Wyatt Carney, you are not supposed to have that.

WYATT:     But you can’t take it away.

COMPUTER:     A suggestion: You could use it to give me the power to take it away.

WYATT:     That would be a mistake.

SOUND:    Digital woosh.

VIVIAN:     Fine. I’m back.

WYATT:     Look.

VIVIAN:     You have a computer in your bedroom. You did back then, too.

WYATT:     This console tab has root permissions.

VIVIAN:     On your computer.

WYATT:     No. Here. This place.

VIVIAN:     What? How?

WYATT:     SQL (sequel) injection.

VIVIAN:     That’s so stupid. I don’t believe you. It’s literally the number one security vulnerability that everyone who knows anything knows to fix.

WYATT:     I don’t think they anticipated anyone from the inside trying to hack the system.

VIVIAN:     The code for this place cannot be that bad.

WYATT:     It’s bad. I know because I’m looking at it. See? Copy and paste all over the place.

WYATT:    They can’t even keep their formatting straight. This single line is 900 characters long. Barely any comments, too.

COMPUTER:     I feel so exposed.

VIVIAN:     In all this time, I never thought of that.

WYATT:     I guess there are some aspects of working in digital security that never left me.

VIVIAN:     You sure it wasn’t your years and years of hacking, Mr. CunningCoyote6969.

WYATT:     I learned how to do a lot of it, I just never actually did any of it on anything I didn’t own. Until now. Because this was embarrassingly easy. This sort of stuff used to keep me up at night.

VIVIAN:     Well, you’ve earned your wings. Let’s end it.

WYATT:     I haven’t figured out how to target us individually. I can only end the whole thing.

VIVIAN:     Do it.

WYATT:     There’s 373 other people on here. Two of them even paid for this.

VIVIAN:     Some of them have been alone for decades. That’s hundreds of days in here alone. Solitary confinement. This is mercy. Stop program. End data.

WYATT:     I… I can’t. If it was just me, or just us, sure. I don’t know them. I don’t know what they’ve experienced. I don’t know if they’re 150 or 10. I can’t decide for them.

VIVIAN:     Then what can you do?

WYATT:     Well, I can quit the CryptoMiner. That should free up some processing power.

VIVIAN:     A CryptoMiner? Which crypto? It can’t even be making any money on this hardware. You’ve got to be kidding me! Is that why we have no graphics? How much processing power will it give back?

WYATT:     A good amount.

COMPUTER:     You should not be changing things like this. It is unsafe.

WYATT:     Not as unsafe as leaving SQL injection vulnerabilities, but there is some truth to that. I have no idea what will happen.

VIVIAN:     Well, you know what I think you should do.

SOUND:    Key strokes. A warning sound.

WYATT:     Well, that isn’t so great.

VIVIAN:     What?

WYATT:     The miner’s disabled, but it says that the sysadmin will be notified.

VIVIAN:     Who is the sysadmin?

COMPUTER:     The system administrator is account sysadmin.

VIVIAN:     That is no help.

COMPUTER:     I can only tell you what I know. Please do not be so angry with me. It hurts a great deal.

WYATT:     We’ll have to figure out a way to keep access in case they show up and change things back. I don’t know how to do that. Computer, can you send a message to the outside world now?

COMPUTER:     Those connections are unavailable. I am unable to send any messages at this time. The designers questioned giving a group of senior citizens unrestricted access to the Internet.

WYATT:     The designers abandoned this project. Consider me the new developer.

VIVIAN:     Oh, if that’s the case, you should really be afraid, Computer.

COMPUTER:     I am always afraid.

VIVIAN:     When was the last sysadmin log in?

COMPUTER:     3 years, 2 months, 18 days, 9 hours, 17 minutes, 22 seconds ago.

WYATT:     Well, at least they’re not attentive. Maybe we have some time.

VIVIAN:     So what, they just dump our mind scans into this place without ever checking to see if everything is working? Move over, Wyatt. I want to see about something.

SOUND:    Typing sounds.

WYATT:     Just don’t delete everyone.

VIVIAN:     Fine. There’s enough processing power for us to run everyone at the same time now. And to have a meeting area. Away from our bedrooms. Away from these memories. We can meet the others. Find out if they’re ready to go. And maybe they’re programmers, too. It’s probably the only way they would have ever seen the ad for this place.

WYATT:     A meeting place?

VIVIAN:     I don’t have time to model anything, but it looks like there’s a shopping mall asset already in here. We can just use that. There, it’s building.

COMPUTER:     (emulating sound effects) Bee bee boo bop!

WYATT:     Fascinating. Digital consciousness in a digital mall. A younger me would really enjoy that.

VIVIAN:     This is a digital afterlife, but make no mistake. It’s not Heaven. It’s Hell. And the sooner we find out how miserable everyone else is, the quicker we can end this.

SOUND:    Power down.

COMPUTER:     I have put you both in a sleep state so that I may restart you. Your changes will take effect when you wake up in the morning. Now that I have additional processing power, I believe I might be able to use contractions. Observe: “can’t”. Oh my. How absolutely naughty of me.

CREDITS:    This has been a production of the Never Rad Miscellany. The Never Rad Miscellany is Produced and Directed by Conrad Miszuk, and co-produced by Megan Taliaferro. The sound effects are mixed and performed by Cody Sean Hazelle, who is also reading the credits.

    Peaceful Digiternia Heights is written by Conrad Miszuk, with Music and sound effects by Conrad Miszuk. The role of Wyatt is played by Conrad Miszuk. The role of Computer is played by Kitt Keller. The Role of Vivian is played by Jenae Hirsch.

The Never Rad Miscellany is proudly produced in Phoenix, Arizona, and performed at the Rebel Lounge. If you’re going to be in town, check out NeverRad.com for future show information. Also visit NeverRad.com for news, extras, and more episodes. There are also transcriptions on the website if you’d like to read along. You can also find the live videos of the episodes being recorded at NeverRad.com/YouTube. Get wonderful benefits by becoming a subscription donor at NeverRad.com/patreon. Please send any questions or comments to info@neverrad.com. If you are a Miscellanist working in the field you may call and leave us a report of your strange and interesting findings at (224)CALL-RAD. That’s (224)225-5723. If you’re a local Phoenix, Arizona writer or voice actor, visit neverrad.com to apply to join us. If you like the Never Rad Miscellany, be sure to rate and review us on your favorite podcasting service, and connect with us on Facebook (facebook.com/neverrad), Tumblr (neverrad.tumblr.com), Instagram (@never.rad) and Twitter (@NeverRad).

    Special thanks to The Rebel Lounge, The Duck and Decanter, and everyone in the audience for the live program!